Even the Outdoor Appliances Are Missing The Warm Weather

Thought this was funny, so I had to share.........

Yesterday...............All my troubles seem so far away!

Yeah Right - LOL Well partially anyway!

Yesterday was a mixed bag of everything! After being up half the night because I went to sleep so early the previous night and lamenting over the latest in my heart condition. Yes I have a heart condition - its call stupidity! I decided that if the walking dead is how I have to live right now, then so be it!

I finally got my ass up and decided to clean my room thoroughly! My pooch, Roxy, has a liver/bladder condition which quite frankly is getting on my last f-ing nerves! So I decided I would pick up her blankets and put them in the wash! (She has a tendency to wake up at the last minute and realizing she has to pee, takes one step off her blanket and lets it rip. Now for a small dog - she has the bladder of an adult person.)

I then opened the door from my room to the outside and told her to get her pissy ass out there while I cleaned. After sweeping the floor and checking on where she is wondering to, I got a bottle of disinfectant floor cleaner and went to work on scrubbing the floor. Once that was done and screaming like white trash at her because she is a block away, I began putting everything back together and went to retrieve my little piss machine. She runs up the steps and I noticed she had wollered in something that looked like mud, but, I bet was a combination of things! I scooped her little piss-ant ass up before she ruined my floor and took her directly to the sink in the laundry room! On my way through my room, I grabbed the Suave because I decided she should look like I spent a fortune on her hair!

After wrestling with her because she presses herself against me like the world is going to end, I was finally able to suds her up, rinse and repeat, and rinse again! I should have just gotten in the shower with her, since I was as wet as she was by the time it was over. I took a towel to her and tried to dry her as much as her wiggling little ass would let me and then proceeded to lay a nice, soft, clean blanket down for her. She promptly walked over to her paper and took another pee! Then she decided she would get in her blanket herself without any assistance from me. At least, I raised an independent pee machine!

Our one guest had checked out, so I figured I would go check on my fish which is still in the old room. Yes - he has his own personal heater still turned on to insure he doesn't become a frozen fillet. After giving him his food, I decided to lug more shit over to my new room and go through it. I found so many bottles of body wash and shower gel from my friend David, that I wondered just how clean he must be! Yee gads - I think he has a shower gel fetish! Just kidding buddy - You know I love ya!

Anyway, just as I was about to jump in the shower, 3 seasonal guests show up. First they were all drunk and drove up the hill which was very disappointing, so I proceeded to take the keys and put them away so they couldn't drive back down the hill as they intended. Then I rented them a room. One of our other new seasonals came up and worked on his cabin. Matt came up to start making pizza's and I finally was able to have some me time and take a nice, long, hot shower.

I then went to the dance hall and played some music and turned on the lights, etc. We had pizza and all was well. I had noticed that 2 of our seasonals began making goo-goo eyes at each other and once again found myself just shaking my head. They disappear to the room that another seasonal had rented while I had to entertain the other two. Finally, they all go back to the room about 8:30 which made for a much needed early night.

I called my sister and we ended up having a great conversation. She picked up on my being a little down and before ya know it, we were laughing our asses off. We were talking about how ironic our lives have been with Love being the huge topic of conversation! She was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe when I told her about the day and the people . When I told her I had decided that I think I should just be single and hold everyone at arms length, she couldn't breathe, she began laughing so hard. I was being quite flippant with her and overly sarcastic about my choice in men, which brought on even more laughter.

Once I got off the phone with her after 2 hours, I decided to catch up on some reading but received a text from this guy whom I had met when I was in Columbus through mutual friends. He and I had never really talked since meeting, but, we had exchanged numbers and e-mail addresses. He texts that for some reason he was thinking about me and decided to send me a text. He also said that he was very shy which was why he was hesitant about reaching out to me. We ended up texting for about an hour before I decided to go to bed. We had a really nice conversation and it felt good to get to know him. As it turns out, he is only about 60 miles from here as he moved home to be closer to his mother who is getting up there in age! We have decided to keep in touch and I think he and I will be friends. He will probably come visit me sometime as I have invited him to come hang out at some point.

This morning, about 7 a.m., I hear someone in the house calling my name. It is one of the seasonal guests that spent the night. He just had to give me blow-by-blow (and I do mean Blow-by blow) about what happened between the 4 of them last night. Being that is was so early and I have a tendency to be less then objective when I first get up, I proceeded to tell him that I did not want to hear it and that I wasn't impressed or intrigued by their tryst. He finally left after hugging me and thanking me for a wonderful time and I could not help thinking about how self centered people can be. Now, granted, I have my issues, but lack of class, integrity, and discretion are not among them thankfully!

With that said, I have decided that I am just going to stay single and enjoy my friends, family, (a few of them anyway), my job, etc., and to hell with the love shit! I have too much to offer folks and love just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I think I have come to terms with that fact and hopefully, that means, I can get back to being me. Enjoying my life, taking it all in stride, avoiding the folks that show interests, because their interest in me is only fleeting! I don't want my bad luck with other men, turn into a trust issue with any potential mates, so I have decided to try and avoid putting myself in the line of fire again. I am going to try and take folks at face value and play dumb if they start flirting or if I even get an inkling that their interest in me may be romantic. Find myself attracted to someone - Run like hell! Trust me - I am learning that - being an "Owner of a Lonely Heart" is much better then being an owner of a broken heart! (See song Lyrics by Yes)

Now it appears I am being bitter, but, actually, I am being honest and realistic. Really, seriously, what "Does love have to do with it?" and it just may be true that "Love Stinks". I know I am on a song lyric kick, but music is truly one of my great loves! And for those past lost loves, check out the lyrics by Mariah Carey to "Someday" and think of me! Again, not being bitter because I could have listed a recently popular song to look at titled "Fuck You" or as the radio stations play it "Forget You"! I would never do that, put aside the fact that I dislike that song with passion!

OK - Enough Already!!!!!

A Roller Coaster of Emotions...................

My life seems to be a roller coaster of sorts these days. One day I am up and OK with everything and the next day, I am sad! Yesterday was no exception! I ended up going into Wheeling with Matt to the Restaurant Supply Store to get things for the Pizza Oven. We then went to lunch at Olive Garden in Highbanks. On the way there, we had to go further on 70 towards Pittsburgh. The different scenery was pretty in some places and I imagined making the trip under other circumstances which got me all melancholy again and thinking about how my heart hurts!

I mean I could not talk to Matt about it because I know he would never understand and thankfully he just thought I was being quiet and never questioned my mood. I had a huge lump in my throat and some of the songs he was playing were very hard to hear. On the way back, the sun was breaking through the clouds in a number of places and the rays were like beams coming down. It was so beautiful and of course, I immediately thought of my "good" friend which just fueled my depression and melancholy mood. The more I thought about things the more sad I became.

When we got back to the mountain, we had a guest that I had to put on a happy face for and give him the grand tour and be all positive. Then I made it through dinner and finally was able to escape to my room. I ended up falling asleep thankfully about 8:30 and, of course, woke up at 3 a.m. even sadder then before. I am overwhelmed with emotion and I felt and continue to feel like crying. The only problem is I feel like if I start crying, I won't stop so I try and push it deep down.

