Well I have had the last few days off and for the most part I have slept, read, and watched True Blood.
This past weekend was slow as we only had a dozen guests. We had a bonfire in the short term parking and a Hayride in the new wagon which was very cool. I created a room cleanliness checklist and some organized information for our cleaning guy who has been struggling with getting it all done. He says it was awesome to have it this week.
This coming weekend is going to be busier then we have expected. It is always nice to get back to work after having a few days off. It gives me the structure that I miss during those times I am off.
The maintenance guy and his assistant have made great progress on the new deck addition and they are ready to put the floor on tomorrow. Mark has been working diligently on cleaning up the landscaping and trimming trees.
As for me, I think I am going through some sort of depression along with the anxiety. I do not have the energy to do some cleaning that I need to get done. I am very lonely a lot and can't wait until folks get here. Then it never really helps when I have to be by myself! I truly am my own worst enemy at times. I wish I could find the inner happiness and look at my cup as half full, as opposed to, half empty. I also have a negative streak that really pisses me off sometimes. It doesn't help that everyone thinks I have my shit together and really do not need anyone or anything from anyone. When you are strong, you cease to exist! I would love to just curl up with someone and truly relax! Maybe someday that will happen!!!
Ok - enough bullshit for one night....................
I place for me to vent, ponder, and dissect my deepest thoughts and opinions without retribution or judgement!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Dragon Fly.................In Abundance
Today was a day like most others with few exceptions. First of all, I was more productive then I have been in quite sometime in my job. My anxiety was at a minumum and I was able to get all of the normal weekend activities done today that would normally take the entire weekend!
Some changes are occurring up on the mountain besides the fact that the leaves are starting to turn and become more noticeable every day.
Our maintenance guy and his helper have broken ground on the deck extension on the Town Hall. It will marry all of the decks and is going to be huge! The one great loss I can see in this effort is that they had to cut down one of the trees that was closest to the gym area which used to be Torso. I actually counted the rings and it was over 30 years old. Can you imagine the changes that it has seen over the years??? It more then likely started out in the middle of open land watching the cattle meander to watching the birth of the campground and more and more people happening by. Now, it has been killed to allow more room for modernization. It is sad in one respect, however, it will be used for many campfires to come.
Then, after dinner, Matt calls me over to the Town Hall area and the look on his face was one of wonder and amazement. Once I got over there, I realized why. There were literally hundreds of these huge Dragon Flies flying all over and around us, not once touching us. They were flying in and out of our bodies in a figure eight type pattern. I was so enthralled, I pulled out my handy Iphone and did a search on dragon fly swarms. To my amazement, it is actually part of their migratory pattern to swarm different areas on their way to warmer climates. Also, there are some findings that they bring tidings of good things to come or Good Luck as some folk call it. As soon as I heard that, it struck me what I am most excited about today.
I had a meeting with the Facebook Advertising Group and we will be the one and only Gay Resort and Campground advertised on users home pages. We will be targeting all Men Seeking Men in the US and Canada which totals over 880,000 men letting them know about this place. If a user clicks on the ad, they will be taken directly to our web site which we have replaced with a more updated and user friendly web site.
Perhaps the Dragon Fly swarm is a sign of wonderful things to come.
Now I am sitting on the porch, while my adopted cat eats. I should say she has adopted me. She usually only stays over at the Guesthouse area, but, tonight she must have heard me over at the store and came running over there. She escorted me back to the house to get her food constantly stopping to make sure I wasn't far behind.
Life is pretty damn good about now!
Some changes are occurring up on the mountain besides the fact that the leaves are starting to turn and become more noticeable every day.
Our maintenance guy and his helper have broken ground on the deck extension on the Town Hall. It will marry all of the decks and is going to be huge! The one great loss I can see in this effort is that they had to cut down one of the trees that was closest to the gym area which used to be Torso. I actually counted the rings and it was over 30 years old. Can you imagine the changes that it has seen over the years??? It more then likely started out in the middle of open land watching the cattle meander to watching the birth of the campground and more and more people happening by. Now, it has been killed to allow more room for modernization. It is sad in one respect, however, it will be used for many campfires to come.
Then, after dinner, Matt calls me over to the Town Hall area and the look on his face was one of wonder and amazement. Once I got over there, I realized why. There were literally hundreds of these huge Dragon Flies flying all over and around us, not once touching us. They were flying in and out of our bodies in a figure eight type pattern. I was so enthralled, I pulled out my handy Iphone and did a search on dragon fly swarms. To my amazement, it is actually part of their migratory pattern to swarm different areas on their way to warmer climates. Also, there are some findings that they bring tidings of good things to come or Good Luck as some folk call it. As soon as I heard that, it struck me what I am most excited about today.
I had a meeting with the Facebook Advertising Group and we will be the one and only Gay Resort and Campground advertised on users home pages. We will be targeting all Men Seeking Men in the US and Canada which totals over 880,000 men letting them know about this place. If a user clicks on the ad, they will be taken directly to our web site which we have replaced with a more updated and user friendly web site.
Perhaps the Dragon Fly swarm is a sign of wonderful things to come.
Now I am sitting on the porch, while my adopted cat eats. I should say she has adopted me. She usually only stays over at the Guesthouse area, but, tonight she must have heard me over at the store and came running over there. She escorted me back to the house to get her food constantly stopping to make sure I wasn't far behind.
Life is pretty damn good about now!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Panic Disorder - Not For The Weak!
Ok its been a while since I have written - quite sometime as a matter of fact!
Well, now that I purchased a laptop with alot of assistance from my Best Friend David (www.anothermilemarker.blogspot.com) I can write pretty much anywhere on the mountain! Right now, I am sitting on the porch listening to the night insects as I write about a topic that I could never feel comfortable putting into words.
Panic Disorder - Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder that causes repeated, unexpected attacks of intense fear. These attacks may last from minutes to hours.
The symptoms can vary and can include the following:
With panic disorder, at least four of the following symptoms occur during an attack:
Chest pain or discomfort
Dizziness or faintness
Fear of dying
Fear of losing control or impending doom
Feeling of choking
Feelings of detachment
Feelings of unreality
Nausea or upset stomach
Numbness or tingling in the hands, feet, or face
Palpitations, fast heart rate, or pounding heart
Sensation of shortness of breath or smothering
Sweating, chills, or hot flashes
Trembling or shaking
I began having these attacks around the age of 13 and they lasted for about 7 years. At that time, I attributed them to the changes in my home life, my having to quit school and go to work fulltime, my struggle with my sexuality, etc. Then they abruptly stopped for a number of years until I was at the age of 29. I attributed them this time to almost dying from severe hemoraghes and subsequent emergency surgery for a digestive disorder. They lasted about 6 to 7 more years and then I was able to find a medication that basically saved my life.
I have went to numerous doctors and have had numerous tests on my heart, lungs, blood, etc. I went to therapy for many years and finally found a pychiatrist that knew there was a blood test that could evaluate the chemicals that my brain was producing and he found that my brain only produces about 15% of the normal amount of serotonin.
I have since learned that these kind of disorders are prevelant in my family throughout the generations. I believe my Father, and 3 of my brothers, have suffered from them as they were alcoholics which was the way they found to self-medicate. Thankfully I did not go that route. Also, my mother has suffered from them in many forms. My sisters and 1 brother are mostly obsessive-compulsive. I always noticed that the majority of my family are very negative and I have strived to overcome that negativity.
I am in a period of time in which I am struggling with them again. My medical doctor has increased my medicine which I believe has assisted some, but, every day is a struggle. Its a struggle because I refuse to give into not living to avoid the attacks. I have learned to cope with them better and I am less ashamed of having the issues. I have met numerous folks up here on the mountain who suffer from them also and understand.
The toughest part is those that do not understand. I recently explained the condition to my best friend and he seems to want to try to understand and has let me know that while he doesn't relate, he can relate to depression and the mind's ability to make your life hell sometimes.
I feel I needed to put this into words to be out in the open with myself and others. I believe having this condition has made me more understanding of other folks and their problems. If one person can benefit from my words then it was not for nothing.
I will be updating the topic periodically as I struggle to work through this once again. Until then, stayed tuned for my newest blog subject which will be titled "You can't make this shit up" (The life and times at Roseland Resort and Campground) This alone should keep me busy for quite sometime.
Thanks for reading and take care!
Well, now that I purchased a laptop with alot of assistance from my Best Friend David (www.anothermilemarker.blogspot.com) I can write pretty much anywhere on the mountain! Right now, I am sitting on the porch listening to the night insects as I write about a topic that I could never feel comfortable putting into words.
Panic Disorder - Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder that causes repeated, unexpected attacks of intense fear. These attacks may last from minutes to hours.
The symptoms can vary and can include the following:
With panic disorder, at least four of the following symptoms occur during an attack:
Chest pain or discomfort
Dizziness or faintness
Fear of dying
Fear of losing control or impending doom
Feeling of choking
Feelings of detachment
Feelings of unreality
Nausea or upset stomach
Numbness or tingling in the hands, feet, or face
Palpitations, fast heart rate, or pounding heart
Sensation of shortness of breath or smothering
Sweating, chills, or hot flashes
Trembling or shaking
I began having these attacks around the age of 13 and they lasted for about 7 years. At that time, I attributed them to the changes in my home life, my having to quit school and go to work fulltime, my struggle with my sexuality, etc. Then they abruptly stopped for a number of years until I was at the age of 29. I attributed them this time to almost dying from severe hemoraghes and subsequent emergency surgery for a digestive disorder. They lasted about 6 to 7 more years and then I was able to find a medication that basically saved my life.
I have went to numerous doctors and have had numerous tests on my heart, lungs, blood, etc. I went to therapy for many years and finally found a pychiatrist that knew there was a blood test that could evaluate the chemicals that my brain was producing and he found that my brain only produces about 15% of the normal amount of serotonin.
I have since learned that these kind of disorders are prevelant in my family throughout the generations. I believe my Father, and 3 of my brothers, have suffered from them as they were alcoholics which was the way they found to self-medicate. Thankfully I did not go that route. Also, my mother has suffered from them in many forms. My sisters and 1 brother are mostly obsessive-compulsive. I always noticed that the majority of my family are very negative and I have strived to overcome that negativity.
I am in a period of time in which I am struggling with them again. My medical doctor has increased my medicine which I believe has assisted some, but, every day is a struggle. Its a struggle because I refuse to give into not living to avoid the attacks. I have learned to cope with them better and I am less ashamed of having the issues. I have met numerous folks up here on the mountain who suffer from them also and understand.
The toughest part is those that do not understand. I recently explained the condition to my best friend and he seems to want to try to understand and has let me know that while he doesn't relate, he can relate to depression and the mind's ability to make your life hell sometimes.
I feel I needed to put this into words to be out in the open with myself and others. I believe having this condition has made me more understanding of other folks and their problems. If one person can benefit from my words then it was not for nothing.
I will be updating the topic periodically as I struggle to work through this once again. Until then, stayed tuned for my newest blog subject which will be titled "You can't make this shit up" (The life and times at Roseland Resort and Campground) This alone should keep me busy for quite sometime.
Thanks for reading and take care!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Life is worth living!!!!!
Well, alot has happened since the last time I have written! Easter was fun up here on the mountain - we had an Easter egg hunt and you haven't lived until you have seen queers hunting for eggs - lol. I will posting some pics from that weekend soon.
Subsequently, we had singles weekend right after Easter and a good time was had by all - I can't believe how many folks actually were here! We all had a good time although I did not get much sleep!
My favorite part of the last couple of weeks has been connecting with one of our single seasonals up here on the mountain! His name is Jimmy and while I have known him since last year, we have never really talked until Friends and Family weekend. We found that we have so much in common, it is downright scary! He is a caregiver like me, is always so even tempered and happy, loves to laugh and truly looks at his cup as half full, as opposed to half empty!
We have spoken on the phone for a few hours every day since friends and family! We have had some awesome conversations and never run out of things to talk about. He is so sweet and attentive and is not afraid to tell me how he feels about me! It is so great to connect with someone at a point in my life when I feel good about myself! Some of the things he says to me has me tearing up as it is so heart felt!
I can already tell that he can be so romantic and sentimental like I am. We have talked about our past relationships and what we learned from them. We just want to let things happen spontaneously and not think or analyze our feelings to death. We want to just be honest with each other and let things progress naturally.
With that said, we have our first official date this coming Saturday night. After I get off work on Saturday night, I am going to go shower and then he and I are going to mingle with the guests for about a half hour. Then we are going to go to his camper and watch a movie. He is supplying the champagne and I am supplying the Strawberries. He is supplying the movie and I am supplying the pizza. LOL
He asked me to bring Roxy up as he doesn't feel right leaving her in the room while we are up at his place relaxing. I told him that she would be fine as she is used to me working long hours, but he insists that she should be with us. I think that is very sweet of him and appreciate him thinking about things that are important to me. When I told him how special that was, he reminded me that I treat him the same way. That I am also very attentive and listen to him and how amazing he thinks I am also.
We shall see what happens, but, for once, I am not worried, scared, or uncomfortable at all! I told him that I hope I do not fall asleep on him after working long hours on Friday and Saturday. He replied that he did not care at all, as long as we were together and it would actually make him feel good if I felt that relaxed and comfortable with him. WOW - not used to that at all - actually putting a positive twist on a possibility that many other guys would be offended about.
