Break through or Break Out!

Hi folks - been a while since I blogged................

This weekend was actually a great weekend! Met some new folks and actually sold tickets for a 50/50 raffle! The tickets were $1.00 a piece, 7 for $5.00, and for $10.00, I got on my knees in front of the guy and measured from his balls to his ankle! Yes - I actually wore underwear or swim trunks - while selling tickets - and while I was a tad self conscious about it - I actually feel like I overcame the insecurity and enjoyed it! My family and friends that really know me would have been both surprised and appalled at what I was able to do in the name of the charity! LOL The raffle benefited the Upper Ohio Valley Aids Task Force - and the goal was to raise $500.00 which would have been split between the winner and the charity! We hit nearly $800.00 with the winner getting 358.00 and after the winner donated $40.00 to the cause - we have exactly 398.00 for the charity - I was very excited about what I accomplished along with my assistants for the weekend!

Friday Night - Earlier in the evening, we had an impromptu performance by one of our guests named Rem who set-up his keyboard outside in the common area and played some light jazz! It really set the mood and got everyone relaxing! The party on Friday night was red, white, and blue underwear and Matt and I sold tickets for the raffle! I met a really cute guy named Lucas who had lost, to date, over 104 pounds. He had the most beautiful eyes and reminded me of Josh Dashumel, the actor who played on Las Vegas, and Fergie's husband! He was actually a very good kisser and it was nice to spend time talking and feeling like someone found me attractive on the inside and outside!

Saturday - Laid by the pool after taking Roxy for a walk and cleaning the room. I went to work at 2:30 and was pretty busy with sales in the store. The Red party was Saturday night out on the cabana deck. I walked around and sold tickets for the raffle - Rob assisted for part of the time. Ran into Lucas who seemed kind of standoffish with me. In retrospect, I think he is in love with the guest DJ we had as they checked in together. They are supposed to be just friends, however, I got the distinct impression he is secretly pining for Mr. Jimmy as he was never far from him and I caught the way he looked at him a number of times. Oh well - I wish him luck - nice guy - and I hope he finds his special someone. I ended being "over" a number of people and their negative and shallow behaviors. I ended up going to bed and just shutting down as I normally do when being pushed to my limits!

Sunday - Did my normal morning routine - went to the pool and then to work. Being that it was a long weekend, we worked normal Saturday hours as I am usually off on Sundays. After the store closed, everyone was preparing for the fireworks display. I became very sad as I was standing all alone on the camper deck. It was my first firework display here and I wanted it to be special with special friends, etc. I finally moved to the porch and decided to watch them from there and realized that I have to be my own best friend sometimes and had to quit wallowing in self pity. As it turned out, I ended up watching them with Matt, who had talked me into applying for the job here to begin with, so it worked out wonderfully!! While the fireworks are not Columbus standards, they were wonderful and long, and everyone had such a good time enjoying them. Folks were clapping and whistling during some of them and the feeling of camaraderie was palpable at times!!! David and I sold more raffle tickets on Sunday night and we had a great time. He and I played off of each other alot and made a really cool team. Two dark Italian guys pimping ourselves out to make it a success! LOL! What I have realized is he and I doubled what we had made to that point all weekend! I got "gayed" out by the end of the evening - and had to go take a walk and chill before bed!

Monday - I was off work, so I went to the pool and hung out until about 5:30. I had dinner with Rem and 4 other guests. The conversation was really entertaining and it was a nice relaxing group. Rem decided to stay an extra night and because he had already packed up his tent and things, I added the extra camping fee and had him stay in the Barracks. No one was in that building and he was going to sleep in his car. I felt it did not make sense for him to sleep in the car when we had empty beds close by. He was very appreciative of the special treat and ended up bringing his keyboard out and playing for about 2 hours while about 10 of us that were staying hung out on the porches and chatted. I talked to one of the seasonals who told me he was glad I was here and felt that I have made a difference in making folks feel special and that he thought that was why he was enjoying this season so much better then previous seasons. I also talked with one of the guests from Washington DC who told me that because of the kind of person I am and my caring attitude towards folks, he thought I was beautiful. He said he felt I was attractive before, but after talking with me he thought I was a beautiful person. He was so honest and forthright, I knew he was not hitting on me or had no ulterior motive or agenda.

I guess those special occurrences had me being retrospective of how I have allowed folks to make me feel inferior. I realized that my bad moods were my reactions to other folks actions and I realized how I was being weak in allowing myself and my basic positive outlook to be manipulated by people I had no control over. I will continue to put myself out there and let folks know I care, but it is up to them to reciprocate or not. If they do - great - if not, its as much their loss as mine. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel that I am on the right track again. I will not nor do I feel like I am better then anyone else, and god knows I have lots to work on as a person, but, for once I feel pretty good about myself and what I have to offer. I will continue to strive to be a good friend to folks that do not take advantage of it. From a romantic perspective, I honestly know that I will be a great boyfriend to someone and that person would be lucky to have me, as much as I would be lucky to have them. I know that I can now enjoy being attracted/interested in someone in a romantic aspect, even if they do not feel the same about me. If you truly care about someone, then you will want them to be happy, even it is not you that can do it. For once, I know it has nothing to do with me, but is inside of them to figure out. With that said, I have decided, I will no longer be a party to bullshit. If someone I care about as a friend or more, begins to be overly negative or makes me feel unwanted in any way, I will just remove myself from the situation and concentrate on those folks around me who I can enjoy and who do not play games with me. I can also go for a walk, go to bed, read a book, etc. I am going to strive not to let those people/situations change my mood anymore. Life is too short for bullshit and for negativity! As for having feelings that may run deeper then friendship - if it is not reciprocated - I will eventually naturally move on. For once, I truly know what I have to offer someone and I truly know that if they don't feel the same about me - its as much their loss as mine!

Along with that comes a need to be honest with folks and have the courage to stand up for your morals, values, and convictions. I will try very hard not to pass judgement on folks, but, I will not be attacked for my beliefs either. To each his own - I have no control over other folks or their actions, but I do have control over me and how I allow others and their opinions affect me.

Move forward or Move out - Break through or break out.....................................................