I have even tried to create diversion. I have a few guys that I am chatting back and forth with on facebook and the IPOD and while they offer some sort of diversion, my heart just isn't in it! I am trying to keep busy and get some things done in my room and around the resort, but I feel like the walking dead! Some of the words to the below song "Tears Of A Clown" says some of what I am feeling:

Now if there is a smile on my face

its only there trying to fool the public

Now if I appear to be carefree

Its only to camouflage my sadness

And Honey to shield my pride I try

To cover this hurt with a show of gladness

Now if there's a smile upon my face

Don't let my glad expression

Give you the wrong impression

Don't let this smile I wear

Make you think that I don't care

Then I realized last night that no one has broken my heart but me. I have broken my own heart! Now how fucked up is that? To realize that I have allowed my heart to develop strong feelings knowing that it was not reciprocated and would not be reciprocated. I feel like I had no control of it, yet, here I sit in this turmoil with no one to blame but myself!

A couple of weeks ago, as Brad and I were driving back from taking my mother home to Columbus, he put a CD in and there was a song that I had never heard and the words were so haunting and hit the nail on the head, that I burst out crying. I was driving and he gave me this look and asked me what the hell was wrong. I could not tell him because I am soooo ashamed of myself, so I told him it just reminded me of someone in the past! Then I realized that I did not even have half of these feelings for my ex that I do now, which makes it all even worse!

I continue to try to put this all in perspective and my last blog had it all tied up in a "neat little package", but, guess what? The ribbon fell off, the paper is torn, and I have to find the strength to re-wrap it all back up again.

I have tried to think about all of the negatives I can think of concerning the object of my affection, but, that only gets me through a few minutes! I truly am my own worst enemy - because I caused all of this. The blood is only on my hands and in order to get through it, I hate myself to some degree. Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time and have kept this all to myself and realized what was happening early and really bombarded myself with the negatives or something. As my dad would say "ya can't cry over spilled milk"! Well, papa, I dumped a whole dairy farm and now I am in the middle of it!!!

The only true escape I have is sleep, because when I am asleep I can dream and pretend that it is alright - the hard part is waking up and starting the struggle all over again!

Another Day, Another...............Day!

I am writing this at 6 a.m. as I woke up at 4:30 and could not go back to sleep. This is covering yesterday as I was too damn tired to do this last night.

I feel like I had quite the productive day! I got more stuff moved over to my new room. I actually found a box of winter shoes - or shoes that are actually closed toe - so I won't be going barefoot! I got all of my drawers moved over and some of my summer stuff packed up for next year. I cleaned the Living Room out and got all of the excess furniture thrown away. I actually put it all on the porch and had troy take it all to the trash!

Brad came up to help me load a pic onto my IPod Touch which he surprised me with and gave to me since he got a new one. He actually brought me the docking station, the computer adapter, etc. Matt made us all lunch on our new pizza machine - he actually did breaded veal, cheese sandwiches with sauce - quite yummy out of that sucker!

Once Brad left, I then cleaned the barracks as we have a guest in there this weekend. I also cleaned the Valley View, Corn Crib, and the Mill, followed by the bathroom in the Granary! I got the outside porches swept and salt laid down. It was actually sunny, so a good bit of the snow melted off.

Troy actually made us Dinner using the pizza oven - he made two large pizza's which were quite tasty! The other day, I had made Troy and I lunch using the new pizza oven by making open-faced subs that were quite good if, I say so myself. Suffice it to say, that new oven is getting quite the workout!!! Hell - you can do almost anything in it - we have even baked Potato Skins in that sucker!

Matt and I then hung out while Troy went to their house to relax! We made Root Beer Floats and sat and talked for about an hour in the kitchen! I then went and took a nice long shower, talked on the phone with a few friends and then went to bed! All in all, I kept quite busy! Its funny how you can digest things going on in your life while your doing manual labor!

Moving Ahead......................

Wow - what a difference a day makes! After my last few posts, my good friend and I had a conversation about my feelings for him. After much conversation, I have decided that while I do have strong feelings for him, perhaps it is more about the connection and the fact that I feel closer to him then anyone in my life in such a short period of time. Also, we have so much in common and know each other so well that maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He has stated that he feels closer to me then all of the people in his life and that he values that over all else. I respect his honesty and after talking with him have realized that the strong feelings for him are just that. It doesn't necessarily constitute a romantic attachment of any kind and I am just going to enjoy it for what it is and enjoy him instead of placing any labels on it. If a label must be placed on our relationship, it will be, best friends.



We have had a number of folks pushing us together romantically because they sense the closeness he and I have. I think a number of these folks currently in relationships do not have half the connection he and I have, therefore, they cannot imagine we would not pursue something more. It really shows you, just how folks settle for less then they deserve when it comes to their romantic lives. Probably due to laziness and low self esteem, or it could be for artificial reasons, such as, money, or stability. Suffice it to say, I do not want that type of romantic relationship and neither does he. He feels that he is broken somehow and that maybe he should not be with anyone. I feel that he cuts himself short and is just trying to have the companionship with someone, but, they seem to want to pigeonhole him into the old traditional relationship, which, in his words, just doesn't work for him. I, on the other hand, haven't felt better about myself and what I have to offer and won't settle for what other folks settle for because I know that I would not be happy without the connection and intimacy on all levels. Hence, why I may be making more out of my feelings for him then what we have. Don't get me wrong, If I had to make a choice right this minute and pick someone in my life to be attached to in that way, it would be him, by a long shot!!!!



In order to keep my feet on the ground and make sure I do not allow my heart to want more from him, I have decided to put myself out there for more dating experiences. There have been a number of guys that have wanted to get to know me better and I have met a number of nice guys that I keep in touch with on facebook, through my job, and through friends, that I have not wanted to lead on based on my struggle with my feelings. Now that he and I have decided that we like things the way they are and that he or I are not willing to take a chance on ruining our friendship by introducing a romantic attachment, I have to make sure I keep my feelings in check.



With that said, I have decided to post the second part of an earlier post, that addresses my feelings for him below. This was written before he and I had our heart to heart when I was still struggling with where my heart and head were at concerning him. Some of it is hard to read since it was written in a time of stress for me, but, I also think it needs to be done, to be able to put it all behind me/us. I still feel that way towards him, but now it is geared more towards our close friendship and nothing more.



Here goes:

Now with all of that said............................I have been struggling with my feelings for someone! What makes it tough is that I know myself better then I ever have and I like myself more then I ever have................................and I still feel very strongly for someone that has made it clear he doesn't feel the same way. I have a feeling that we are on a train to a territory unknown and I am excited yet fearful of the destination. I feel a connection to him that is deeper then I have ever felt and it is such an oxymoron in that......................we are close friends and that is a good thing from a partnership perspective.........but it makes it hard in that I would never want that to be ruined. I have tried very hard and continue to fight these feelings knowing he is not on the same page. It certainly hasn't helped that while I am have fought to keep my feelings under wraps, other people keep bringing it up. For example, people that do not even know the two us, have asked me what is going on between us. When I state that we are just friends, they have replied that the way he looks at you is pure/attraction/love. One guest, one weekend, that did not even know either of us, stated what an adorable couple we were. When I replied that we were not a couple, they replied, that isn't what his eyes are saying. When I continued to put them off, they told me that my eyes gave me away also. Needless to say when your fighting your feelings for someone, to have folks say those things, really hurts!