Tonight I texted him after I settled for the night to tell him good night and he replied that "wouldn't it be nice to just watch TV together and have snacktime". He doesn't require that there always be something to do or that I entertain him or stroke his ego! Who knows what may transpire between us - I look forward to finding out!
Its these special connections and occurrences that make life worth living!
Subsequently, we had singles weekend right after Easter and a good time was had by all - I can't believe how many folks actually were here! We all had a good time although I did not get much sleep!
My favorite part of the last couple of weeks has been connecting with one of our single seasonals up here on the mountain! His name is Jimmy and while I have known him since last year, we have never really talked until Friends and Family weekend. We found that we have so much in common, it is downright scary! He is a caregiver like me, is always so even tempered and happy, loves to laugh and truly looks at his cup as half full, as opposed to half empty!
We have spoken on the phone for a few hours every day since friends and family! We have had some awesome conversations and never run out of things to talk about. He is so sweet and attentive and is not afraid to tell me how he feels about me! It is so great to connect with someone at a point in my life when I feel good about myself! Some of the things he says to me has me tearing up as it is so heart felt!
I can already tell that he can be so romantic and sentimental like I am. We have talked about our past relationships and what we learned from them. We just want to let things happen spontaneously and not think or analyze our feelings to death. We want to just be honest with each other and let things progress naturally.
With that said, we have our first official date this coming Saturday night. After I get off work on Saturday night, I am going to go shower and then he and I are going to mingle with the guests for about a half hour. Then we are going to go to his camper and watch a movie. He is supplying the champagne and I am supplying the Strawberries. He is supplying the movie and I am supplying the pizza. LOL
He asked me to bring Roxy up as he doesn't feel right leaving her in the room while we are up at his place relaxing. I told him that she would be fine as she is used to me working long hours, but he insists that she should be with us. I think that is very sweet of him and appreciate him thinking about things that are important to me. When I told him how special that was, he reminded me that I treat him the same way. That I am also very attentive and listen to him and how amazing he thinks I am also.
We shall see what happens, but, for once, I am not worried, scared, or uncomfortable at all! I told him that I hope I do not fall asleep on him after working long hours on Friday and Saturday. He replied that he did not care at all, as long as we were together and it would actually make him feel good if I felt that relaxed and comfortable with him. WOW - not used to that at all - actually putting a positive twist on a possibility that many other guys would be offended about.
Tonight I texted him after I settled for the night to tell him good night and he replied that "wouldn't it be nice to just watch TV together and have snacktime". He doesn't require that there always be something to do or that I entertain him or stroke his ego! Who knows what may transpire between us - I look forward to finding out!
Its these special connections and occurrences that make life worth living!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
A Beautiful Morning......
Well, after writing about 4 blogs last night, I think I am now kinda hooked! I am sitting here at the picnic table by the hot tub looking put over the mountains and valleys and the sun is just behind the clouds. I can see the rays shooting down through the clouds and it is just so beautiful, I just had to write about it! Everything is turning so green and the smell of freshly cut grass is in the air. I can hear the birds all singing and there is a light breeze. The trees are all in bloom and flowers are sprouting up everywhere. I am actually writing this on my IPod Touch and it's not as hard as you would think! It's great to feel the sun in my face and it's great to be alive! I am so grateful for what I have and this is what it's all about! I always want to look at my cup as half full, as opposed to, half empty! We have a choice as to whether we are going to be happy! It's tough sometimes, but, it's morning like this that make life worth living!!!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friends and Family...........What it is all about!!!
Last weekend was Friends and Family or (Co-Ed) weekend! Below are some pictures that tell it all.........
This one is one of my favorites as it is of me and my best friend David and the first picture I have ever had with him:
A few with My Mother and Sister:
This one is one of my favorites as it is of me and my best friend David and the first picture I have ever had with him:
A few with My Mother and Sister:
Love Does Conquer All...........Sometimes!
Last year towards the end of November, one of the seasonals came to me and asked me if they could discuss something with me. Of course, I replied that they certainly could talk to me about anything.
He went on to say that he was deeply in love with someone and was very concerned that it would not end well. The reasoning being that he lived in Pittsburgh and his love lived in Columbus. They get along famously although they do not see each other often. They were texting back and forth, talked on the phone when they could, and saw each other periodically. His love had his life in Columbus and he had his life in Pittsburgh and he couldn't see that either one were going to give up their perspective lives to mesh theirs together.
Now being the hopeless romantic that I am, I expressed that I felt he should just wait and let it play out. That if they were meant to be, love would find a way!
Well, I haven't seen him all Winter long and he finally came back to camp. The first day, he came to me and told me that, although he did not want to upset his loves life, and did not want to give up his life in Pittsburgh, that his love came to him and wanted to uproot and move to Pittsburgh. He never pushed for that, nor did he ever mention that, and things worked out. They are working together to get his love moved and his love did not have to give up his job as his company has branches in Pittsburgh very close to where they will be living.
I told him I was so excited for them and that I knew it would work out as I had told him the previous fall. He thanked me and added that had it not been for the good advice I had given him, he would have probably ruined what is a great thing for both of them.
I cannot tell you how wonderful that made me feel. Not to mention the fact, that it gave me hope for a bright future with someone, regardless of the circumstances I find myself in working here at Roseland.
With all of the heartache and trials we experience as Gay men, there is always hope. I realized that, sometimes, you should just let things simmer and let them work out instead of trying to make them work out. Who knows, sometimes the best things come to those who wait!!!!
He went on to say that he was deeply in love with someone and was very concerned that it would not end well. The reasoning being that he lived in Pittsburgh and his love lived in Columbus. They get along famously although they do not see each other often. They were texting back and forth, talked on the phone when they could, and saw each other periodically. His love had his life in Columbus and he had his life in Pittsburgh and he couldn't see that either one were going to give up their perspective lives to mesh theirs together.
Now being the hopeless romantic that I am, I expressed that I felt he should just wait and let it play out. That if they were meant to be, love would find a way!
Well, I haven't seen him all Winter long and he finally came back to camp. The first day, he came to me and told me that, although he did not want to upset his loves life, and did not want to give up his life in Pittsburgh, that his love came to him and wanted to uproot and move to Pittsburgh. He never pushed for that, nor did he ever mention that, and things worked out. They are working together to get his love moved and his love did not have to give up his job as his company has branches in Pittsburgh very close to where they will be living.
I told him I was so excited for them and that I knew it would work out as I had told him the previous fall. He thanked me and added that had it not been for the good advice I had given him, he would have probably ruined what is a great thing for both of them.
I cannot tell you how wonderful that made me feel. Not to mention the fact, that it gave me hope for a bright future with someone, regardless of the circumstances I find myself in working here at Roseland.
With all of the heartache and trials we experience as Gay men, there is always hope. I realized that, sometimes, you should just let things simmer and let them work out instead of trying to make them work out. Who knows, sometimes the best things come to those who wait!!!!
Piano In The Dark...........
Here is another song that I woke up with one morning.........
Piano In The dark
When I find myself watching the time
I never think about all of the funny things ya said
I feel like its dead
Where it is leading me now
I turn around in the still of the room
Knowing this is when I am gonna make my move
Can't wait any longer
And I am feeling stronger, but oh
Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotion
Its pulling me back
Back to love you
I know I am caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, Gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark
He holds me close like a thief of the heart
He plays a melody
Born to tear me all apart
The silence is broken
and no words are spoken, but oh
Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotion
Its pulling me back
Back to love you
I know I am caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark
The silence is broken
aAnd no words are spoken, but oh
Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotion
Its pulling me back
Back to love you
Oh I cry, I cry............
Piano In The dark
When I find myself watching the time
I never think about all of the funny things ya said
I feel like its dead
Where it is leading me now
I turn around in the still of the room
Knowing this is when I am gonna make my move
Can't wait any longer
And I am feeling stronger, but oh
Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotion
Its pulling me back
Back to love you
I know I am caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, Gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark
He holds me close like a thief of the heart
He plays a melody
Born to tear me all apart
The silence is broken
and no words are spoken, but oh
Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotion
Its pulling me back
Back to love you
I know I am caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark
The silence is broken
aAnd no words are spoken, but oh
Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotion
Its pulling me back
Back to love you
Oh I cry, I cry............
Waiting For A Star To Fall..............
One night last week, I was sitting by the picnic table near the Hot Tub and the most fantastic thing happened! As I was was talking on the phone with my sister (actually listening to her talk) A shooting star, Emerald in color came down over the woods right in front of me! I know it was that close because it fell in front of the lights of the refinery plant across the way. I could see the debris burning off it as it fell and it went out right above the woods and I could hear the burning! I stopped my sister in mid rant and told her what just happened. She responded to make a wish immediately! I put the phone down and made my wish! The next morning I woke up with a song in my head, as I do most mornings and below are the lyrics. What does it mean? I don't know, you be the judge................
Waiting for a star to fall
I hear your name whispered on the wind
Its a sound that makes me cry
I hear a song blow again and again
Through my mind and I don't know why
I wish I didn't feel so strong about you
Like happiness and love revolve around you
Trying to catch your heart
Is like trying to catch a star
So many people love ya baby
That must be what you are
Waiting for a star to fall
and carry your heart into my arms
Thats where you belong
in my arms, Baby yeah
I've learned to feel what I cannot see
But with you I lose that vision
I don't know how to dream your dream
So I'm all caught up in superstition
I want to reach out and pull you to me
Who says I should let a wild one go free
Trying to catch your heart
is like trying to catch a star
But I can't love ya this much baby
And love you from this far
Waiting for a star to fall
and carry your heart into my arms
Thats where you belong
in my arms baby, yeah
Waiting (However long....)
I don't like waiting (I'll wait for you...)
Its so hard waiting (don't be too long....)
Seems like waiting (Makes me love you even more...)
Waiting for a star to fall
and carry your heart into my arms
Thats where you belong
In my arms baby, yeah
Waiting for a star to fall
I hear your name whispered on the wind
Its a sound that makes me cry
I hear a song blow again and again
Through my mind and I don't know why
I wish I didn't feel so strong about you
Like happiness and love revolve around you
Trying to catch your heart
Is like trying to catch a star
So many people love ya baby
That must be what you are
Waiting for a star to fall
and carry your heart into my arms
Thats where you belong
in my arms, Baby yeah
I've learned to feel what I cannot see
But with you I lose that vision
I don't know how to dream your dream
So I'm all caught up in superstition
I want to reach out and pull you to me
Who says I should let a wild one go free
Trying to catch your heart
is like trying to catch a star
But I can't love ya this much baby
And love you from this far
Waiting for a star to fall
and carry your heart into my arms
Thats where you belong
in my arms baby, yeah
Waiting (However long....)
I don't like waiting (I'll wait for you...)
Its so hard waiting (don't be too long....)
Seems like waiting (Makes me love you even more...)
Waiting for a star to fall
and carry your heart into my arms
Thats where you belong
In my arms baby, yeah
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Ahhhhh...........Spring!
What a great weekend!!!! We had about 60 folks up on the mountain for this weekend! On Friday night, I ended up hanging out with some of the guests and seasonals and having been turned onto the "Electric Lemonade", drank a tad too much! The bar closed at around 1:00 a.m. (A tad early - dontcha think!) and I went to sleep only to wake-up gasping for breathe at 4:30 a.m.
It appears that the citrus laying in my esophagus got the best of me and thankfully the Massage Therapist had woken up about 15 minutes before this episode and was out at the hot-tub! When I went outside, he knew something was immediately wrong and I ended up drinking a good amount of water while we sat and talked until about 5:30 when I was finally able to go back to bed!
Then I had another good surprise! Matt and Troy were leaving for vacation, so when I got up to get ready for work on Saturday, Matt explained that he had some bookkeeping work to get done. He told me that I could just go back to bed and he would radio me in a few hours when he was about an hour away from completion.
So off I go back to bed with my Walkie-Talkie about 10:00 a.m. I woke up at 2:30 and radiod him to see what was going on. He explained he forgot to radio me, but, still had more work to do and for me to go ahead and come over to the store at 3:30 p.m. That meant that I was well rested for Saturday Night festivities and had a great evening in the store!
Michael (Kitty - as David calls him) and Dan came up and it was the first time I had seen them in quite awhile. It was like the season is beginning since they were back at camp. I developed a close friendship with them last year as they would normally stay an extra day and we would hang out at the pool together on Monday!
Anyway, the three of us ended up hanging out and I introduced them to "Electric Lemonade"!!! This time we had cherries in them! I assisted Ben behind the bar for a little while, so I am getting pretty good at making drinks! (Once I am pointed to the correct liquor) Then Michael and I danced and I hung out with Dan pretty much the entire evening while Michael danced and got his drink on! I did not drink half as much as Friday night, but, a good time was had by all!
Dan and I sat and talked for while until the bar closed (about 1:30 - suppose you have to work your way up to 2:30 a.m. - Rolls Eyes!) Then he went to his camper and I went and checked out the steam room to close it up. Well, there were guests still using it, so I went to the store and had a few bottles of water and hung out on the porch. (Did not need a repeat of the citrus choke again!) I then checked the steam room and finding no guests, turned it off and locked it up. I went to bed about 2:45and was up bright and early this morning without the alarms - woohoo!
