Friends...............The Real Deal!!!

It a while since I have blogged and I was reminded that I need to start being more faithful with this. I am not too worried about it now - as I have only one follower - but once I get in the habit of writing on a regular basis, I can then start telling the family, friends, etc., to check this out. I really think it has been beneficial to write down my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis because I think it really helps put things in perspective!
I have been struggling lately with always being considered every one's friend, good friend, best friend, etc., and never being considered as boyfriend material. I woke up this morning in the best mood, because I realized a few things. I always have those revelations/confirmations seemingly come out of the blue, when I am internalizing my feelings.
This morning I realized that being friends with someone is much better then being in a relationship. Not saying I do not want to have a relationship, but I realized that I want a relationship with someone that I can trust, be intimate with on all levels, and be monogamous with each other. The majority of the relationships that I have witnessed up here on this mountain are far from what I need or want, nor could they be healthy for me.
The friendships I have developed with some folks have been very fulfilling. I am able to share my thoughts and feelings and listen without prejudice to other folks. Because I want a relationship with someone whom I have developed a friendship with first, before moving to the next level, and because that is very unrealistic in the gay world, I have now decided that friendship is really all I need.
Don't get me wrong, I am not being bitter about this. I know I would be the best boyfriend possible. I am really thoughtful, caring, understanding, affectionate, loving, playful, a good listener, direct, honest, responsible, loyal, faithful, etc. I feel better about the road I am on and about who I am as a person. I like the way I look physically and feel I am a very passionate and sexual person. I am continually trying to look at myself objectively and never lose sight of the things I want to work on to continue to grow as a person.
I am finding, more and more, that the reasons why I am single have more to do with the other folks I have met as possible partners, then with me. Where I used to think there was something missing in me as the reason, now I am finding that it is more what is missing in other possible perspective partners. I have found that a number of people I have been attracted to do find me attractive, but think, ultimately I am too good for them. They can't imagine that they could make me happy. They feel that they are lacking in some areas and that I am not lacking, so they are "doing me a favor" by not pursuing anything with me. I have had a number of folks tell me that over the last year or so, but I was never able to comprehend it. The reason is that I did not feel that anyone in their right mind would think I was better then them. I have been able to step outside of myself and look at the entire situation from an objective point of view, and realized that, since I have been concentrating on being mister right instead of finding him, I have grown myself right out of the majority of perspective partners.
So - now I have those that have written me off for dumb reasons like smoking, lack of money, job, location, age, etc, and those that have written me off because of my desire to be the best person that I can possible be, the fact that I am honest and direct, monogamous, faithful, etc.
Either way - those folks have not seen the real Scott. When and if the right person comes along, they will know they have things to work on in their lives and they will know that I do also. They will know that I will be there for them and help them continue to grow and support them and they will want to do the same for me. They will know that I am a quality person and they will have the confidence to appreciate that and know that I would never think I am better then anyone else. They will know that I think of them as a quality person and be loyal to them and defend them and their decisions in life.
I have done some things in the past couple of months that I am not proud of here at the Resort. I have done things that have been totally out of my character because I am tired of being alone, the odd man out, etc. I now know that I did those things because I lacked the confidence in myself and did not like myself because I was always never good enough so why not just allow other folks to influence my decisions. Now I know the truth! I will continue to strive not to be judgemental. Just because other folks settle for less, doesn't mean that I have to, nor does it mean I am any better then they are. We are all fallible, vulnerable, and just trying to live the best way we can for ourselves. I will continue to be there for people because I care. I will continue to be objective about myself, but not tear myself up as a person. This doesn't mean that if I find someone attractive, things won't progress physically - I am a man after all. But I will be doing it for the right reason and not because I want them to like me!
I enjoy the fact that I have found a few guys that I find attractive. Not just from a physical perspective, but from an emotional and mental one as well. Its has been very heartbreaking that they haven't felt the same way about me, but I know it has more to do with them then it has to do with me. I enjoy the fact that I can still, after all I have been through, have faith that there will be someone like me. Someone that is truly a man who will take a chance on me as I am a man and will take a chance on them. I felt that I may have found a few, but I was wrong. Again, it is just as much their loss as it is mine!
In conclusion, I am going to continue to be the best person I can be. I am going to continue to work on myself and be objective about myself. Strive to change anything I do not find good for me about myself. I am going to continue to step outside of myself and be there for the people I come in contact with. I am very blessed to have developed friendships with some of the people here. I love getting know people from all walks of life with their own desires and areas they feel they need to improve on. I am not going to continue to waste time on those that continue to break my heart, either intentionally or unintentionally, and move forward instead of looking back and being hard on myself about it. I will strive to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, yet, not continue to be treated badly by anyone. I will treat folks the way I want to be treated!

Friendships and making a positive difference in mine and other folks lives is more important then being in a relationship that is not ultimately healthy for you.

Friends.....................................The Real Deal!!!!