Lets get back to why and what I feel for him and why it is so hard to fight it. First of all, I feel like I have known him my entire life...........he has the same taste in music, he is a romantic like me, he loves to laugh and is very practical in the way he dresses, just like me. He has had some of the same life experiences as me. I have an uncanny ability to know when he needs his solitude as he is a deep thinker....again like me. He has a wide range of friends from different walks of life. He likes to watch the stars and appreciates life's little blessings and sees the beauty in the world. I have had some of the best conversations with him and we both feel comfortable not talking at all sometimes when we are together. I feel so comfortable with him. He is caretaker like me and tends to be taken advantage of like me. He is honest and very independent which I adore. He can be so thoughtful!

Now for some negative attributes! He tends to get depressed, have mood swings, can be very negative about people, and can rant and rave about and go on and on about his friends that get on his nerves and piss him off. He is very set in his ways, can be judgemental and opinionated. As much as I hate to say it - the above is like me also. You may wonder why I see the negatives and still have strong feelings for him...............the answer is................because those attributes as a whole make him into the wonderful man that he is and trying to be. Just like me! he makes me smile and his laugh is like two wine glasses clinking and he has a multitude of laughs. I find myself wanting to help him get through the bad times and get to a more positive place. He can be ornery and is very intelligent! Like me! Granted we both have varying degrees of the above similarities, but I have found that we compliment each other on the above attributes, even the negative ones. I see so much of myself in him and him in me! He is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night - and a number of times in between! Sometimes I am liking how I feel and then it pisses me off when reality hits me and I realize that I feel weak, like a teenage boy, vulnerable, caught between liking what I am feeling because it has been a very long time since I felt this way about anyone, yet being afraid and heartbroken because he has made it clear he does not feel the same way about me. I know I am strong and will get through it! Why am I allowed to feel this way about someone that doesn't feel the same way about me?!!? Why Can't I turn it off!

Now that I have re-read the above, I know that while it is still true, I can gear it towards our friendship. He made alot of sense last night and we had a great conversation and I feel closer then ever to him. AS FRIENDS! I did not like not being able to talk with him about this as we never hold back from each other and its much easier to digest and put into perspective now! Also, I do feel good that its as much his loss as mine and for once I know it was a logical decision and allows us to continue to enjoy each other without the extra stress which neither one of us needs more of in our lives!

Ain't Love Grand.....................or not!!!

Well, after my last entry in which I thought I would write this sooner..............I decided to let my feelings simmer for a while and see if that would change my thoughts on the subject....................just so we are clear - it didn't! Call me what you want, but it seems I am the eternal optimist. Even when my heart aches, I know I am a much stronger person for it!

To summarize where I am at in my life right now, I feel better about who I am as a person then I ever have. As all of us, I know I have my issues, however, I also know that I can truly love someone, be a best friend anyone could hope for, decipher and avoid negative people, be honest with myself and others, have fun and laugh, be realistic and yet positive at same time, and look at things objectively! I have spent so much time tearing myself apart that I failed to see the good things. The last few times I looked at myself in the mirror, I liked what I saw. I am not talking about in the looks department, I have no real complaints with that and feel pretty good about myself physically. I am talking about the eyes (as in window to the soul) and how I feel about who I am and what I have to offer the world as a whole, my family, my friends, and a potential partner/mate.

The partner/mate has been the real kicker in the past and still tends to be the most thought provoking. Suffice it to say, while I have met a few potential partners, the majority of available guys (I use available loosely), have not hit me where my heart is - if ya know what I mean. Also, after being up here in Gay Camp for 6 months, and meeting a large number of gay counterparts, I have realized and am happy to report, that I would be a great partner/mate. Again, I know I have my issues, but I now know that I have a great many good traits for a healthy relationship. I also know why I remain single and, for once, I know it is not due to any negative aspect of me. I feel that I am single because I choose to not settle for less then I deserve or for someone who is going to take me for granted. Honestly, I need someone who can be independent and not possessive of me and jealousy should not be a huge issue. Not because I flirt when I am with someone, which I do not do, but because when I am with someone - I am totally and completely monogamous! Also, there are very few guys that have their shit together enough to want to take a chance with me. Now when I say chance, I believe that once I am with the right partner our odds are definitely in our favor. Lets just say I now trust myself and my feelings and when my heart speaks it will want to be with the one that is most like me. We would be a dynamic couple - and it would because of the two of us - not just me. Its meeting my counterpart and letting him be free to be him. Its having our space but knowing that we would always be there for each other. Its working it all out, helping each other grow, allowing each other the space and time to work through our own personal issues, but not taking it personal when the alone time and separation is needed by one or the other of us. Its being with someone that makes you feel freer then when you are single. Its being with someone that is also your best friend in the world! Its being able to be totally honest with each other without retribution if you always remember that its about their happiness, as well as, yours!

Part two of this has been written but not yet posted and remains in draft until I feel comfortable putting it out here for all the world to see!

How could I even attempt to title this!

Well -I lied the last time I posted and said I would keep up on this - and while I have great intentions - it always seems to take a back seat! I am hoping that once I get in my new room - and have online access all of the time - I will write my feelings down on a regular basis.
After reading over my few past posts, I did realize that I have come a long way in a number of areas! As for my feelings about this place and the people I have come into contact with, I have made great strides in not allowing other people to affect whether I am positive or negative! At first, I let other people and their actions bring me down. Now, I choose to not concentrate on the negative aspects and if someone is acting Negative, immature, or artificial, which, I have found is part of the gay culture, I don't have to be a party to it, nor let it bring me down. I have met a number of wonderfully nice folks up here and have forged friendships in various degrees. I have made a few very close friendships, I have re-established old friendships, and I have affected some of the guests in a positive way. A number of guests have even told me that they will and have come back due to my friendliness and caring attitude. We have received a number of letters and e-mails to that affect. I really feel good about all of that and that I have found my niche at this time in my life. I have realized that I have quite a bit to offer to the gay world and I really can affect folks lives in a positive way.
Now granted, I have been through hell in the last couple of years with the bank and the many ways I allowed it to fuck up my life! After all of the years spent putting my heart and soul into something and then to be treated like I was treated by one person, I felt I was forced to give it all up. So, that meant cashing in most of what I worked so hard for my entire life in the financial aspect. I had to cash in retirement in order to live. I am left with nothing and owing the Federal Government, from a tax perspective, as well as, my one student loan. The amount I owe the government is manageable and my student loan is more then half paid off, so I have to be happy about that. I worked this entire summer to pay for the apartment in Columbus as I was not asked to move up here until early fall, which meant I could finally get out of that financial burden. Now though, I am in a slower season and not on payroll, so money is not coming in. I did file for unemployment, so we shall see what that brings. Once the new high season gets here, I can then bank quite a bit of money, as well as, pay off the 2 debts I now have. So, hopefully this time next year, I will be better prepared. Its going to be a lonely, cold, cheap winter, but I know I can make it through somehow! Two of the owners are leaving in a few days for 10 days, so I will be on my own. Of course, I have their dogs to worry about and regular stuff to do, but it still makes me a little nervous having nowhere and no one to turn to for advise, etc. I am going to close this post now and open another one to talk about my love life or lack of one. While I am single, I have loads to get off my chest in that arena, and absolutely no one I can talk to about it! The questions I will address is "Why does the heart develop feelings for someone when they don't feel the same about you?" and "Why can't I control it and make those feelings go away?" Is it because "Hope Floats"??!!??