We have been making a number of changes in the store. It has been rearranged and I am now right inside the sliding glass doors of the bar, since the bar is now open at the same time as the store. We now have a locked Key Box and I was able to get all of the keys relabeled and in the locked box which is now behind the enclosed check-in/office area. We have new areas for hanging up shirts, etc. I moved the coffee service area over on what used to be the back counter. Ben hung all of my signs and extra key holders and Rob decorated the one glass case with "Male Pouch" merchandise!
I had time for a half hour Massage from Steve, and while he is good, he is not "My David"! He did do a very good business this weekend (wondering if I am in the right business), as everyone seemed to want a massage! It's a little tough as I miss David being here and doing massage. I know he is much happier and is in a better place in his life now, but, that doesn't mean I don't think about him often and miss the good times we had on a regular basis!
After my massage, Michael and Dan brought their dachshund Strudel up to see me and I went and got my Roxy and we sat out on the pavement and played with the dogs for awhile. They then had to leave to get back to the city and I finished some balancing transactions and closed the store at 6 p.m.
I then went and filled up my Ice Tea and sat outside on one of hillside chairs overooking the valley to just relax. The weather was so perfect after the initial fog cover of this morning. There was a nice warm breeze blowing and I wanted to just go to sleep right where I was sitting.
After a time, Ben, Curtis, and Joe (The cooks BF), came over and chatted for awhile. Then Rob and Phil (Seasonals) brought their dogs over and we sat and chatted for about an hour. I then went over to the store and talked with Mark (Another one of my favorite seasonals) and watched a little of a movie on the Sci-Fi channel! Some disaster movie that I tired of after about 15 minutes!
I have a very busy week planned. I have to do laundry including bedclothes, bathe Roxy, Clean the Fish Tank, Do my Taxes, Go get my hair cut, get some repair work done on my car and an oil change, clean the room and get it more organized, Drive to Columbus and Pick-up my Mother and my Sister on Thursday. I am looking forward to seeing David and meeting Robin this coming weekend!
More News Later...................
It appears that the citrus laying in my esophagus got the best of me and thankfully the Massage Therapist had woken up about 15 minutes before this episode and was out at the hot-tub! When I went outside, he knew something was immediately wrong and I ended up drinking a good amount of water while we sat and talked until about 5:30 when I was finally able to go back to bed!
Then I had another good surprise! Matt and Troy were leaving for vacation, so when I got up to get ready for work on Saturday, Matt explained that he had some bookkeeping work to get done. He told me that I could just go back to bed and he would radio me in a few hours when he was about an hour away from completion.
So off I go back to bed with my Walkie-Talkie about 10:00 a.m. I woke up at 2:30 and radiod him to see what was going on. He explained he forgot to radio me, but, still had more work to do and for me to go ahead and come over to the store at 3:30 p.m. That meant that I was well rested for Saturday Night festivities and had a great evening in the store!
Michael (Kitty - as David calls him) and Dan came up and it was the first time I had seen them in quite awhile. It was like the season is beginning since they were back at camp. I developed a close friendship with them last year as they would normally stay an extra day and we would hang out at the pool together on Monday!
Anyway, the three of us ended up hanging out and I introduced them to "Electric Lemonade"!!! This time we had cherries in them! I assisted Ben behind the bar for a little while, so I am getting pretty good at making drinks! (Once I am pointed to the correct liquor) Then Michael and I danced and I hung out with Dan pretty much the entire evening while Michael danced and got his drink on! I did not drink half as much as Friday night, but, a good time was had by all!
Dan and I sat and talked for while until the bar closed (about 1:30 - suppose you have to work your way up to 2:30 a.m. - Rolls Eyes!) Then he went to his camper and I went and checked out the steam room to close it up. Well, there were guests still using it, so I went to the store and had a few bottles of water and hung out on the porch. (Did not need a repeat of the citrus choke again!) I then checked the steam room and finding no guests, turned it off and locked it up. I went to bed about 2:45and was up bright and early this morning without the alarms - woohoo!
We have been making a number of changes in the store. It has been rearranged and I am now right inside the sliding glass doors of the bar, since the bar is now open at the same time as the store. We now have a locked Key Box and I was able to get all of the keys relabeled and in the locked box which is now behind the enclosed check-in/office area. We have new areas for hanging up shirts, etc. I moved the coffee service area over on what used to be the back counter. Ben hung all of my signs and extra key holders and Rob decorated the one glass case with "Male Pouch" merchandise!
I had time for a half hour Massage from Steve, and while he is good, he is not "My David"! He did do a very good business this weekend (wondering if I am in the right business), as everyone seemed to want a massage! It's a little tough as I miss David being here and doing massage. I know he is much happier and is in a better place in his life now, but, that doesn't mean I don't think about him often and miss the good times we had on a regular basis!
After my massage, Michael and Dan brought their dachshund Strudel up to see me and I went and got my Roxy and we sat out on the pavement and played with the dogs for awhile. They then had to leave to get back to the city and I finished some balancing transactions and closed the store at 6 p.m.
I then went and filled up my Ice Tea and sat outside on one of hillside chairs overooking the valley to just relax. The weather was so perfect after the initial fog cover of this morning. There was a nice warm breeze blowing and I wanted to just go to sleep right where I was sitting.
After a time, Ben, Curtis, and Joe (The cooks BF), came over and chatted for awhile. Then Rob and Phil (Seasonals) brought their dogs over and we sat and chatted for about an hour. I then went over to the store and talked with Mark (Another one of my favorite seasonals) and watched a little of a movie on the Sci-Fi channel! Some disaster movie that I tired of after about 15 minutes!
I have a very busy week planned. I have to do laundry including bedclothes, bathe Roxy, Clean the Fish Tank, Do my Taxes, Go get my hair cut, get some repair work done on my car and an oil change, clean the room and get it more organized, Drive to Columbus and Pick-up my Mother and my Sister on Thursday. I am looking forward to seeing David and meeting Robin this coming weekend!
More News Later...................
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Field of Dreams........or Weeds!
Well it was quite an interesting weekend and beginning of the week - to say the least! Both of the guys I was interested in are now history! The first one acted like a rude asshole on Friday night! Then on Saturday night, I finished work and went over to where my room is to take a nap and decided to stop and use the restroom and since we had guests in the sewing room, I went up to the oak room and there is the second guy having sex with a co-worker!
Needless to say, it depressed me as I an not attracted to many guys nor feel a connection to very few! I feel like I finally feel good about myself and what I have to offer and any guy would be lucky to have me in that respect, however, it is apparent that those type of guys do not exist and if they do, they are few and far between! Gay guys do not want to get lucky in romance, they just want to get laid!
Not saying that I don't like sex, but even then I need an attraction somewhat!
I wish I could just stop expecting more, stop yearning for more, stop being attracted to the wrong guys! I really think I should give up on love and just enjoy my solitary life and enjoy my friends and job without the want or need for more! Now how to do that is the problem! I am really sick of putting myself out there only to get trampled on!
So, then on Sunday I could not wait until the guests were all gone, which was 3:30 pm, so I could just go to bed, which I did and slept until 9:30 pm! We still had a few guests staying over and there was a couple here and the one guy was cute and Italian looking and him and his bf were celebrating their first anniversary! I thought they were so cute - until...........
They were staying until today and on Monday night the 27 year old cute Italian guy started hitting on me! He told me I had a nice ass, kept touching me whenever his bf turned away, went to my room looking for me when I was not there (thankfully), and propositioned me on the porch when his bf walked away wanting me to meet him after his bf went to sleep! Needless to say, I could not go off on him like I wanted to, but had to say no in the most appropriate way as he was a guest.
I wanted to scream to the heavens "enough already!" That was like the topping on the cake! Even if I do get involved with someone, will he be faithful? Will he have any morals? Will he, like many of other gay guys, want an "open" relationship?
Will I or do I even think I can find, a real man like myself, in this field of "dreams" or are they all weeds?
Needless to say, it depressed me as I an not attracted to many guys nor feel a connection to very few! I feel like I finally feel good about myself and what I have to offer and any guy would be lucky to have me in that respect, however, it is apparent that those type of guys do not exist and if they do, they are few and far between! Gay guys do not want to get lucky in romance, they just want to get laid!
Not saying that I don't like sex, but even then I need an attraction somewhat!
I wish I could just stop expecting more, stop yearning for more, stop being attracted to the wrong guys! I really think I should give up on love and just enjoy my solitary life and enjoy my friends and job without the want or need for more! Now how to do that is the problem! I am really sick of putting myself out there only to get trampled on!
So, then on Sunday I could not wait until the guests were all gone, which was 3:30 pm, so I could just go to bed, which I did and slept until 9:30 pm! We still had a few guests staying over and there was a couple here and the one guy was cute and Italian looking and him and his bf were celebrating their first anniversary! I thought they were so cute - until...........
They were staying until today and on Monday night the 27 year old cute Italian guy started hitting on me! He told me I had a nice ass, kept touching me whenever his bf turned away, went to my room looking for me when I was not there (thankfully), and propositioned me on the porch when his bf walked away wanting me to meet him after his bf went to sleep! Needless to say, I could not go off on him like I wanted to, but had to say no in the most appropriate way as he was a guest.
I wanted to scream to the heavens "enough already!" That was like the topping on the cake! Even if I do get involved with someone, will he be faithful? Will he have any morals? Will he, like many of other gay guys, want an "open" relationship?
Will I or do I even think I can find, a real man like myself, in this field of "dreams" or are they all weeds?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
From Being Idle to American Idol
Well, I have been up on this mountain going on 11 months and this winter has been full off many challenges! One of the most recent challenges has been feeling guilty when I am not busy every day! Currently, I do not have a set schedule and basically work Friday (about 8 hours), Saturday (about 10 hours) and Sunday (about 6 hours).
Today, we had the cook in cleaning out the storage area that the new "Male Pouch" store is going in. The Cleaning person (Michael) was updating cabins and Gil who was cleaning out air conditioning units and helping Michael. Matt was in the store all day ordering items for the new store, which meant that I could not get anything done in there. Not that I had anything pressing!
So I decided to catch up on the news, get some reading done, download a few songs, and take a nap. When I woke up, I felt guilty because I was the only one on the mountain not accomplishing anything. Well, Rick walked in and asked what I had been doing and it was just a conversational question, but, I felt compelled to make sure he understood my role in the winter versus the summer. I explained that I am not getting a paycheck since October and not until May. I explained that I have to be married to the store over the weekends and that I had explained to Matt that I would be giving him, at least, 20 hours over the winter while I am not on payroll. He responded that he understood and didn't realize I wasn't on payroll, so I am glad I set him straight. I also explained that I felt guilty but I shouldn't because of the agreement and the fact that I make it up on the weekends.
This is all inside of me and no one has given the impression that I am not pulling my weight. In retrospect, I have always been the type of person that has to be busy and feel like I am accomplishing something every day. I think that is a great work ethic and I displayed it by the tremendous amount of hours I used to put in at the bank. I know this is just me and maybe the lesson I need to learn is to accept this part of my life now and try to concentrate more on my personal needs that I would like to accomplish.
While I see folks everyday up here and converse with them, I feel like this is a very lonely time for me. Tomorrow, I am going to go to the bank and deposit my Unemployment Check, just to get off the mountain for awhile.
This evening I watched American Idol with Rick, Tim, and Michael. I felt that it was a great show and my favorites are Pia and James. I think Pia has the entire package and James because I think he is adorable. He is a performer and can sing, however, I am afraid he could fall into the screamer category if he is not careful. Last week, they saved Casey and while I did not agree with saving him as he was never my favorite, I did appreciate their reasoning. Tomorrow night they have to send 2 folks home and I think it should be Thia and Naimi. These two should be followed by, in my opinion, Jacob (Good singer but sings like a drag queen and reminds me of a Muppet) and Casey should go (screams some his songs except this week and not very cute - I think the reddish beard with the Dark hair is nasty and kinda Amish). Stefano is a cutey and did well!
Ok - time for bed..................
Today, we had the cook in cleaning out the storage area that the new "Male Pouch" store is going in. The Cleaning person (Michael) was updating cabins and Gil who was cleaning out air conditioning units and helping Michael. Matt was in the store all day ordering items for the new store, which meant that I could not get anything done in there. Not that I had anything pressing!
So I decided to catch up on the news, get some reading done, download a few songs, and take a nap. When I woke up, I felt guilty because I was the only one on the mountain not accomplishing anything. Well, Rick walked in and asked what I had been doing and it was just a conversational question, but, I felt compelled to make sure he understood my role in the winter versus the summer. I explained that I am not getting a paycheck since October and not until May. I explained that I have to be married to the store over the weekends and that I had explained to Matt that I would be giving him, at least, 20 hours over the winter while I am not on payroll. He responded that he understood and didn't realize I wasn't on payroll, so I am glad I set him straight. I also explained that I felt guilty but I shouldn't because of the agreement and the fact that I make it up on the weekends.
This is all inside of me and no one has given the impression that I am not pulling my weight. In retrospect, I have always been the type of person that has to be busy and feel like I am accomplishing something every day. I think that is a great work ethic and I displayed it by the tremendous amount of hours I used to put in at the bank. I know this is just me and maybe the lesson I need to learn is to accept this part of my life now and try to concentrate more on my personal needs that I would like to accomplish.
