I mean I could not talk to Matt about it because I know he would never understand and thankfully he just thought I was being quiet and never questioned my mood. I had a huge lump in my throat and some of the songs he was playing were very hard to hear. On the way back, the sun was breaking through the clouds in a number of places and the rays were like beams coming down. It was so beautiful and of course, I immediately thought of my "good" friend which just fueled my depression and melancholy mood. The more I thought about things the more sad I became.
When we got back to the mountain, we had a guest that I had to put on a happy face for and give him the grand tour and be all positive. Then I made it through dinner and finally was able to escape to my room. I ended up falling asleep thankfully about 8:30 and, of course, woke up at 3 a.m. even sadder then before. I am overwhelmed with emotion and I felt and continue to feel like crying. The only problem is I feel like if I start crying, I won't stop so I try and push it deep down.
I have even tried to create diversion. I have a few guys that I am chatting back and forth with on facebook and the IPOD and while they offer some sort of diversion, my heart just isn't in it! I am trying to keep busy and get some things done in my room and around the resort, but I feel like the walking dead! Some of the words to the below song "Tears Of A Clown" says some of what I am feeling:
Now if there is a smile on my face
its only there trying to fool the public
Now if I appear to be carefree
Its only to camouflage my sadness
And Honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
Now if there's a smile upon my face
Don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don't let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don't care
Then I realized last night that no one has broken my heart but me. I have broken my own heart! Now how fucked up is that? To realize that I have allowed my heart to develop strong feelings knowing that it was not reciprocated and would not be reciprocated. I feel like I had no control of it, yet, here I sit in this turmoil with no one to blame but myself!
A couple of weeks ago, as Brad and I were driving back from taking my mother home to Columbus, he put a CD in and there was a song that I had never heard and the words were so haunting and hit the nail on the head, that I burst out crying. I was driving and he gave me this look and asked me what the hell was wrong. I could not tell him because I am soooo ashamed of myself, so I told him it just reminded me of someone in the past! Then I realized that I did not even have half of these feelings for my ex that I do now, which makes it all even worse!
I continue to try to put this all in perspective and my last blog had it all tied up in a "neat little package", but, guess what? The ribbon fell off, the paper is torn, and I have to find the strength to re-wrap it all back up again.
I have tried to think about all of the negatives I can think of concerning the object of my affection, but, that only gets me through a few minutes! I truly am my own worst enemy - because I caused all of this. The blood is only on my hands and in order to get through it, I hate myself to some degree. Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time and have kept this all to myself and realized what was happening early and really bombarded myself with the negatives or something. As my dad would say "ya can't cry over spilled milk"! Well, papa, I dumped a whole dairy farm and now I am in the middle of it!!!
The only true escape I have is sleep, because when I am asleep I can dream and pretend that it is alright - the hard part is waking up and starting the struggle all over again!
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