An Update.........Been Awhile

Well - its been awhile since I have blogged....!!! I am going to try and update more often now that the unofficial end of summer has come and gone!!!!
Great news though - I no longer am beating myself up over not having a boyfriend because I have realized that alot of possible love interests that I have met here, have a good amount of emotional issues that they have yet to overcome. There can be sooo much drama among these gay guys on this mountain that most of the time I am glad I am single. For once, I have realized that I have alot to offer someone in the way of emotional stability, support, outside interests, monogamy, caring for someone, etc. Not saying that I do not have my issues, but, I keep them as my issues and I face them head on and do not make other folks pay for them. I think my knowing who I am and being sure of my feelings has to be a big turn off to the majority of guys I meet. I try to always remain positive if not for any reason other then, I am in charge of my own happiness and to concentrate on the negative only makes one unhappy. I refuse to allow anyone else to dictate how I am feeling anymore.
I have met a few folks since I have been up on this mountain who I have developed strong feelings for, but, have realized that they would not be good for me. I cannot tolerate being treated good one day and treated like crap the next time I see them. I am pretty even keel and if I like someone, then I try and treat them good every time I see them. I do not understand folks who are fickle. I am pretty much low maintenance and low drama and I am not just saying that for any reason other then it is true. I find myself wondering why some folks can't see that some things are just not worth getting all upset over. I have had many discussions with folks about why they continue to go down a route that is not healthy for them and just give my opinion and move on. I had a discussion today with someone that asked me why he kept on choosing the wrong type of guys. I could only tell him that him wondering that was half the battle. I have noticed that he continues to go from being attracted to one guy and then the next thing ya know, he has the hots for another. I just can't keep up - LOLOLOL - nor do I want to. I value honesty and have realized that some of the people who I have developed friendships with have been dishonest about their feelings for whatever reason. Its disheartening and its OK because they have to look at themselves in the mirror every morning. I can only be there for them and deal with my own feelings privately. I know that I can be intimidating with my honesty and integrity, but I am also human and I have needs. I have fulfilled those physical needs a few times while being on this mountain, but that is not ultimately what I want to do. Eventually, I would like to develop a relationship with someone where we both enjoy being with each other. Where we can be honest with each other. I want to be with someone who isn't afraid to be loved by me and who doesn't require that we have an open relationship. If I had to point one area of sadness that I have to deal with is that I have realized that I really do not have anyone I can talk to about my feelings without judgement. Someone that trusts me enough to let me in and know that they can depend on me.

Trying to Remain - - - -Status Quo

Well folks - I am still at gay camp trying to get through a tough transition........It looks like it will be another week before the new owners take over and I have alot of work that needs to happen once they are at the helm.
In the meantime, there is a seasonal here that continues to try and cause trouble at every turn. There is another seasonal that has decided he hates my guts! He is constantly making false accusations about me to the new owners and thankfully he was found to be wrong! It backfired in his face. I have tried to reach out to him the first time he tried to cause trouble but obviously it was not good enough. He is also spreading false rumors about me and is trying very hard to discredit the store office with me there. It is thought that he wants his old position back which is what I am currently doing. I have to be very diligent around him and make sure that I work that much harder to make his comments falsehoods. I have developed some great rapport with alot of the seasonals here and I am hoping they all see right through him and what he is trying to do. Thankfully, he will not be working here when the new owners take over as was first thought! I have also received a few complaint e-mails which were very tough for me personally. As it turned out, the first one was bogus and I became a scapegoat for a break-up of an already rocky relationship. The second one was from someone who got pissed because I called him "Babe". I wish I was given all of the good e-mails and comments that were received, but, that's not how people operate. They operate from a negative base instead of a positive one. I am trying to hold onto my positive attitude and look at my cup as half full, as opposed to, half empty. It is very tough to do here!
The worst transition for me is the departure of one of the most important people in my life. David has been the massage therapist here for many years and is the best massage therapist I have met. He gave me one of the best massages I have ever had, so I speak from experience. He always worked very hard and always maintained a strict work ethic and morals while working with a totally gay clientele. He has had to endure many requests for "Happy Endings" and has come a long way in his development to be the best person he can be. The folks here all really love him and his clients have nothing but wonderful things to say about him. He and I have grown so close in such a short period of time and have become, what I think, will be life long friends. He is one of those folks that I know God brought into my life for a reason. I am going to miss seeing him every weekend and hanging out. I will miss our deep discussions and having each other to keep our heads on straight while dealing with some of the drama that is apparent at an all male gay camp. We have promised to keep in touch as we do now and meet at the casino whenever we can. I have a lump in my throat now - so I will move on!
In conclusion, I have to just take deep breaths and move forward during this transition. I will do what I can to insure that the most important part is the Customers and Customer Service. I am going to try and make the behind the scene crap transparent to the customers so there are not affected. The bottom line is I really care about this place and the majority of the people here and making sure the guests have a wonderful, relaxing, time. My friend from Columbus told me today that if things do not work out, I always have a place with her at her home. That made me feel much more calm about things and was very much appreciated. No matter what I know I will land on my feet - - - trying to remain positive and keep the........Status Quo!!!

Jigsaw Puzzle That Is My Life!

Well after my last post, I feel compelled to do an immediate update! I left the computer last night and took a nice long lonely walk. I then ended up at my car and sat there and listened to my CD's and contemplated my life. I really do feel, for some reason, I am on the right path. Its just going to take some time to get there and see the results. I may have my down times, but, I have always been able to bounce back. I have been through so much in my life, things that I have never shared with anyone else. I have decided that I am one strong man and the things that have happened have not defeated me, nor will they ever.
I believe the experiences and people I have met since I have been up on this mountain have all happened for a reason. I do not know what those reasons are but I feel they will all be revealed at some point. I have never been a very patient person and this is one of those times that I have to learn to be patient.
I truly believe that I can have a positive affect on the people I come in contact here and I will continue to not let all of the negative things that have happened make me a bitter person. I refuse to allow the bad things to change me for the worse. I have alot to offer a special person and no one has yet been revealed as the missing piece.
I may not have found that other piece of the puzzle that fits with me, but, I know he is there. He may even be still transforming into the piece he was meant to be. I know that sounds a bit of romanticism, but, in my heart of hearts, I know I am right. Whenever we work a jigsaw puzzle, the piece we have been looking for may have been right there all of the time, or it may be discovered a little later. Bottom line is, if you stick to it, you will eventually solve the puzzle and end up with a beautiful completed picture.
In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy the journey of working it out. Also, sometimes the piece of the puzzle that fits with you may have been placed with another piece, and may appear that it is a good fit, until you discovered that you were wrong. Once that is discovered, you can place the piece in the right place, and the puzzle comes together further. It takes alot of patience and sometimes you have to step away from the puzzle for a while and regroup, go back to it when you have more patience and are not so intent on the problem.
This is one of those times that I have to enjoy the journey and step away when it gets to be too much. Don't worry, I will be back, I have never given up on a good puzzle and I do not intend to start now.