While I see folks everyday up here and converse with them, I feel like this is a very lonely time for me. Tomorrow, I am going to go to the bank and deposit my Unemployment Check, just to get off the mountain for awhile.
This evening I watched American Idol with Rick, Tim, and Michael. I felt that it was a great show and my favorites are Pia and James. I think Pia has the entire package and James because I think he is adorable. He is a performer and can sing, however, I am afraid he could fall into the screamer category if he is not careful. Last week, they saved Casey and while I did not agree with saving him as he was never my favorite, I did appreciate their reasoning. Tomorrow night they have to send 2 folks home and I think it should be Thia and Naimi. These two should be followed by, in my opinion, Jacob (Good singer but sings like a drag queen and reminds me of a Muppet) and Casey should go (screams some his songs except this week and not very cute - I think the reddish beard with the Dark hair is nasty and kinda Amish). Stefano is a cutey and did well!
Ok - time for bed..................
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
WHY??!!
Why can't I get this thing to put spaces between paragraphs??? My last few posts have looked like run on sentences and I have put spaces in between each paragraph with the same results - What am I doing wrong???? You all know I am technically challenged - David are you out there???? Can ya help??
Like A Tide......Life Comes In and Goes Out
Well, today still found me under the weather for the first part........I am still battling this slight head cold and I think I am winning! I have eaten healthier today then I have in a long time and I feel like it will make a difference! I received a phone call from my friend Barb in Dayton and her husband passed away last night. She is doing as good as can be expected. I was on the phone with her for about 2 hours and just tried to give her words of encouragement. We cried together and talked about the fact that he is out of pain. We talked about the legacy he left with his family and then I started reminded her of some of the funny stories about him. We both laughed our asses off and towards the end of the conversation, she thanked me for reminding her of all of the fun times and ornery things Dennis used to do. I explained to her that no thanks need to be given, that we should thank him for being who he was and that he is still with her in spirit. I told her that anytime she needed to talk, even if it is in the middle of the night, to call me. My heart goes out to her and I cannot imagine being with someone for 38 years and then losing them. Of course, at this time in my life, I would have to live to be 86 to have spent that long with someone, if I was in a relationship tomorrow. (LOL) While I was on the phone with Barb, I texted my good friend Michele from Columbus to let her know of Dennis's passing. We have not talked since her 50th birthday party and ended up on the phone for about an hour catching up. She hadn't heard from me and I hadn't heard from her so it was great catching up. We were talking and laughing like there wasn't 2 months since we spoke. We talked about her husband and kids and my lack of a husband and kids. LOL We talked about our family drama and some folks from CHASE ((C)an't (H)ave (A) (S)atisfied (E)mployee) I watched some of "Dancing With The Stars" and "NCIS" between phone calls and then some of "Hell's Kitchen" and now here I sit! Today reiterated that we should all be thankful for what we have and not sweat the small stuff. Also, I am a caregiver and should be thankful for that and enjoy the folks in my life! Here's to all of the folks in my life and a few very special folks! (Love Ya All)
Monday, March 28, 2011
"Naturally" By Selena Gomez
I really like this song - - - makes me think of how it will be with that special someone...........
How you choose to express yourself
Its all your own and I can tell
It comes naturally
It comes naturally
You follow what you feel inside
its intuitive, you don't have to try
It comes naturally
It comes naturally
And it takes my breath away
What you do so naturally
Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
When your with me, Baby
Everything comes naturally
Bay-bay-baby
You have a way of moving me
A force of nature, your energy
It comes naturally
It comes naturally, Yeah
And it takes my breath away
What you do, so naturally
And then my favorite part............
You are the thunder and I am the lightning
And I love the way you
Know who you are and to me it's exciting
When you know its meant to be
Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally
when your with me baby
And the song continues but you get the just of it!
Wow - A Blog A Day - - - - -For 3 Days Straight
Well - today was so-so! I was in bed by 11:30 last night and woke up at 5 this morning! I got ice tea and read some of my book - the 11Th in the series that I am currently reading! I have not been feeling all that great the last few days with a slight headache and tiredness! I went back to bed at 7:30 and woke at 11 a.m. When I went into the kitchen, I had notes from Gil, Tim (Construction Guy) and Matt. Gil was telling what he was going to be doing and he missed me for breakfast, Tim was telling me he made coffee (not that I drink it) and that he brought me Milk, Eggs, and Bread, and that he missed me. Matt was telling me he went into town and asked if I would call a customer back for him, and that he had his cell phone on if I needed him. It made me feel good that these folks thought of me no matter what the reason. I went over to the store and answered e-mails and returned calls. The plumber showed up and I gave him his list so he could get to work. I had my energy drink and a V8 and decided that I probably had a slight head cold, so I went back to bed about 12:30 and slept until 3:30. Matt and Michael (Housekeeping) and I hung out and checked some of the rooms for needed improvement. I then went and took a nice long shower and felt much better after pampering myself a little. We then made a smorgasbord of everything left over from the weekend! I had a Turkey Italian Sausage, and two cups of soup. Matt had purchased a digital scale while in town and we weighed ourselves for the start of our weight loss program. I have 16 pounds to lose if it was a perfect world. Troy went to visit his father in Ohio since he was hospitalized with Congestive Heart Failure. It appears he is doing better since he oxygen levels were up and they are releasing him tomorrow. Anyway, once he arrived and after Dinner, Matt asked if I wanted to go to the residence with them. We went up and hung out and visited with their dogs. It was apparent that these 2 dobermans missed me as the one slammed herself across my lap and the other kept bringing me his (slimy) bone! I spoke to my friend Barb from Ohio who used to work for me at the bank. Her husband has Bone Cancer and we learned that he has probably a few weeks to live now at best! She seems as well as can be expected under the circumstances and obviously hates to see him in pain. He just celebrated his 59Th birthday and their 38Th wedding anniversary. She says all she can do is talk to him as he is incoherent and asleep most of the time. She said he told her he wants to die and she has assured him that he should go when he is ready. She assured him she would be OK! Suddenly, my head cold didn't seem so important after this phone call. I then went to the dance hall and watched a good part of "Dancing With The Stars" and bar tended for a few seasonals who are here building a Cabin. (They can put away the Bacardi and Coke)! Now here I sit and ready to go back to bed! More of this exciting and interesting (Yeah-Right) life later.............................
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Another Day In The Life
Today I was up at 8:30 and after getting ready and spending time with the guests who came to breakfast, I made my way over to the store. Now opening the store consists of opening the bar also! (Believe it or not, these fags can drink all day) After unlocking the store and putting out the open sign, I then have to open the sliding glass doors between the store and the bar, unlock the beer cases and the gate to the bar and make coffee. Once that is done, I have to update tabs of everything that folks had the night prior on the system including all kinds of drinks and pizza, balance the bar drawer and make out deposits. My morning consisted of checking folks out and answering e-mails, phone calls, etc. I could not wait until the last person checked out about noon, so I could get over to my room for a much needed nap! I talked to my best friend David who I feel like I have not talked to in forever! It was a great conversation and was much needed since I seem to only exchange pleasantries with the folks here. I feel like it was the first adult conversation I had in quite sometime. I then napped for 4 hours - yes - that was a nap! After getting up I had forgotten that I had not eaten since breakfast, so I made myself a bowl of cereal. I then had to complete 3 loads of laundry, clean the room, get Rox settled, and talk to my sister! Gil is here all week to help us get some of things done we have outstanding. He made a macaroni and cheese pizza with turkey sausage and we watched a rerun of Desperate Housewives. I then folded clothes and cleaned the cat bowls and now here I sit. While I was folding clothes, I was doing some thinking and decided that, right now, my life is boring. I feel like I do not matter in the big scheme of things, and to anyone. I realized that I needed something exciting to happen to shake me out of my doldrums. I do not know what that is, but, maybe it will be something that I have a hand in and who knows what tomorrow will bring. Its like there is an internal struggle going on inside of myself. I go between being confident and sure of myself to being afraid and lonely. Between being happy with the many blessings I have in my life, to being sad because I have no one in which to share them. I struggle with looking at my cup as half full to then looking at it as half empty. I don't know if it is just this time of year, the fact that my job is not structured right now like it is during the busy season, or what?? I know I can only take it a day at a time and continue to hang in there and do what I can to makes things better, help folks when I can, and live life to the fullest! I guess there is a reason and a season for everything!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Mix It Up
Since I haven't written in a while for whatever reason, I decided to try and recap the last few weeks - so bear with me on this one.
Lets see...........first - I AM SOOO SICK OF THE COLD WEATHER.....that - quite frankly - it makes me sick! I have battled cold like symptoms, flu like symptoms, etc., My eyes have been so over worked lately that they burn to just open them. Add to all of this, that I am one of the clumsiest people I know. Wednesday night the electricity went out about 6 p.m. and I laid across the bed to read while there was still light shining in my windows. I fell asleep and woke about 10, at which point I grabbed a candle and went over to the Dance Hall where I knew the "straight" construction workers were hanging out. As I got to the first step to the porch, I tripped and went flying almost smacking my head on the door. I scraped the hell out of my knee and spilled ice tea all over myself. After spending an hour there, I decided to make my way back over to the house and once I entered my room, I proceeded to drop the candle holder I had in my hand. It busted in a million pieces all over the floor. So in the dark, holding a flashlight in my mouth (yeah I still got it going on!), I proceeded to lock Roxy in her cage before she ran out in it. Then I had to clean up her paper, sweep the entire floor (glass travels to the most bizarre places), clean the dog bowls, pick Roxy up in my arms, take her blankets outside and shake them, take her tray in her cage out and clean it. I did all of this over the course of an hour, with a flashlight in my mouth and Rox under one arm. (Don't ever say I cannot multi-task) Then Friday night, I was getting ready to take a shower and barefooted, ran my foot full stride into the brick hearth the is beneath the wood burning stove in the living room. Needless to say, I saw stars and words I didn't even know I knew came streaming out of my mouth. I limped, staggered, crawled, my way to the bathroom to take a look and noticed the edge of the brick sliced my little toe right below the nail (so much for my career as a foot model). My toes still move, but, the little one is now dark black! On the plus side, I found this body soap, that after 3 days of use, makes my skin feel like a baby's. (Not that anyone else feels it but me, but damn it feels so nice!)
I have also been reading alot! In the last month I have read a Vampire Trilogy, The Gay/Lesbian Almanac (Did you know that homosexuals were revered in the native American tribes?), and "25 years of gay struggle". I am currently on Book 10 of the "Left behind" series which is a fictionalized account of what it would be like, in today's day and age, if God raptured his church. Yes, I love to learn and read about everything under the sun! I will give more detailed accounts of these books in later posts. Yesterday, my Nook stopped working, but not to be deterred, I downloaded my most recent book onto my IPOD touch. Who knew that a 300 page book when downsized to my phone would be 5,433 pages?
Since I have to be up in 4 hours...................................more news later!
Lets see...........first - I AM SOOO SICK OF THE COLD WEATHER.....that - quite frankly - it makes me sick! I have battled cold like symptoms, flu like symptoms, etc., My eyes have been so over worked lately that they burn to just open them. Add to all of this, that I am one of the clumsiest people I know. Wednesday night the electricity went out about 6 p.m. and I laid across the bed to read while there was still light shining in my windows. I fell asleep and woke about 10, at which point I grabbed a candle and went over to the Dance Hall where I knew the "straight" construction workers were hanging out. As I got to the first step to the porch, I tripped and went flying almost smacking my head on the door. I scraped the hell out of my knee and spilled ice tea all over myself. After spending an hour there, I decided to make my way back over to the house and once I entered my room, I proceeded to drop the candle holder I had in my hand. It busted in a million pieces all over the floor. So in the dark, holding a flashlight in my mouth (yeah I still got it going on!), I proceeded to lock Roxy in her cage before she ran out in it. Then I had to clean up her paper, sweep the entire floor (glass travels to the most bizarre places), clean the dog bowls, pick Roxy up in my arms, take her blankets outside and shake them, take her tray in her cage out and clean it. I did all of this over the course of an hour, with a flashlight in my mouth and Rox under one arm. (Don't ever say I cannot multi-task) Then Friday night, I was getting ready to take a shower and barefooted, ran my foot full stride into the brick hearth the is beneath the wood burning stove in the living room. Needless to say, I saw stars and words I didn't even know I knew came streaming out of my mouth. I limped, staggered, crawled, my way to the bathroom to take a look and noticed the edge of the brick sliced my little toe right below the nail (so much for my career as a foot model). My toes still move, but, the little one is now dark black! On the plus side, I found this body soap, that after 3 days of use, makes my skin feel like a baby's. (Not that anyone else feels it but me, but damn it feels so nice!)
I have also been reading alot! In the last month I have read a Vampire Trilogy, The Gay/Lesbian Almanac (Did you know that homosexuals were revered in the native American tribes?), and "25 years of gay struggle". I am currently on Book 10 of the "Left behind" series which is a fictionalized account of what it would be like, in today's day and age, if God raptured his church. Yes, I love to learn and read about everything under the sun! I will give more detailed accounts of these books in later posts. Yesterday, my Nook stopped working, but not to be deterred, I downloaded my most recent book onto my IPOD touch. Who knew that a 300 page book when downsized to my phone would be 5,433 pages?
