We have had a number of folks pushing us together romantically because they sense the closeness he and I have. I think a number of these folks currently in relationships do not have half the connection he and I have, therefore, they cannot imagine we would not pursue something more. It really shows you, just how folks settle for less then they deserve when it comes to their romantic lives. Probably due to laziness and low self esteem, or it could be for artificial reasons, such as, money, or stability. Suffice it to say, I do not want that type of romantic relationship and neither does he. He feels that he is broken somehow and that maybe he should not be with anyone. I feel that he cuts himself short and is just trying to have the companionship with someone, but, they seem to want to pigeonhole him into the old traditional relationship, which, in his words, just doesn't work for him. I, on the other hand, haven't felt better about myself and what I have to offer and won't settle for what other folks settle for because I know that I would not be happy without the connection and intimacy on all levels. Hence, why I may be making more out of my feelings for him then what we have. Don't get me wrong, If I had to make a choice right this minute and pick someone in my life to be attached to in that way, it would be him, by a long shot!!!!
In order to keep my feet on the ground and make sure I do not allow my heart to want more from him, I have decided to put myself out there for more dating experiences. There have been a number of guys that have wanted to get to know me better and I have met a number of nice guys that I keep in touch with on facebook, through my job, and through friends, that I have not wanted to lead on based on my struggle with my feelings. Now that he and I have decided that we like things the way they are and that he or I are not willing to take a chance on ruining our friendship by introducing a romantic attachment, I have to make sure I keep my feelings in check.
With that said, I have decided to post the second part of an earlier post, that addresses my feelings for him below. This was written before he and I had our heart to heart when I was still struggling with where my heart and head were at concerning him. Some of it is hard to read since it was written in a time of stress for me, but, I also think it needs to be done, to be able to put it all behind me/us. I still feel that way towards him, but now it is geared more towards our close friendship and nothing more.
Here goes:
Now with all of that said............................I have been struggling with my feelings for someone! What makes it tough is that I know myself better then I ever have and I like myself more then I ever have................................and I still feel very strongly for someone that has made it clear he doesn't feel the same way. I have a feeling that we are on a train to a territory unknown and I am excited yet fearful of the destination. I feel a connection to him that is deeper then I have ever felt and it is such an oxymoron in that......................we are close friends and that is a good thing from a partnership perspective.........but it makes it hard in that I would never want that to be ruined. I have tried very hard and continue to fight these feelings knowing he is not on the same page. It certainly hasn't helped that while I am have fought to keep my feelings under wraps, other people keep bringing it up. For example, people that do not even know the two us, have asked me what is going on between us. When I state that we are just friends, they have replied that the way he looks at you is pure/attraction/love. One guest, one weekend, that did not even know either of us, stated what an adorable couple we were. When I replied that we were not a couple, they replied, that isn't what his eyes are saying. When I continued to put them off, they told me that my eyes gave me away also. Needless to say when your fighting your feelings for someone, to have folks say those things, really hurts!
Lets get back to why and what I feel for him and why it is so hard to fight it. First of all, I feel like I have known him my entire life...........he has the same taste in music, he is a romantic like me, he loves to laugh and is very practical in the way he dresses, just like me. He has had some of the same life experiences as me. I have an uncanny ability to know when he needs his solitude as he is a deep thinker....again like me. He has a wide range of friends from different walks of life. He likes to watch the stars and appreciates life's little blessings and sees the beauty in the world. I have had some of the best conversations with him and we both feel comfortable not talking at all sometimes when we are together. I feel so comfortable with him. He is caretaker like me and tends to be taken advantage of like me. He is honest and very independent which I adore. He can be so thoughtful!
Now for some negative attributes! He tends to get depressed, have mood swings, can be very negative about people, and can rant and rave about and go on and on about his friends that get on his nerves and piss him off. He is very set in his ways, can be judgemental and opinionated. As much as I hate to say it - the above is like me also. You may wonder why I see the negatives and still have strong feelings for him...............the answer is................because those attributes as a whole make him into the wonderful man that he is and trying to be. Just like me! he makes me smile and his laugh is like two wine glasses clinking and he has a multitude of laughs. I find myself wanting to help him get through the bad times and get to a more positive place. He can be ornery and is very intelligent! Like me! Granted we both have varying degrees of the above similarities, but I have found that we compliment each other on the above attributes, even the negative ones. I see so much of myself in him and him in me! He is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night - and a number of times in between! Sometimes I am liking how I feel and then it pisses me off when reality hits me and I realize that I feel weak, like a teenage boy, vulnerable, caught between liking what I am feeling because it has been a very long time since I felt this way about anyone, yet being afraid and heartbroken because he has made it clear he does not feel the same way about me. I know I am strong and will get through it! Why am I allowed to feel this way about someone that doesn't feel the same way about me?!!? Why Can't I turn it off!
Now that I have re-read the above, I know that while it is still true, I can gear it towards our friendship. He made alot of sense last night and we had a great conversation and I feel closer then ever to him. AS FRIENDS! I did not like not being able to talk with him about this as we never hold back from each other and its much easier to digest and put into perspective now! Also, I do feel good that its as much his loss as mine and for once I know it was a logical decision and allows us to continue to enjoy each other without the extra stress which neither one of us needs more of in our lives!
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