Lonely and Totally Alone................

I am sitting here at almost midnight with a huge lump in my throat........

I do not think I have ever felt so lonely in my life. I know that I need to hang on and get through it but it is very hard right now! I have so much to offer someone and yet I sit alone while nearly everyone I know is cuddled up with a special someone. It all has smacked me right in the face tonight.
First, I see Troy and Matt working together this evening - and they were doing their own things and then they said goodnight and got in their car together and left. The cook and his boyfriend were out walking hand in hand and I watched as they made their way to their camper for the night. I know that David has reconnected with his ex love and they have decided to make another go of it - they are probably sharing a romantic date and cuddling up together as I write this. I am very happy for all of these folks and hope they realize how blessed they are.
I also know of a number of couples right now that are on vacation, relaxing together, making plans, etc while I sit here typing on this stupid fucking blog..........
I am wondering what I have done wrong that it has come to this.........and if I will ever experience a healthy love affair with someone.................The tears are rolling down my face as I sit here.......and that just pisses me off more and makes me feel worse about myself. I hate self pity yet that's all I feel I have right now. The really tragic part is I do not see an end to the sadness I am feeling or the loneliness....and wonder how I will ever make it through..............I feel like I will never stop crying and this all just hurts too bad..............tragic part - no one can make this go away......................................but me!

Sex and the Resort

This is the first installment of of my attempt to write about the sexual exploits here at the resort. This will be sort of along the lines of "Sex In The City" but with an obvious twist!

****The names have been changed to protect the innocent and NOT so innocent****

I will be Carrie since I am going to narrate these installments - you all will have to figure out who is Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda on your own!

Lets first get you all up to date! I arrived up here on the mountain in the middle of May of this year. Upon arrival I loved the laid back atmosphere and the fact that I could just be myself without worrying about what other people thought of me! I had heard about the "Barn" and did not ever have any intention of ever visiting there. I went down there while it was being cleaned for the season just to see what it looked like and again stated I would never be there.

Well - lets just say I have been there probably 6 times and have "participated" in activities twice. The first time was the night the lights went out and there were only a few people here. The second time was a drunken lashing out at myself for being me - the one that was always in control, etc. Even then, I only "barned" with one person. It is funny to think that a few of the folks that go there, have a group of people around them. I have never been a group type of guy, but understand that being a man - sometimes the hormones take over. Any further visits will be to witness and report back for these installments again protecting the folks involved. This is not meant to be a judgemental report at all, but to monitor and digest what some of our society (gay) resort to sexually when given the opportunity and/or just to feel loved and accepted.

The barn is the type of place where you have to be very discreet and quiet. The lighting is minimal and the atmosphere is very back woodsy, clandestine, and anything goes. Its reminiscent of the backrooms and bath-houses that are in most major cities. A good depiction of what it is like would be to watch any bar episode of "Queer As Folk" or the movie "Torch Song Trilogy". To name just a few. There is a wooden box built right into the barn on the left as you enter through a sliding wooden door. This box is filled with Condoms regularly and unfortunately there can be some that refuse to use them, and should.

Needless to say, those that truly know me, know that I am not the most graceful and quiet person. I have burst out laughing in there before and got "shushed"! I have stubbed my toe on entering and staggered into the barn while screaming obscenities - at which point - about 8 people ran out! I can clear a room - and now even a barn! LOL

There can also be drama down there! If ones boyfriend decides to partake and doesn't really inform the other of his need, there can be fireworks. There have been folks actually physically try to remove their dates, boyfriends, etc. Its almost a "no holes barred" kinda atmosphere even outside of that place. Friends and acquaintances will even make out with each other. One person - I will call Colin - told me about someone else I am friends with - who was making out with him outside the barn this past weekend. I was floored as Colin's kisser does not strike me as the type when he is not at the barn! Its almost like folks change dramatically when there. Sometimes these same people will call other folks "Trash" and a "Mess" and they are just the same way. Hypocrisy does run rampant here!

To each his own and we all have to be true to ourselves and our sexual nature sometimes. I am proud of the fact that I am the same person when I am there - just more passionate and sexual. I am also proud of the fact that I am honest about it - and do not feel a need to put others down because they partake. I do have an issue with being a hypocrite as I am very honest and upfront about those things I may not be proud of about myself! I am also proud that I only have done the one-on-one type of hook-up - and then its not every night. I laugh my ass off when someone comes up to me and states that are embarrassed or ashamed about what they did Friday night and then they are there getting involved in even more on Saturday night!

I felt a tad unsure this past Friday about my actions - so on Saturday night I ended up leaving the bar earlier - going down with a friend of mine - checking things out - talking to him - and then coming right back up and going to bed. The only thing I judge is when someone is dishonest with me about it and puts others down for the same thing. I have no tolerance for dishonesty or hypocrisy! We all have to answer to our own conscious and we are all human. I try very hard not to say one thing and then do another.

Tune in this weekend for "Christmas Presents - Wrapped and unwrapped!"

Friends...............The Real Deal!!!