Since I have to be up in 4 hours...................................more news later!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Plethora Of Poop................
At the risk of sounding like the most negative person in the world......................This week has SUCKED!!!!
I woke up Sunday Morning feeling like crap and it got worse by Monday! My head has felt like a bowling ball and I have been sick to my stomach all week!
I had a lengthy conversation on Wednesday with my mother, which is usually me listening while she rambles on and on about mundane stuff. However, she threw in some things that my second older sister has been saying about me. Needless to say, I had to defend myself and set the record straight on a number of things, half of which, I am sure she got wrong, since she has selective hearing. Needless to say, I got off the phone feeling beat up and pressured and made to feel like a shit-heel.
I also found out some very bad news about a friend of mine. He was a regular guest up here and while we were not close Friends, I was mentoring him on cleaning up his life and being careful about how he treated people, etc. Well, come to find out he is in prison and there are 8 felony charges against him, all of which, because the nature of the crimes committed, will have to be served consecutively. The very least he can get for each count is 3 years and since he has to serve them consecutively he will be in prison for at least 24 years. Now this kid is 22 years old and has ruined his entire life.
Then I upset one of my closest friends, unintentional, but still very upsetting for both of us. Given all that had happened up to this point, I spent the rest of the day crying off and on which did wonders for my head. Not to mention fielding calls about our liquor license and getting raked over the coals for something I can do nothing about.
Then this morning, I had to make breakfast for our one guest, the construction guys, and one of the owners. I burnt some of the Bacon and some of the Sausage Links. Someone rang the bell early before I was even ready so I had to scramble to get toast in and fry eggs. The maintenance guy had been cleaning the stainless steel over the stove area and replaced my cooking spray with Stainless Steel Spray which I used to fry the eggs in. Needless to say I did not realize my error until everyone was halfway through their breakfast, so I stood in the kitchen and proceeded to have a Panic Attack as to what I was going to do. I ended up having to come clean about my error and they all had great laughs at my expense. It was funny after the fact, and no one got sick at all, but still I felt like a piece of shit about that and stupid as all get out! Needless to say, I told the owners I will not be making breakfast anymore so one of them will have to do it for now on.
Then feeling like shit all week, put me behind with laundry which I just finished at 11:00 at night - 4 loads to be exact. Roxy needs a bath, the fish tank needs cleaned, along with my room. I need to fill out my taxes, etc., and I do not feel like doing anything.
The weather has absolutely sucked rope the entire week, and given the nature of my job, I am in and out all day, which I am sure is doing wonders for my sinuses and feeling sick to begin with. I have an overwhelming urge to clean out my bank account of what little it has in it, fill up the tank with $5.00 per gallon gas, and drive south until I can't drive anymore!!!!
Lets not forget the icing on the cake! Because of who I am and the fact that all of the above has actually happened, I am beating myself up and feeling guilty for being so negative and sad!
I will end this by saying to myself - ..............................."GET OFF THE CROSS, MARY - SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS THE WOOD!"
I woke up Sunday Morning feeling like crap and it got worse by Monday! My head has felt like a bowling ball and I have been sick to my stomach all week!
I had a lengthy conversation on Wednesday with my mother, which is usually me listening while she rambles on and on about mundane stuff. However, she threw in some things that my second older sister has been saying about me. Needless to say, I had to defend myself and set the record straight on a number of things, half of which, I am sure she got wrong, since she has selective hearing. Needless to say, I got off the phone feeling beat up and pressured and made to feel like a shit-heel.
I also found out some very bad news about a friend of mine. He was a regular guest up here and while we were not close Friends, I was mentoring him on cleaning up his life and being careful about how he treated people, etc. Well, come to find out he is in prison and there are 8 felony charges against him, all of which, because the nature of the crimes committed, will have to be served consecutively. The very least he can get for each count is 3 years and since he has to serve them consecutively he will be in prison for at least 24 years. Now this kid is 22 years old and has ruined his entire life.
Then I upset one of my closest friends, unintentional, but still very upsetting for both of us. Given all that had happened up to this point, I spent the rest of the day crying off and on which did wonders for my head. Not to mention fielding calls about our liquor license and getting raked over the coals for something I can do nothing about.
Then this morning, I had to make breakfast for our one guest, the construction guys, and one of the owners. I burnt some of the Bacon and some of the Sausage Links. Someone rang the bell early before I was even ready so I had to scramble to get toast in and fry eggs. The maintenance guy had been cleaning the stainless steel over the stove area and replaced my cooking spray with Stainless Steel Spray which I used to fry the eggs in. Needless to say I did not realize my error until everyone was halfway through their breakfast, so I stood in the kitchen and proceeded to have a Panic Attack as to what I was going to do. I ended up having to come clean about my error and they all had great laughs at my expense. It was funny after the fact, and no one got sick at all, but still I felt like a piece of shit about that and stupid as all get out! Needless to say, I told the owners I will not be making breakfast anymore so one of them will have to do it for now on.
Then feeling like shit all week, put me behind with laundry which I just finished at 11:00 at night - 4 loads to be exact. Roxy needs a bath, the fish tank needs cleaned, along with my room. I need to fill out my taxes, etc., and I do not feel like doing anything.
The weather has absolutely sucked rope the entire week, and given the nature of my job, I am in and out all day, which I am sure is doing wonders for my sinuses and feeling sick to begin with. I have an overwhelming urge to clean out my bank account of what little it has in it, fill up the tank with $5.00 per gallon gas, and drive south until I can't drive anymore!!!!
Lets not forget the icing on the cake! Because of who I am and the fact that all of the above has actually happened, I am beating myself up and feeling guilty for being so negative and sad!
I will end this by saying to myself - ..............................."GET OFF THE CROSS, MARY - SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS THE WOOD!"
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
WOW ------------------Rockin Robin
I received a comment on my last entry from someone whom I have never met - her name is Robin. Her were words were so compelling and thought provoking that I felt I needed to devote an entire entry to her along with my response!
First of all, I appreciate her insight and encouragement and the fact that she obviously took the time to write a rather lengthy comment. It was unbelievable that someone I have actually never met in person could devote that much time to respond with such fortitude and insight! Thank you Robin for your time and effort - the world needs more folks like you!
Now in response................
The comment " whoever said love was a many splendor thing was delusional" had me laughing my ass off! As for understanding why he doesn't feel the same, I think I have that one down...................you ready? Its because he is blind - lol Now seriously, he is a wonderful person and we are great friends! We have discussed this when he found out the way how I was feeling about him. He was as honest as he could be and explained that I am one of the most important people in his life! He has had many struggles in his life when it comes to love and is working through some issues within himself when it comes to love, that he did not want to take the chance of ruining our close friendship! I am totally and completely comfortable with that and I do not take his decision personally!
In order to reconcile my feelings and insure it does not effect our friendship, I have separated the friendship from the stronger feelings. Its almost like mentally I have made him into two different people - twins if you will. The Friend one is very important to me and we get along wonderfully and have a great time together. But his brother, Mister Romeo, for lack of a better term, I have not seen since early on in our relationship when he actually was interested in me romantically. Let me make this clear - based on my experiences with mister Romeo - and my thoughts as it pertains to his love experiences and issues he is working through - I know nothing could come of it and he is not the person for me romantically! I will not go into detail about any of that, as it would be unfair and unjust of me to share any of his personal information in this forum! Just suffice it to say, he did me a favor and showed his caring for me and my feelings, by not pursuing me romantically.
Also, understand that I wrote "Heart and Head" blog entry to help me get that part of my feelings out and keep them from affecting other areas of my life. I am in no way sitting here pining away for him or spending all of time on that aspect of my life. Blogging has been wonderful, however, sometimes, it gives the impression, as I fear it has done here, that all I am doing is sitting in my room miserable thinking about something that I know I can't have.
My frustration is not because he doesn't feel the same way, but, because knowing all that I do know and accepting that nothing will ever come of it, I still struggle with the feelings! I know there are plenty of "fish" in the sea and I will get to do my share of "fishing". LOL Also, I am into so many things with work, my hobbies, my family, friends, etc., that I already do not have time to spend on my hearts obsession - LOL (Its the quiet times that can be a struggle)
Again, I appreciate the comments and it was nice to be reminded of some of the things Robin wrote! I am very impressed with her taking the time to insure I had all of the insight and appreciate the concern she has shown. Thanks Robin!
Suffice it to say - - - - I am truly fine with everything pertaining to this! This too shall pass!
First of all, I appreciate her insight and encouragement and the fact that she obviously took the time to write a rather lengthy comment. It was unbelievable that someone I have actually never met in person could devote that much time to respond with such fortitude and insight! Thank you Robin for your time and effort - the world needs more folks like you!
Now in response................
The comment " whoever said love was a many splendor thing was delusional" had me laughing my ass off! As for understanding why he doesn't feel the same, I think I have that one down...................you ready? Its because he is blind - lol Now seriously, he is a wonderful person and we are great friends! We have discussed this when he found out the way how I was feeling about him. He was as honest as he could be and explained that I am one of the most important people in his life! He has had many struggles in his life when it comes to love and is working through some issues within himself when it comes to love, that he did not want to take the chance of ruining our close friendship! I am totally and completely comfortable with that and I do not take his decision personally!
In order to reconcile my feelings and insure it does not effect our friendship, I have separated the friendship from the stronger feelings. Its almost like mentally I have made him into two different people - twins if you will. The Friend one is very important to me and we get along wonderfully and have a great time together. But his brother, Mister Romeo, for lack of a better term, I have not seen since early on in our relationship when he actually was interested in me romantically. Let me make this clear - based on my experiences with mister Romeo - and my thoughts as it pertains to his love experiences and issues he is working through - I know nothing could come of it and he is not the person for me romantically! I will not go into detail about any of that, as it would be unfair and unjust of me to share any of his personal information in this forum! Just suffice it to say, he did me a favor and showed his caring for me and my feelings, by not pursuing me romantically.
Also, understand that I wrote "Heart and Head" blog entry to help me get that part of my feelings out and keep them from affecting other areas of my life. I am in no way sitting here pining away for him or spending all of time on that aspect of my life. Blogging has been wonderful, however, sometimes, it gives the impression, as I fear it has done here, that all I am doing is sitting in my room miserable thinking about something that I know I can't have.
My frustration is not because he doesn't feel the same way, but, because knowing all that I do know and accepting that nothing will ever come of it, I still struggle with the feelings! I know there are plenty of "fish" in the sea and I will get to do my share of "fishing". LOL Also, I am into so many things with work, my hobbies, my family, friends, etc., that I already do not have time to spend on my hearts obsession - LOL (Its the quiet times that can be a struggle)
Again, I appreciate the comments and it was nice to be reminded of some of the things Robin wrote! I am very impressed with her taking the time to insure I had all of the insight and appreciate the concern she has shown. Thanks Robin!
Suffice it to say - - - - I am truly fine with everything pertaining to this! This too shall pass!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Between My Heart and My Head..............
I have realized that there has been a struggle going on inside me for quite sometime! Its like an argument between my heart and my head.....the logical and illogical........my soul and my brain.....my conscious and subconscious!!!
I have been struggling with intense feelings for someone and while I thought it would get better over time, it doesn't seem to be! I have no idea why I am feeling the way I am feeling for this person...............I am pissed and angry with myself. I ask God to show me why I feel the way I do...........What is the purpose?
I know it is not reciprocated and I have reminded myself of that a thousand times!!! I think about him 100 times a day and get so angry with myself when I realize what I am thinking! The first thing I think about in the morning is him.........STOP..........then I go outside and see a beautiful sunrise and think of him...............STOP..............then I see something on TV that I want to share with him...................STOP.......................then someone will say something to me about something and I think what would he think.................STOP............................someone will show interest in me and I compare them to him....................STOP...................I will be close to falling asleep, not even thinking about anything to do with him and suddenly he is there................its like a constant battle between my heart and my head!
I have had dreams where I am living with him in a house I have never seen - doing mundane things! On a camping trip where we got lost in the woods and we ended up laughing at ourselves! Sitting having coffee in the morning and reading on a patio I have never seen! Having dumb arguments where we realize how trivial the argument is and one of us will crack up! Now - why in the hell am I having dreams of this nature? It is pissing me off!!!
My head will say "he is not interested" and my heart will say "that's bullshit"! My heart says "there is a reason for why I feel this way and that we are connected whether we like it or not" and my head says "that's your grandiose ideas"! My head says "get over it already" and my heart says "never"! My head picks out all of his faults and my heart list all of his great attributes!
Now I know he has moved on and doesn't think about me in that capacity - he is dating other folks, etc., and I think "cool - maybe this will convince me" and it doesn't - my heart will say things like "he just hasn't realized yet" and my head says "no - you just believe in this love shit"! My heart says "there is a reason why you feel the way you do about him" and my head responds "Yeah - your a glutton for punishment"!
I have always been very objective about myself and other folks and quite logical about love! I feel that you have develop a solid foundation and friendship with someone for love to last! He is the opposite in some respects. For example, he has fallen for folks real fast and it can burn real bright and then go out! I take a long time to fall in love with someone and once I am there - my heart takes no prisoners! He is either your friend or your lover - and never should the two meet! Is is possible that subconsciously I think he has it all wrong and I am waiting for him to catch up?!?