It a while since I have blogged and I was reminded that I need to start being more faithful with this. I am not too worried about it now - as I have only one follower - but once I get in the habit of writing on a regular basis, I can then start telling the family, friends, etc., to check this out. I really think it has been beneficial to write down my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis because I think it really helps put things in perspective!
I have been struggling lately with always being considered every one's friend, good friend, best friend, etc., and never being considered as boyfriend material. I woke up this morning in the best mood, because I realized a few things. I always have those revelations/confirmations seemingly come out of the blue, when I am internalizing my feelings.
This morning I realized that being friends with someone is much better then being in a relationship. Not saying I do not want to have a relationship, but I realized that I want a relationship with someone that I can trust, be intimate with on all levels, and be monogamous with each other. The majority of the relationships that I have witnessed up here on this mountain are far from what I need or want, nor could they be healthy for me.
The friendships I have developed with some folks have been very fulfilling. I am able to share my thoughts and feelings and listen without prejudice to other folks. Because I want a relationship with someone whom I have developed a friendship with first, before moving to the next level, and because that is very unrealistic in the gay world, I have now decided that friendship is really all I need.
Don't get me wrong, I am not being bitter about this. I know I would be the best boyfriend possible. I am really thoughtful, caring, understanding, affectionate, loving, playful, a good listener, direct, honest, responsible, loyal, faithful, etc. I feel better about the road I am on and about who I am as a person. I like the way I look physically and feel I am a very passionate and sexual person. I am continually trying to look at myself objectively and never lose sight of the things I want to work on to continue to grow as a person.
I am finding, more and more, that the reasons why I am single have more to do with the other folks I have met as possible partners, then with me. Where I used to think there was something missing in me as the reason, now I am finding that it is more what is missing in other possible perspective partners. I have found that a number of people I have been attracted to do find me attractive, but think, ultimately I am too good for them. They can't imagine that they could make me happy. They feel that they are lacking in some areas and that I am not lacking, so they are "doing me a favor" by not pursuing anything with me. I have had a number of folks tell me that over the last year or so, but I was never able to comprehend it. The reason is that I did not feel that anyone in their right mind would think I was better then them. I have been able to step outside of myself and look at the entire situation from an objective point of view, and realized that, since I have been concentrating on being mister right instead of finding him, I have grown myself right out of the majority of perspective partners.
So - now I have those that have written me off for dumb reasons like smoking, lack of money, job, location, age, etc, and those that have written me off because of my desire to be the best person that I can possible be, the fact that I am honest and direct, monogamous, faithful, etc.
Either way - those folks have not seen the real Scott. When and if the right person comes along, they will know they have things to work on in their lives and they will know that I do also. They will know that I will be there for them and help them continue to grow and support them and they will want to do the same for me. They will know that I am a quality person and they will have the confidence to appreciate that and know that I would never think I am better then anyone else. They will know that I think of them as a quality person and be loyal to them and defend them and their decisions in life.
I have done some things in the past couple of months that I am not proud of here at the Resort. I have done things that have been totally out of my character because I am tired of being alone, the odd man out, etc. I now know that I did those things because I lacked the confidence in myself and did not like myself because I was always never good enough so why not just allow other folks to influence my decisions. Now I know the truth! I will continue to strive not to be judgemental. Just because other folks settle for less, doesn't mean that I have to, nor does it mean I am any better then they are. We are all fallible, vulnerable, and just trying to live the best way we can for ourselves. I will continue to be there for people because I care. I will continue to be objective about myself, but not tear myself up as a person. This doesn't mean that if I find someone attractive, things won't progress physically - I am a man after all. But I will be doing it for the right reason and not because I want them to like me!
I enjoy the fact that I have found a few guys that I find attractive. Not just from a physical perspective, but from an emotional and mental one as well. Its has been very heartbreaking that they haven't felt the same way about me, but I know it has more to do with them then it has to do with me. I enjoy the fact that I can still, after all I have been through, have faith that there will be someone like me. Someone that is truly a man who will take a chance on me as I am a man and will take a chance on them. I felt that I may have found a few, but I was wrong. Again, it is just as much their loss as it is mine!
In conclusion, I am going to continue to be the best person I can be. I am going to continue to work on myself and be objective about myself. Strive to change anything I do not find good for me about myself. I am going to continue to step outside of myself and be there for the people I come in contact with. I am very blessed to have developed friendships with some of the people here. I love getting know people from all walks of life with their own desires and areas they feel they need to improve on. I am not going to continue to waste time on those that continue to break my heart, either intentionally or unintentionally, and move forward instead of looking back and being hard on myself about it. I will strive to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, yet, not continue to be treated badly by anyone. I will treat folks the way I want to be treated!

Friendships and making a positive difference in mine and other folks lives is more important then being in a relationship that is not ultimately healthy for you.

Friends.....................................The Real Deal!!!!

Break through or Break Out!

Hi folks - been a while since I blogged................

This weekend was actually a great weekend! Met some new folks and actually sold tickets for a 50/50 raffle! The tickets were $1.00 a piece, 7 for $5.00, and for $10.00, I got on my knees in front of the guy and measured from his balls to his ankle! Yes - I actually wore underwear or swim trunks - while selling tickets - and while I was a tad self conscious about it - I actually feel like I overcame the insecurity and enjoyed it! My family and friends that really know me would have been both surprised and appalled at what I was able to do in the name of the charity! LOL The raffle benefited the Upper Ohio Valley Aids Task Force - and the goal was to raise $500.00 which would have been split between the winner and the charity! We hit nearly $800.00 with the winner getting 358.00 and after the winner donated $40.00 to the cause - we have exactly 398.00 for the charity - I was very excited about what I accomplished along with my assistants for the weekend!

Friday Night - Earlier in the evening, we had an impromptu performance by one of our guests named Rem who set-up his keyboard outside in the common area and played some light jazz! It really set the mood and got everyone relaxing! The party on Friday night was red, white, and blue underwear and Matt and I sold tickets for the raffle! I met a really cute guy named Lucas who had lost, to date, over 104 pounds. He had the most beautiful eyes and reminded me of Josh Dashumel, the actor who played on Las Vegas, and Fergie's husband! He was actually a very good kisser and it was nice to spend time talking and feeling like someone found me attractive on the inside and outside!

Saturday - Laid by the pool after taking Roxy for a walk and cleaning the room. I went to work at 2:30 and was pretty busy with sales in the store. The Red party was Saturday night out on the cabana deck. I walked around and sold tickets for the raffle - Rob assisted for part of the time. Ran into Lucas who seemed kind of standoffish with me. In retrospect, I think he is in love with the guest DJ we had as they checked in together. They are supposed to be just friends, however, I got the distinct impression he is secretly pining for Mr. Jimmy as he was never far from him and I caught the way he looked at him a number of times. Oh well - I wish him luck - nice guy - and I hope he finds his special someone. I ended being "over" a number of people and their negative and shallow behaviors. I ended up going to bed and just shutting down as I normally do when being pushed to my limits!

Sunday - Did my normal morning routine - went to the pool and then to work. Being that it was a long weekend, we worked normal Saturday hours as I am usually off on Sundays. After the store closed, everyone was preparing for the fireworks display. I became very sad as I was standing all alone on the camper deck. It was my first firework display here and I wanted it to be special with special friends, etc. I finally moved to the porch and decided to watch them from there and realized that I have to be my own best friend sometimes and had to quit wallowing in self pity. As it turned out, I ended up watching them with Matt, who had talked me into applying for the job here to begin with, so it worked out wonderfully!! While the fireworks are not Columbus standards, they were wonderful and long, and everyone had such a good time enjoying them. Folks were clapping and whistling during some of them and the feeling of camaraderie was palpable at times!!! David and I sold more raffle tickets on Sunday night and we had a great time. He and I played off of each other alot and made a really cool team. Two dark Italian guys pimping ourselves out to make it a success! LOL! What I have realized is he and I doubled what we had made to that point all weekend! I got "gayed" out by the end of the evening - and had to go take a walk and chill before bed!

Monday - I was off work, so I went to the pool and hung out until about 5:30. I had dinner with Rem and 4 other guests. The conversation was really entertaining and it was a nice relaxing group. Rem decided to stay an extra night and because he had already packed up his tent and things, I added the extra camping fee and had him stay in the Barracks. No one was in that building and he was going to sleep in his car. I felt it did not make sense for him to sleep in the car when we had empty beds close by. He was very appreciative of the special treat and ended up bringing his keyboard out and playing for about 2 hours while about 10 of us that were staying hung out on the porches and chatted. I talked to one of the seasonals who told me he was glad I was here and felt that I have made a difference in making folks feel special and that he thought that was why he was enjoying this season so much better then previous seasons. I also talked with one of the guests from Washington DC who told me that because of the kind of person I am and my caring attitude towards folks, he thought I was beautiful. He said he felt I was attractive before, but after talking with me he thought I was a beautiful person. He was so honest and forthright, I knew he was not hitting on me or had no ulterior motive or agenda.

I guess those special occurrences had me being retrospective of how I have allowed folks to make me feel inferior. I realized that my bad moods were my reactions to other folks actions and I realized how I was being weak in allowing myself and my basic positive outlook to be manipulated by people I had no control over. I will continue to put myself out there and let folks know I care, but it is up to them to reciprocate or not. If they do - great - if not, its as much their loss as mine. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel that I am on the right track again. I will not nor do I feel like I am better then anyone else, and god knows I have lots to work on as a person, but, for once I feel pretty good about myself and what I have to offer. I will continue to strive to be a good friend to folks that do not take advantage of it. From a romantic perspective, I honestly know that I will be a great boyfriend to someone and that person would be lucky to have me, as much as I would be lucky to have them. I know that I can now enjoy being attracted/interested in someone in a romantic aspect, even if they do not feel the same about me. If you truly care about someone, then you will want them to be happy, even it is not you that can do it. For once, I know it has nothing to do with me, but is inside of them to figure out. With that said, I have decided, I will no longer be a party to bullshit. If someone I care about as a friend or more, begins to be overly negative or makes me feel unwanted in any way, I will just remove myself from the situation and concentrate on those folks around me who I can enjoy and who do not play games with me. I can also go for a walk, go to bed, read a book, etc. I am going to strive not to let those people/situations change my mood anymore. Life is too short for bullshit and for negativity! As for having feelings that may run deeper then friendship - if it is not reciprocated - I will eventually naturally move on. For once, I truly know what I have to offer someone and I truly know that if they don't feel the same about me - its as much their loss as mine!

Along with that comes a need to be honest with folks and have the courage to stand up for your morals, values, and convictions. I will try very hard not to pass judgement on folks, but, I will not be attacked for my beliefs either. To each his own - I have no control over other folks or their actions, but I do have control over me and how I allow others and their opinions affect me.

Move forward or Move out - Break through or break out.....................................................

Emotions.........are taking me over!

I am trying very hard to keep up on making regular entries here!

Today was one of those mixed emotions type days. I woke up this morning in the same melancholy mood from the day before. I am struggling with some emotions that I need to process and decide on my next steps. I have realized that I have always been one of those people that makes a decision about situations and feelings and acts on them. I am experiencing feelings that, one hand are wonderful, but, on the other, are frightening and I am unsure about. I am trying to let things happen the way they are supposed to happen without all of the thought, but, have realized, that I am so afraid of getting hurt. Guess what - I am hurting anyway, so what does it really matter. I should be glad that I can feel anything at all right now, but, that is small consolation when your desires and needs are not being fulfilled and there is a good possibility that they may not ever be! There is a song out now that states "I would rather be able to feel hurt then nothing at all" and I am wondering if that is true.
It has been very hard for me to be here at camp and feel a sort of kinship with the other folks here. While I am gay, I am turned off by some of the things that go on here and sometimes it makes me feel very negative about ever finding my place in life or anyone to share it with. This is really not my feeling insecure or anything. While I know I will always have things to work on, I am feeling really good about myself. I would be one hell of a great boyfriend and life partner! My problem is I always find myself attracted to the wrong type of guy and usually it is one that doesn't even know I exist from a romantic perspective. I have so many people tell me that I am such a good friend, which makes me feel good on one hand, on the other? Is that all I will ever be to people? Why is it that I can see someones wonderful qualities and also the bad ones that just get on my last nerves, and still want to be with them? Does anyone else out there see both ends of the spectrum in me and still want to be with me? Am I the only gay man left that doesn't need perfection?!?
While I feel good about myself, my future, and the track I am on, it is an awfully lonely place. Its not that folks do not find me attractive - I think they do - I just wonder if they are afraid that they would have to actually work at building a strong relationship with me. I am finding that other gay men have a tendency to go for the easy route. One in which they just have to show up. One in which they do not have to share, be faithful, and accept someone for their good traits and their bad. I am finding a number of gay men wear rose-colored glasses - and god forbid if anyone challenges them to take them off. At times, it seems it is all about sex and the next conquest! And if I am with that special someone, will it be enough for us to be committed to one another only?
I cannot count how many couples are into casual sex outside the relationship! Its almost like, I know he is going to cheat, so why not allow it as long as I know whats going on. Whatever happened to good ole fashioned monogamy?! What happened to being intimate, on all levels, and looking to your partner to fulfill those needs? Maybe working together to get through the tough times and enjoy the good? Maybe spicing up your sex lives in ways that require you to think outside the box, without involving a third party?? As for the single gay man? A good number of them want immediate gratification - Lets see how many guys we can bed this weekend!! I want your body - not your mind!!!
So, even if I meet someone that I am attracted to, and interested in getting to know, will they look past their physical attraction to me for more? Or will they have a list of unrealistic requirements that require no work on their part? Will they want an "open" relationship because they want their cake and eat it also?
I have read and re-read the above, and I know it sounds like a bunch of mixed up feelings. I have so much more to ponder that I am now just too tired to address, but I just needed to start somewhere and get the thoughts out on the blog!
Part of me has such a positive outlook and hopes about this place and a few folks I have met. The other part of me is wondering if I should just pack up all of my stuff and go home? I feel like I don't fit in with the gay world or the straight world! And if there is a special person here, will he ever see whats right in front of him? Will he break my heart? Will he discard me as a romantic partner for shallow reasons? Will I not meet ALL of his requirements? Will he run hot and cold and leave me guessing forever? OR..........................Will we have an honest, committed relationship? Will we enjoy each other and be there for each other? Will we support each other through thick and thin? Will we build a life together and make the necessary sacrifices all relationships have to make? Will we grow old together and look back and laugh about the early days?

Hows that for wishful thinking??????

Purely For Laughs

Plus or Minus - You Decide

Second entry - I am getting good at this! LOL


Today's Topic - When it comes to romance, what is considered a plus and what is considered a minus in the Gay world?

I can only speak for myself, but it seems that some of my counterparts (other gay men), make snap judgements and/or draw conclusions in a negative way based on their assumptions about an individual. This is done probably very spontaneously and can mean automatically being eliminated as a romantic/sexual prospect. I am a true case in point and below I have decided to list, what I think are my plus/minus traits, etc. I am going to be as honest with myself as I can - how does one grow if they can't look at themselves objectively!!!


Lets start with the plus (+) side:



Fairly decent looking - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Italian/german decent - Look Italian

Very People Oriented

Considerate

Thoughtful

Sense of Humor

Sentimental

Modest

Faithful

Monogamous

Loyal

Protective

Try to be sensitive to others

Love to Laugh

Try to be Positive in outlook and actions

Down to Earth

Love all kinds of Music

Laidback

Practical

Doesn't take a lot to make me smile

Tan

A few Good friends

Caretaker

Wear my heart on my sleeve - (learning to not do it with folks who will take advantage of it)

Honest - Some people do not like honesty and I have to admit - I can be blatant in this regard!

Objective

Open to Constructive Criticism

Good Hygiene

Good Housekeeper - (when I have to be or you piss me off!)