He has done nothing to help these feelings along......he has been a good friend and has been honest...............Do you realize how foolish I feel? How much my pride has suffered because I know he knows?
The good part of this is that I am not taking his lack of interest personally! I know I am trying to be a good person. I know I am honest, loving, compassionate, caring, attractive, a good listener, have a wide range of interests, etc. I am outgoing, have a good sense of humor, have integrity, etc. I have my faults and I am very upfront and honest about them. I do not play games, tell you exactly how I feel and I can apologize when I know I am wrong! Is it possible that in my heart and my head I know "I would be the best thing that ever happened to him"?!? And him me??!? Is it that in my gut I know "We would be absolutely dynamic together"?!? Will it take an act of god for one or the both of us to "wake up" and "smell the coffee"!? Is this happening to me in preparation for something yet to happen or come in my life?!?
There has to be some reason why these feelings are not going away! I am waiting for my heart and my head to get on the same wave length - hurry up already!
I have been struggling with intense feelings for someone and while I thought it would get better over time, it doesn't seem to be! I have no idea why I am feeling the way I am feeling for this person...............I am pissed and angry with myself. I ask God to show me why I feel the way I do...........What is the purpose?
I know it is not reciprocated and I have reminded myself of that a thousand times!!! I think about him 100 times a day and get so angry with myself when I realize what I am thinking! The first thing I think about in the morning is him.........STOP..........then I go outside and see a beautiful sunrise and think of him...............STOP..............then I see something on TV that I want to share with him...................STOP.......................then someone will say something to me about something and I think what would he think.................STOP............................someone will show interest in me and I compare them to him....................STOP...................I will be close to falling asleep, not even thinking about anything to do with him and suddenly he is there................its like a constant battle between my heart and my head!
I have had dreams where I am living with him in a house I have never seen - doing mundane things! On a camping trip where we got lost in the woods and we ended up laughing at ourselves! Sitting having coffee in the morning and reading on a patio I have never seen! Having dumb arguments where we realize how trivial the argument is and one of us will crack up! Now - why in the hell am I having dreams of this nature? It is pissing me off!!!
My head will say "he is not interested" and my heart will say "that's bullshit"! My heart says "there is a reason for why I feel this way and that we are connected whether we like it or not" and my head says "that's your grandiose ideas"! My head says "get over it already" and my heart says "never"! My head picks out all of his faults and my heart list all of his great attributes!
Now I know he has moved on and doesn't think about me in that capacity - he is dating other folks, etc., and I think "cool - maybe this will convince me" and it doesn't - my heart will say things like "he just hasn't realized yet" and my head says "no - you just believe in this love shit"! My heart says "there is a reason why you feel the way you do about him" and my head responds "Yeah - your a glutton for punishment"!
I have always been very objective about myself and other folks and quite logical about love! I feel that you have develop a solid foundation and friendship with someone for love to last! He is the opposite in some respects. For example, he has fallen for folks real fast and it can burn real bright and then go out! I take a long time to fall in love with someone and once I am there - my heart takes no prisoners! He is either your friend or your lover - and never should the two meet! Is is possible that subconsciously I think he has it all wrong and I am waiting for him to catch up?!?
He has done nothing to help these feelings along......he has been a good friend and has been honest...............Do you realize how foolish I feel? How much my pride has suffered because I know he knows?
The good part of this is that I am not taking his lack of interest personally! I know I am trying to be a good person. I know I am honest, loving, compassionate, caring, attractive, a good listener, have a wide range of interests, etc. I am outgoing, have a good sense of humor, have integrity, etc. I have my faults and I am very upfront and honest about them. I do not play games, tell you exactly how I feel and I can apologize when I know I am wrong! Is it possible that in my heart and my head I know "I would be the best thing that ever happened to him"?!? And him me??!? Is it that in my gut I know "We would be absolutely dynamic together"?!? Will it take an act of god for one or the both of us to "wake up" and "smell the coffee"!? Is this happening to me in preparation for something yet to happen or come in my life?!?
There has to be some reason why these feelings are not going away! I am waiting for my heart and my head to get on the same wave length - hurry up already!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I knew it would happen.................
Hey Folks! Well, after rereading my last post, I don't know why it surprises me that I am on the down side of everything I wrote. It is funny how life seems to ebb and flow and sometimes we are on top of the world and sometimes on the bottom. The beauty in it all is I am stronger for it, I can be alone and not just survive, but flourish, I know that this down time will only last a season.
Even though my heart is broken and I am hurting right now, it will heal, get better, and rejoice at some point. Even though I have a lump in my throat right now, I can still swallow. I know I can be and am a good friend to people. I know I can truly care romantically after many years of not thinking I could feel that way about anyone again. Unfortunately, the feelings were not and are not reciprocated, however, how I know it is real is because I still want whats best for him and only want his happiness. While I know I could be happy with him and make him happy romantically, that doesn't stop me from being objective and stepping aside for whatever it is he feels he needs, wants, or pursues, in the name of love. I truly only wish him the best and will continue to push aside those stronger feelings to be his good friend!
I am on this mountain all alone for the most part. I took Roxy out for a walk today and we frolicked in the 60 degree temperatures for about an hour! The birds were all singing, the trees are starting to bud, the sun was shining, and a warm breeze was blowing. Spring is pushing our way and not a moment too soon.
I have adopted a stray cat and she is so feral and timid. I saw her out here one night last week and put a can of tuna and a bowl of milk out for her. She waited until I disappeared before even coming onto the porch to eat. I went to the store and purchased some cans of cat food and the other night, after 5 days of playing cat and mouse with her (no pun intended), I went out to call her and she was sitting 5 feet from me on the porch. She is now letting me watch her eat! Tonight, I realized why I feel such a kinship with her. She is alone in her life also!
This evening I watched the Oscars and experienced the first thunderstorm of the year. I stood out on the porch and watched the rain come down while the lightning flashed and the thunder boomed across the mountain. Perhaps that is what has me in a melancholy mood.
Anyway, I think I am going into Columbus this week sometime. I have to get my license renewed and my tags. Obviously they are late getting done for a number of reasons. West Virginia requires an arm and a leg and your firstborn to get your tags and license here. Since I am still using my arms and legs and no chance of having a first born, I decided to get them renewed in Ohio and then work on getting all of the material I need to get them switched here at a later date.
"nough" said.............
Even though my heart is broken and I am hurting right now, it will heal, get better, and rejoice at some point. Even though I have a lump in my throat right now, I can still swallow. I know I can be and am a good friend to people. I know I can truly care romantically after many years of not thinking I could feel that way about anyone again. Unfortunately, the feelings were not and are not reciprocated, however, how I know it is real is because I still want whats best for him and only want his happiness. While I know I could be happy with him and make him happy romantically, that doesn't stop me from being objective and stepping aside for whatever it is he feels he needs, wants, or pursues, in the name of love. I truly only wish him the best and will continue to push aside those stronger feelings to be his good friend!
I am on this mountain all alone for the most part. I took Roxy out for a walk today and we frolicked in the 60 degree temperatures for about an hour! The birds were all singing, the trees are starting to bud, the sun was shining, and a warm breeze was blowing. Spring is pushing our way and not a moment too soon.
I have adopted a stray cat and she is so feral and timid. I saw her out here one night last week and put a can of tuna and a bowl of milk out for her. She waited until I disappeared before even coming onto the porch to eat. I went to the store and purchased some cans of cat food and the other night, after 5 days of playing cat and mouse with her (no pun intended), I went out to call her and she was sitting 5 feet from me on the porch. She is now letting me watch her eat! Tonight, I realized why I feel such a kinship with her. She is alone in her life also!
This evening I watched the Oscars and experienced the first thunderstorm of the year. I stood out on the porch and watched the rain come down while the lightning flashed and the thunder boomed across the mountain. Perhaps that is what has me in a melancholy mood.
Anyway, I think I am going into Columbus this week sometime. I have to get my license renewed and my tags. Obviously they are late getting done for a number of reasons. West Virginia requires an arm and a leg and your firstborn to get your tags and license here. Since I am still using my arms and legs and no chance of having a first born, I decided to get them renewed in Ohio and then work on getting all of the material I need to get them switched here at a later date.
"nough" said.............
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants.............
Well folks, it is Valentine's Day............................I have been up since about 3:30 a.m. and I feel so good. I went and switched clothes out of the Washer into the Dryer and caught up on my friend David's blog. I then played some Yahtzee online and read some more of this great book I am reading. I have been reading non stop, it seems. Everything I pick up to read, from religious to documentary, to fiction, seems to have a message for me and seems to reach my inner being. I will cover all that later.....
Right now I want to talk about Valentines and possible love........After reading David's blog, I had an overwhelming feeling of pride for him. He has come a long way in just the little bit of time I have known him. He has raised several thought provoking points for me where it comes to the subject of relationships, love, etc.
He mentioned that it has been transitional for him in many aspects and that he is set in his ways. That brought a much needed laugh to me. It had me thinking about myself and my love life and/or lack thereof and the reasons why, etc.
I don't really have the issues that he stated in his blog. I am also set in my ways for sure, but, I am very low maintenance when it comes to how I am. I do not care if someone leaves the toilet bowl open - I have hands I can shut it - lol I do not care about what side of the bed I am on, just who I share it with - lol As far as my "progrums", I can watch anything - lol Seriously, I love that David has these certain things he likes, dislikes, etc., and I know he was only half serious, but I really am not set in my ways when it comes to most things. As my friend, Michele, put it ever so eloquently, I have always been a free spirit.
I love people, interaction, fixing emotional distress, etc. I am a care-giver in trying to make folks comfortable. I am that way romantically also. My issue has been that I tend to be with folks who take that for granted. These last years that I have been single, I have been very down on myself for not being attractive to anyone and have realized that this alone was the major reason for being single. How you feel about yourself on the inside can be seen by people and If I think I am unattractive, then that's what others will see also. David once told me something that struck me and stayed with me once while I was picking myself apart and I will never forget it. He stated in his response to my blog "the only thing that makes you a 6 out of 10 instead of the 9.25 that you are, is your belief that your only a 6". How right he is!!!!
I am loving who I am more and more as I mature! I am very content in being single and have no problem being by myself. Hell - I am isolated on this mountain a lot and not a lot of folks could do that. I take pride in that fact alone. I have not had but one couple up here that I truly call my hero's as in they have been together for 20 years and are still very much in love! Most of the couples I experience have major issues, fight, are co-dependent, have an "open" relationship, etc. None of that is worth it to me! I will not settle for just anyone and more and more feel that I have so much to offer someone romantically.
Its like I woke up this morning with such clarification about myself, that it made me feel good about life. I don't know where I will go with my current situation. I could do this kind of work for the rest of my life and I could save up money, pay off bills, and have a good nest egg going in a few years, that I could move to any major metropolitan city or the beach, or buy a nice piece of land that is away from everyone, yet close enough for those times when I want to mingle. I love my solitude, I love people, I love nature and the small things in life. I am happy with a hand-picked bouquet of flowers (thanks David for making me realize that), a hug, laughter, sitting quietly, reading a book, riding around in the car with no destination in mind listening to all kinds of music, rollerblading (I have a great set that I haven't used in forever) fishing without any need to catch anything, dancing when the time is right, having a few cocktails now and again, etc.
What does the above have to do with love? Well, it means that I am ripe to find it while keeping myself fresh enough to allow it to happen. If I do meet someone in my line of work, it means I can pick up and be with them wherever that may be. It means that I really could spend the next few years single while I build my nest-egg or I could date someone in my current situation while we both save up enough money to pay off our bills, etc., and work towards our goal of being together in a living situation that would be conducive to both our lifestyles. Relationships do take sacrifice and as long as it is not giving away a huge piece of who you are, it can be healthy to have a fresh perspective, work towards a goal with someone, and truly care about each other. Distance is not an issue for me as it can be healthy for both parties, we have the phone, the Internet, days off, cars, etc. Technology has truly made it easier to be with someone. It also requires give and take! My leaving the mountain for a few days each week to travel to my sweety is not out of the question, as long as he feels the same. There is the key folks, meeting that person that you want to be with and them feeling the same way for you - come hell or high water!!!! You work it out, you stand up and be a man, you know that your relationship is a luxury and your together because you want to be! That's the way I am and I won't settle for less. Is it impossible? Absolutely Not! I know it in my heart!
As for sex, sure we have our needs. I could have sex 4 times a day in some cases! People are so hung up on roles and positions, that I have to laugh out loud sometimes! I have been asked if I am a top? a bottom? etc. People have even assumed I am a bottom. That makes assumptions about me which I find hysterical! I am so much more of a man then anyone really knows. I am a man in the courage that I have shown in the face of adversity, the fact that I stand up for what I believe in, that I treat people with respect, not afraid to show my emotions, etc., which is more then one can say about a number of folks - Gay or Straight! If I had to label my sexual position, I am a complete oral addict! LOL I love to provide it more then receive and totally get off on the other person's pleasure. I have been a top in 95% of my past relationships or experiences, but have been wanting to bottom very badly! I have not bottomed in over 20 years so it will take someone with patience and gentleness. Lol My thoughts on anal sex is that it is not something to enter in for a casual encounter. I will only explore that aspect of sex with someone that I intend to be with indefinitely!
So we have covered everything pretty much. In conclusion, I am still single, still working at a job I currently love, still wanting to be with a special person, still hopeful it will happen, feeling much more better about myself these days, and willing to make sacrifices without sacrificing myself for someone special!
Happy Valentines to those few couples that still have that fire burning after all the years!
Happy Valentines to those folks who are in a relationship and are not happy. May you find the courage to move forward on your own and find true love.
Happy Valentines to those folks who are consumed with being loved and are miserable because they haven't found it! May you find the inner peace and love yourself more and more!
I have been some of the above type person, and at times, probably still can be, but today I love myself and have so much for which to be thankful.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ME!!!!!!
Right now I want to talk about Valentines and possible love........After reading David's blog, I had an overwhelming feeling of pride for him. He has come a long way in just the little bit of time I have known him. He has raised several thought provoking points for me where it comes to the subject of relationships, love, etc.
He mentioned that it has been transitional for him in many aspects and that he is set in his ways. That brought a much needed laugh to me. It had me thinking about myself and my love life and/or lack thereof and the reasons why, etc.
I don't really have the issues that he stated in his blog. I am also set in my ways for sure, but, I am very low maintenance when it comes to how I am. I do not care if someone leaves the toilet bowl open - I have hands I can shut it - lol I do not care about what side of the bed I am on, just who I share it with - lol As far as my "progrums", I can watch anything - lol Seriously, I love that David has these certain things he likes, dislikes, etc., and I know he was only half serious, but I really am not set in my ways when it comes to most things. As my friend, Michele, put it ever so eloquently, I have always been a free spirit.
I love people, interaction, fixing emotional distress, etc. I am a care-giver in trying to make folks comfortable. I am that way romantically also. My issue has been that I tend to be with folks who take that for granted. These last years that I have been single, I have been very down on myself for not being attractive to anyone and have realized that this alone was the major reason for being single. How you feel about yourself on the inside can be seen by people and If I think I am unattractive, then that's what others will see also. David once told me something that struck me and stayed with me once while I was picking myself apart and I will never forget it. He stated in his response to my blog "the only thing that makes you a 6 out of 10 instead of the 9.25 that you are, is your belief that your only a 6". How right he is!!!!
I am loving who I am more and more as I mature! I am very content in being single and have no problem being by myself. Hell - I am isolated on this mountain a lot and not a lot of folks could do that. I take pride in that fact alone. I have not had but one couple up here that I truly call my hero's as in they have been together for 20 years and are still very much in love! Most of the couples I experience have major issues, fight, are co-dependent, have an "open" relationship, etc. None of that is worth it to me! I will not settle for just anyone and more and more feel that I have so much to offer someone romantically.
Its like I woke up this morning with such clarification about myself, that it made me feel good about life. I don't know where I will go with my current situation. I could do this kind of work for the rest of my life and I could save up money, pay off bills, and have a good nest egg going in a few years, that I could move to any major metropolitan city or the beach, or buy a nice piece of land that is away from everyone, yet close enough for those times when I want to mingle. I love my solitude, I love people, I love nature and the small things in life. I am happy with a hand-picked bouquet of flowers (thanks David for making me realize that), a hug, laughter, sitting quietly, reading a book, riding around in the car with no destination in mind listening to all kinds of music, rollerblading (I have a great set that I haven't used in forever) fishing without any need to catch anything, dancing when the time is right, having a few cocktails now and again, etc.
What does the above have to do with love? Well, it means that I am ripe to find it while keeping myself fresh enough to allow it to happen. If I do meet someone in my line of work, it means I can pick up and be with them wherever that may be. It means that I really could spend the next few years single while I build my nest-egg or I could date someone in my current situation while we both save up enough money to pay off our bills, etc., and work towards our goal of being together in a living situation that would be conducive to both our lifestyles. Relationships do take sacrifice and as long as it is not giving away a huge piece of who you are, it can be healthy to have a fresh perspective, work towards a goal with someone, and truly care about each other. Distance is not an issue for me as it can be healthy for both parties, we have the phone, the Internet, days off, cars, etc. Technology has truly made it easier to be with someone. It also requires give and take! My leaving the mountain for a few days each week to travel to my sweety is not out of the question, as long as he feels the same. There is the key folks, meeting that person that you want to be with and them feeling the same way for you - come hell or high water!!!! You work it out, you stand up and be a man, you know that your relationship is a luxury and your together because you want to be! That's the way I am and I won't settle for less. Is it impossible? Absolutely Not! I know it in my heart!
As for sex, sure we have our needs. I could have sex 4 times a day in some cases! People are so hung up on roles and positions, that I have to laugh out loud sometimes! I have been asked if I am a top? a bottom? etc. People have even assumed I am a bottom. That makes assumptions about me which I find hysterical! I am so much more of a man then anyone really knows. I am a man in the courage that I have shown in the face of adversity, the fact that I stand up for what I believe in, that I treat people with respect, not afraid to show my emotions, etc., which is more then one can say about a number of folks - Gay or Straight! If I had to label my sexual position, I am a complete oral addict! LOL I love to provide it more then receive and totally get off on the other person's pleasure. I have been a top in 95% of my past relationships or experiences, but have been wanting to bottom very badly! I have not bottomed in over 20 years so it will take someone with patience and gentleness. Lol My thoughts on anal sex is that it is not something to enter in for a casual encounter. I will only explore that aspect of sex with someone that I intend to be with indefinitely!
So we have covered everything pretty much. In conclusion, I am still single, still working at a job I currently love, still wanting to be with a special person, still hopeful it will happen, feeling much more better about myself these days, and willing to make sacrifices without sacrificing myself for someone special!
Happy Valentines to those few couples that still have that fire burning after all the years!
Happy Valentines to those folks who are in a relationship and are not happy. May you find the courage to move forward on your own and find true love.
Happy Valentines to those folks who are consumed with being loved and are miserable because they haven't found it! May you find the inner peace and love yourself more and more!
I have been some of the above type person, and at times, probably still can be, but today I love myself and have so much for which to be thankful.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ME!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Music............
The following song has been in my head for some reason all week - - - - I have no idea why as I have not heard it for years! Thinking if I get it out in black and white, I can stop playing it in my head - LOL
The Search Is Over
By: Survivor
How can I convince you, what you see is real
Who am I to blame you, for doubting what you feel
I was always reachin, you were just a guy I knew
I took for granted the friend I have in you
I was living for a dream, Lovin for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while
Can we last forever, will we fall apart
At times its so confusing, the questions of the heart
You followed me through changes, and patiently you'd wait
Til I came to my senses through some miracle of fate
I was living for a dream, loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while
Now the miles stretch out behind me
Loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victim of the game
Then good luck it finally struck
Like lightning from the blue
Every highway leading me back to you
Now at last I hold you, now all is said and done
The search has come full circle
Our destinies are one
So if you ever loved me
Show me that you give a damn
You'll know for certain
the man I really am
I was living for a dream, loving for the moment
Taking our love away, that was just my style
Then I touched your hand, I could hear you whisper
The search is over, love was right before my eyes
Maybe it is the poignancy of the lyric that is drawing me! Whatever it is - it is a beautiful song with such a positive ending - one of my faves!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Books.....Glorius Books
My entire life I could not get enough books and that has not changed. All of my life I have been an avid reader and my favorite author is Dean Koontz. I have almost all, if not, all of his books in hard cover. He romanticizes the supernatural in the sense that there is always a hero and heroine and good always wins out in the end.
The latest book of his called "What The Night Knows" was no exception. It was about a man who as a teenager snuck out to meet his then girlfriend, only to return to his house in the middle of his family being slaughtered. He walked in after his parents were murdered and one sister and just after the murderer was finishing with his other sister. The murderer was a serial killer who had terrorized and murdered 3 families before this character's family. The main character ended up killing the murderer who in his last breathe promised he would return to wreak havoc when he was grown and had his own family.
Some 20 years later, the main character is a police detective and married with a 13 year old son, 11 year old daughter and a 6 year old daughter. A teenage boy has killed his entire family and is placed in a psychiatric ward. Some of the patterns of the killing remind the main character of the patterns this other used back when his family was killed.
Suddenly the boy becomes catatonic and another family killing happens matching the same pattern with the boy locked up still. The boy suddenly dies and the other family that was killed by another member of their family. This leads the main character to do some research and searching and finds that his family is targeted to be the 4th family once again.
As it turns out, the original mad man had come back from the dead in spirit only and is able to enter the bodies of only certain people who have weak personalities and/or have committed atrocities in their lives, thus making them an easy possession. The number of folks involved in placing the main character's family in jeopardy escalates as does the novel in quite surprising ways.
Now I have written the above after reading the novel and have made it sound so predictable, but it is everything but. There are a bunch of details that I have left out, needless to say, it kept me turning the pages at a fast pace! This novel grips you from the start and does not let go even after you finish the book. Suffice it to say, the family survived and are more in tact then before they went through this nightmare together.
I enjoyed it for a number of reasons, but, I think the majority of the reasoning is because life can throw some huge curve balls in your path. With diligence and determination, as well as, a belief that goodness wins out in the end, you can overcome any obstacles! I do believe that strength of spirit is important from a karma perspective also. I believe we are our own worse enemies as it turned out this character realized this and was able to stop the madness. Also, you truly do reap what you sow and should concentrate on your strengths and your needs which is something I am just trying to do. Being Self-Centered versus Self-Appreciating is total opposites and the differences can be blurred. If you don't appreciate yourself - no one else will!
It was almost like I needed to read this book........................
The latest book of his called "What The Night Knows" was no exception. It was about a man who as a teenager snuck out to meet his then girlfriend, only to return to his house in the middle of his family being slaughtered. He walked in after his parents were murdered and one sister and just after the murderer was finishing with his other sister. The murderer was a serial killer who had terrorized and murdered 3 families before this character's family. The main character ended up killing the murderer who in his last breathe promised he would return to wreak havoc when he was grown and had his own family.
Some 20 years later, the main character is a police detective and married with a 13 year old son, 11 year old daughter and a 6 year old daughter. A teenage boy has killed his entire family and is placed in a psychiatric ward. Some of the patterns of the killing remind the main character of the patterns this other used back when his family was killed.
Suddenly the boy becomes catatonic and another family killing happens matching the same pattern with the boy locked up still. The boy suddenly dies and the other family that was killed by another member of their family. This leads the main character to do some research and searching and finds that his family is targeted to be the 4th family once again.
As it turns out, the original mad man had come back from the dead in spirit only and is able to enter the bodies of only certain people who have weak personalities and/or have committed atrocities in their lives, thus making them an easy possession. The number of folks involved in placing the main character's family in jeopardy escalates as does the novel in quite surprising ways.
Now I have written the above after reading the novel and have made it sound so predictable, but it is everything but. There are a bunch of details that I have left out, needless to say, it kept me turning the pages at a fast pace! This novel grips you from the start and does not let go even after you finish the book. Suffice it to say, the family survived and are more in tact then before they went through this nightmare together.
I enjoyed it for a number of reasons, but, I think the majority of the reasoning is because life can throw some huge curve balls in your path. With diligence and determination, as well as, a belief that goodness wins out in the end, you can overcome any obstacles! I do believe that strength of spirit is important from a karma perspective also. I believe we are our own worse enemies as it turned out this character realized this and was able to stop the madness. Also, you truly do reap what you sow and should concentrate on your strengths and your needs which is something I am just trying to do. Being Self-Centered versus Self-Appreciating is total opposites and the differences can be blurred. If you don't appreciate yourself - no one else will!
It was almost like I needed to read this book........................
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Today's Update......
Well - I had a great day overall! I awoke this morning and updated my blog and had a healthy breakfast. The snow fell pretty much all night and has accumulated about 8 inches. Along with the wind, we now have drifts of, at least, 5 feet. Troy worked pretty much all morning on clearing the roads and Matt says the road down the mountain was barely passable!
I took a Tylenol and layed down as my Sciatic nerve is acting up, only to be awakened by Troy hollering for me. He stated he needed to talk to me. I guess he and Matt got into an argument and Matt was packing to leave. I tried to calm him down and give him some honest feedback, when Matt came in to check the Ham and Beans he had cooking in the crock pot.
Well, they got into it again, screaming and hollering at each other, at which point, I made a hasty exit to the porch. I smoked a cigarette (how the hell do ya quit in this environment? Excuses/Excuses) until Matt stormed out. He asked me to handle everything as he had to get off the mountain. I told him to be careful and call me the minute he was safe.
I then proceeded to listen to Troy talk about the relationship and what he should do, etc. etc. etc. I tried my best to be objective and give him some positive feedback when it comes to Matty. I am not going to be caught in the middle of it and take sides with either one of them. I explained this to him and stated that my input was only my outside objective opinion.
Once Troy decided to go to the house, I spoke with David and we had a good conversation about his possibly working here this summer. I was also able to unload some of my resentment and blame for always being the one to put myself out for other people. Also, realizing I am to blame and the fine line I will have to walk to change it. I cannot and will not change who I am and become a mean person, but, I will not put myself out on a regular basis no longer.