Hate Drama/Commotion

Hate large Crowds

Love the outdoors

Will try almost anything once

Believe in the Christian Values of all encompassing Love/goodness. Reason for everything, etc. (Some of you may consider this a weakness and thats ok)

A respect for all things living - except Snakes and Spiders - which I will not kill unless they are in my way - hehehehe!

Passionate/Very Sexual - (Not many folks know this about me as I am very choosy about who gets to experience my sexual side) Can also be viewed as a weakness in my lifestyle especially!!!

Time to look at the Minus (-) Side:


Self Effacing

Insecure - at times!

Judgemental - (mostly in my head and trying to curb that tendency)

Opinionated - (another one I am trying to work on)

Sensitive - too much sometimes!

Self-centered - (who else could make a list of this nature)

Can be a unhealthy eater

Smoker

15 pounds over-weight - (although I like meat to go with my potatoes personally!)

Blatantly Honest

Too affectionate at times - to folks not comfortable with my touchy/feely personality

Mister Know-it-all - (Yes - I said it - and I know its something that I need to work on)

Being Misunderstood

Financially - Living on a shoestring

Do not drive a fancy car nor do I want to.

Could care a less about fashion

Hate to Cook

Hate to decorate!

Avoidance Tendencies - If its not broke don't fix it attitude!

Don't believe in organized Religion

Believe in some of the christian values of all encompassing love/goodness, etc. (This was listed under strengths also - some people have treated me like I have grown a second and third head on this one which is why I listed it as a weakness also!

Now I realize that some of the items I have listed as plus's, are seen by some, as minus's and thats ok. Some of my minus's can also be seen by some as plus's.

The conclusion I am drawing after re-reading this and adding to both the Plus and minus columns, is that I am not such a bad guy! Also, it is all relative and is dependant on other folks opinion of me - its all about choices and likes from individual to individual. The bottom line is I want to always look at myself objectively and try to be the best person I can be! I am concentrating on being Mister Right instead of looking for it - the right guy will come along - and if not, I will enjoy my friends and those that matter to me!

More later......................................

Age - The Next Generation!

Ok - this is my first real entry and attempt to get things off my chest on a daily basis. Today's Topic? What the F**k is up with these guys my age wanting guys half our age or younger??!!

I was working in the office and received a phone call from someone wanting a reservation to stay with us. He seemed very pleasant and started flirting with me over the phone. Now I am no stranger to this working for a Gay resort, so I just went with it and laughed at the appropriate times, etc. At one point during the conversation he asked me how old I was. I told him and he proceeded to tell me that I was way too old for him and he liked guys 18 to 25. Now this is a person that is mid 40's and sight unseen, automatically discounted me as being too old. Now I know I am probably only a 6 on a scale from 1 to 10, but I look as good if not better then some folks more then half my age! I try to be caring, compassionate, friendly, loving, understanding, a good listener, affectionate, and I have been told that I have a good sense of humor. I am ok with it as, more and more, I think to myself that its more their loss then mine, but it can still be frustrating sometimes.

Now, honestly, I could give a shit whether or not he liked me or not, however, it did remind me of how unfair some people can be and shallow. Yes - I said shallow! I know that sounds judgemental and to each his own and all that, but this is my blog so I can say what the fuck I want to say!

It irritated me because I feel like a professional athlete who is at the top of his game and is never given the chance to play because the other players feel threatened, are insecure, and just plain LAZY! So, while I was taking a nap today (as us old men like to do sometimes), I began mentally trying to figure out why someone my age would want someone half his age (or more)! I like to try and see things from other folks point of view and ponder these type of things sometimes (for better or for worse) and below are some of the possible reasons for this as I was drifting off to a dream world where I do not have so many minus points against me. (I will cover minus points in my next blog!)

Below are some of the possible reasons why middle aged men (yes I said it) would want someone half their age: (I have tried to be as fair as possible)

NOTE - SOME OF THESE ARE RELATED TO EACH OTHER and SOME OF YOU MAY FALL UNDER ALL OF THESE CATEGORIES!

*You are trying to pretend you are younger then you actually are! You just can't stand the fact that you are getting older physically and having a young guy on your arm helps you be eternally young (If only in your head).
**My answer: If this is you, GROW THE FUCK UP! We all get older and while this may delay you dealing with the age issue - it will still come biting you in the ass eventually, so you might as well face it now!

*Dating someone so much younger is an ego trip! If someone younger wants to spend time with you, its like a validation that you are still an attractive, vibrant, interesting individual, who can still kick it with the big dogs (younger guys are the big dogs - in this example).
**My answer: If you have to look to other folks - especially the younger generation - for the above reason - then you should be able to get that validation from yourself! I mean - come on - at our age - we should be at a point where we KNOW we are vibrant, attractive, interesting people. Yeah - yeah - I know the we are all insecure sometimes and have some luggage from life experiences - but looking to the younger generation for this validation only adds to that baggage!

*Dating a younger guy allows you to hide your baggage! Younger guys do not care that you have it - they may even think its endearing - or they may be too inexperienced to see that some of your baggage is really a big RED flag! (If they see your baggage at all!)
My answer: Be honest with yourself and deal with your baggage and red flags yourself. Better yet - and you might want to sit down for this - find someone more age appropriate who might be able to help you sort it out, figure it out, and put it behind you. Us older gents are much more understanding and can help you be more honest with yourself, so that you can actually grow as a person! WOW - what a concept!

*Younger guys are much more sexually exciting! They want to have sex a lot and at any time! You may even not have to do anything but get an erection - hmmm - could this be another reason - your lazy and with a younger guy they think all sex is good - so no pressure on you at all! I have to be honest here - I think some younger guys are very hot - and I may even buy a ticket to ride the kiddy ride now and again - but its nothing like the thrill of the big roller coasters for lasting excitement!
**My Answer: There is a huge misconception that middle aged guys can settle or do not want sex very often. Speaking only for myself - and some of you may be able to relate - I am just hitting my peak - if there is such a thing! I could have sex 4 times a day every day and at the very least once a day! Younger guys are not as experienced as us and in some cases can't last as long! Some younger guys have no idea what true intimacy is and/or can't even give you the definition. I love making my partner feel good and spend my time concentrating on them as opposed to myself - and yes - I am gonna say it - I can get off by the thought of pleasing someone other then myself! Also, as far as fun goes, I love to laugh and play while enjoying each others bodies! Nothing is better then feeling a connection with someone and spending time enjoying each other physically! Try to actually make love with a younger person - and 9 times out of 10 - it involves acting like a rabbit and getting off in 2 minutes!

Ok - I am sure I could come up with a few more reasons why middle aged men want younger men! My point - and here is another new concept for ya - don't look at age at all - try getting to know someone - even if you think initially they would not be your type - or if your one of those folks who make snap judgements based on age or any other factor - QUIT BEING SO SHALLOW! We all have things we are working on in our lives - whether it be age, family, health issues, bad habits, bad experiences, etc. If your allowing these things to stop you from enjoying people - that's a sad estate of affairs - and if that's the case - leave me behind and go for the Youngens!

Stepping down off my soap box for now.................................................

Just seeing how this works!