Once David and I hung up, Troy came back in and wanted to discuss more. He looked like a lost puppy, but, I did not put myself on hold for this go round. Based on what I am trying to do within myself, I told him I was taking a shower and to just relax and watch TV to try and take his mind off things, If only for a while. While I was brushing my teeth, he hollered through the door that he was going back to the house and to have a good evening. I responded OK and he knew where I was if he needed me. I then took a nice long shower and said my prayers to center myself. I cleaned my room and checked the Ham and Beans. I decided to have a bowl and ended having 2 while I watched a rerun of "Everyone Loves Raymond". This is one of those nights when its probably good I do not have a partner after eating a ton of beans!!!
I then spoke to one of my ex-employees with whom I have developed a friendship. Her husband is dying of bone Cancer and she had sent me a message to call her. It seems he is not doing very well. His feet have developed a circulation issue due to the growth of the cancer. They now have a hospital bed in their living room as he cannot sleep laying down anymore. He is on Morphine and Deloten (sp) and Hospice is there 3 times a week. Barb had to go make his funeral arrangements this week and thankfully the bank is allowing her to work from home. I feel so very bad for her and it certainly puts my problems aside if only for awhile. Things could always be better - but they could always be worse!
I just was on facebook and one of the previous guests here IM'ed me to say hi. He visited here with a friend of his and he and I had a good time dancing to some old depeche mode, etc.. Anyway, he just told me that he thought I was totally hot and if things were different, he would love to get to know me better! Ya see, he is off to Japan for a teaching - Peace Corp gig on the 1st of March. It made me feel very good, but, also made me realize that I really do not give myself enough credit. I know I have alot to offer someone, but, the most important thing right now - is what I can offer myself! I need to be my own best friend because only then will I meet the best friend that I can be partners and soul mates with also.
I took a Tylenol and layed down as my Sciatic nerve is acting up, only to be awakened by Troy hollering for me. He stated he needed to talk to me. I guess he and Matt got into an argument and Matt was packing to leave. I tried to calm him down and give him some honest feedback, when Matt came in to check the Ham and Beans he had cooking in the crock pot.
Well, they got into it again, screaming and hollering at each other, at which point, I made a hasty exit to the porch. I smoked a cigarette (how the hell do ya quit in this environment? Excuses/Excuses) until Matt stormed out. He asked me to handle everything as he had to get off the mountain. I told him to be careful and call me the minute he was safe.
I then proceeded to listen to Troy talk about the relationship and what he should do, etc. etc. etc. I tried my best to be objective and give him some positive feedback when it comes to Matty. I am not going to be caught in the middle of it and take sides with either one of them. I explained this to him and stated that my input was only my outside objective opinion.
Once Troy decided to go to the house, I spoke with David and we had a good conversation about his possibly working here this summer. I was also able to unload some of my resentment and blame for always being the one to put myself out for other people. Also, realizing I am to blame and the fine line I will have to walk to change it. I cannot and will not change who I am and become a mean person, but, I will not put myself out on a regular basis no longer.
Once David and I hung up, Troy came back in and wanted to discuss more. He looked like a lost puppy, but, I did not put myself on hold for this go round. Based on what I am trying to do within myself, I told him I was taking a shower and to just relax and watch TV to try and take his mind off things, If only for a while. While I was brushing my teeth, he hollered through the door that he was going back to the house and to have a good evening. I responded OK and he knew where I was if he needed me. I then took a nice long shower and said my prayers to center myself. I cleaned my room and checked the Ham and Beans. I decided to have a bowl and ended having 2 while I watched a rerun of "Everyone Loves Raymond". This is one of those nights when its probably good I do not have a partner after eating a ton of beans!!!
I then spoke to one of my ex-employees with whom I have developed a friendship. Her husband is dying of bone Cancer and she had sent me a message to call her. It seems he is not doing very well. His feet have developed a circulation issue due to the growth of the cancer. They now have a hospital bed in their living room as he cannot sleep laying down anymore. He is on Morphine and Deloten (sp) and Hospice is there 3 times a week. Barb had to go make his funeral arrangements this week and thankfully the bank is allowing her to work from home. I feel so very bad for her and it certainly puts my problems aside if only for awhile. Things could always be better - but they could always be worse!
I just was on facebook and one of the previous guests here IM'ed me to say hi. He visited here with a friend of his and he and I had a good time dancing to some old depeche mode, etc.. Anyway, he just told me that he thought I was totally hot and if things were different, he would love to get to know me better! Ya see, he is off to Japan for a teaching - Peace Corp gig on the 1st of March. It made me feel very good, but, also made me realize that I really do not give myself enough credit. I know I have alot to offer someone, but, the most important thing right now - is what I can offer myself! I need to be my own best friend because only then will I meet the best friend that I can be partners and soul mates with also.
Things on my mind...............Time to Be True To Myself
*I have written 2 other entries today before this about music****
In my constant dissection and reflection of myself, I have realized that I hold back my true feelings on subjects, afraid of what other folks will think. Also, I have realized that no one has ever asked for my opinions on certain subjects either because they do not care about my thoughts or because I do not readily give them.
If I am honest, I tend to keep a smile on my face and be more interested in other folks and ask them about themselves, learn about them, and not even consider what I have to offer on any subject. This is my attempt to think more about myself and be proud of who I am and my feelings and opinions.
Over the next several entries, I plan on giving my opinion on the following topics:
Books
Religion/Spirituality
Politics
Love
Watch out world - here I come!!!! =)
In my constant dissection and reflection of myself, I have realized that I hold back my true feelings on subjects, afraid of what other folks will think. Also, I have realized that no one has ever asked for my opinions on certain subjects either because they do not care about my thoughts or because I do not readily give them.
If I am honest, I tend to keep a smile on my face and be more interested in other folks and ask them about themselves, learn about them, and not even consider what I have to offer on any subject. This is my attempt to think more about myself and be proud of who I am and my feelings and opinions.
Over the next several entries, I plan on giving my opinion on the following topics:
Books
Religion/Spirituality
Politics
Love
Watch out world - here I come!!!! =)
This morning Song of the Day...............Escapade
Well, this morning I woke up with Janet Jackson's Escapade on my mind!
I actually had a dream where I was actually talking with Janet Jackson about her music and how I liked this song.
I actually had a dream where I was actually talking with Janet Jackson about her music and how I liked this song.
Bellow are a few of the lyrics:
"Escapade"
As I was walkin by
Saw you standing there
With a Smile
Lookin Shy
You caught my eye
Thought you'd want to hang
For A while
Well I would like to be with you
And you know its Friday too
Hope you can find the time
This weekend to relax and unwind
Kind of an upbeat song and may just be a cue for me to let go of the worry if only for a while!
Music..........Every Morning
I wake up almost every morning with a new tune playing in my head.....I don't know if its gods way of trying to tell me something or a filling in a tooth that tunes in over night when I am sleeping. Yesterday Morning it was "Cowboy Cassanova" by Carrie Underwood. The words to the tune below describe guys I have a tendency to run into and/or develop feelings for. Yet another thing I need to mentally dissect and process about myself. Perhaps I subconsciously am attracted to guys who know they are good looking and have alot of hearts they collect.
A few lines of the lyrics that stuck in my head are below:
You better take it from me
The guy is like a disease
Your running, your tired, your trying to hide
Your wondering why you can't get free
He is like a curse, he is like a drug
You get addicted to his love
My good friend Michele from Columbus asked me to go with her to Carrie's concert last April and when she did this song, she announced that they were going to record this for her video for the song - we are in the audience so I thought it was kinda cool. To have this song be in my head when I awoke yesterday after all this time had me thinking that life could be an intricate woven cloth that we create as we live it - how beautiful the finished product could be if we live our lives to the best of our abilities and learn from our mistakes even through music!
A few lines of the lyrics that stuck in my head are below:
You better take it from me
The guy is like a disease
Your running, your tired, your trying to hide
Your wondering why you can't get free
He is like a curse, he is like a drug
You get addicted to his love
My good friend Michele from Columbus asked me to go with her to Carrie's concert last April and when she did this song, she announced that they were going to record this for her video for the song - we are in the audience so I thought it was kinda cool. To have this song be in my head when I awoke yesterday after all this time had me thinking that life could be an intricate woven cloth that we create as we live it - how beautiful the finished product could be if we live our lives to the best of our abilities and learn from our mistakes even through music!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Another Day - - - - - - I Survived
Well - The day started much like it ended, with me overwhelmed and down in the dumps! My friend David called me concerning last night's post and initially was very pissed that I wrote some of the things that I did. He explained that it scared him and we ended up talking about all of the shit that, surprise-surprise, is basically within me. He hit on a nerve when he said that once I know I deserve better and expect better, things will get better. I am thinking he has a good point. Maybe, because I grew up always having my dreams dashed and being pushed aside and overlooked, that I expect that to be the way it is now. Because I expect it, I am making it come to pass! Now its going to be a long process to get to deserving happiness, demanding more for me from people, and giving myself the much needed break that we discussed. He made me see that I will have to concentrate on the basics for awhile of getting through the day and taking care of myself and Roxy and forget the other shit until I am more able to handle it. I am not sure how I will do with it, but, it is a start and cannot hurt to try and get myself through this. I am so glad he took the time to call me and give me hell like only David can do! LOL
Once that conversation was over, I made myself make Tuna Salad and had lunch. I had a tremendous headache, so I took some Tylenol and laid down for a few hours. Once I got up, I showered and got ready and went over to the store. I accomplished so much and worked until about 10 p.m. Sometimes work does take you away from your own problems. I am doing laundry as I type this and plan on getting a good nights sleep, getting up early and finishing laundry, give Rox a bath, clean my room for the million(Th) time, and get ready to leave here around noon. David has sent me money for my trip to Columbus. He does not realize how very generous that was of him or how grateful I am for it. He could never know how much his friendship means to me! I truly think that he is the only person who knows what I am going through or even cares at this point, because he has been there himself and in some respects still is.
I spoke to my sister this evening and I think she is so excited about my visit. Of course, she insisted I tell when I would be at her house, what I wanted to eat, how long I could stay, etc., and I felt like I was being drawn back into the mentality of worrying over the little shit - that is my family! I know I will get through it if I use my sense of humor and keep in my mind it is only a weekend. It is currently snowing and we have about an inch. I am hoping that it lets up and I have no issues traveling to Columbus tomorrow. I think it will be healthy for me to see my family and friends in Columbus. My good friend Michele is having her 50Th Birthday party and she tells me everyone is asking about me. There is a big group of friends that I haven't seen in forever going and it will be great to see them.
I will probably not be able to post to my blog, as I do not have a laptop to take with me! I will definitely be posting on Sunday Night. We shall see...................
Once that conversation was over, I made myself make Tuna Salad and had lunch. I had a tremendous headache, so I took some Tylenol and laid down for a few hours. Once I got up, I showered and got ready and went over to the store. I accomplished so much and worked until about 10 p.m. Sometimes work does take you away from your own problems. I am doing laundry as I type this and plan on getting a good nights sleep, getting up early and finishing laundry, give Rox a bath, clean my room for the million(Th) time, and get ready to leave here around noon. David has sent me money for my trip to Columbus. He does not realize how very generous that was of him or how grateful I am for it. He could never know how much his friendship means to me! I truly think that he is the only person who knows what I am going through or even cares at this point, because he has been there himself and in some respects still is.
I spoke to my sister this evening and I think she is so excited about my visit. Of course, she insisted I tell when I would be at her house, what I wanted to eat, how long I could stay, etc., and I felt like I was being drawn back into the mentality of worrying over the little shit - that is my family! I know I will get through it if I use my sense of humor and keep in my mind it is only a weekend. It is currently snowing and we have about an inch. I am hoping that it lets up and I have no issues traveling to Columbus tomorrow. I think it will be healthy for me to see my family and friends in Columbus. My good friend Michele is having her 50Th Birthday party and she tells me everyone is asking about me. There is a big group of friends that I haven't seen in forever going and it will be great to see them.
I will probably not be able to post to my blog, as I do not have a laptop to take with me! I will definitely be posting on Sunday Night. We shall see...................
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
A Wasteland................My Life
Well folks, two days in a row........................
Today finds me rather depressed and feeling lonely! I got up as usual and worked in the office to get things organized and caught up. I took a nap in which I had terrible nightmares or day mares as the case was. I have no energy to do anything and I think it is because I am finding everything so overwhelming! Take the below as some examples............
*My Little Gurl - Roxy! I feel like I am going to have no choice but to put her down! I am beginning to think she is in some pain and the pee-ing thing is so out of control. I spend, at least an hour and a half a day cleaning up her many accidents and trying to make sure there is no smell. Everything I have tried has failed. I tried putting a bucket of cleaner in my room to keep up on the messes and to curb the smell. My friend David stated the Ammonia smell was overwhelming, so after investigating - the cleaner has ammonia in it and mixed with her constant puddles makes it really awful. So I got rid of that and just got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the entire floor. I have air freshener out the wazoo in here. She is eating good and only gets one bowl of water a day. She is spry and happy and is playful. I feel like I am being self centered by even thinking about ending her life! She has too short of fur to put outside and I haven't the money to even take her to the vet. I haven't tried diapers but I have a feeling she would just tear them up. I am at my wits end!!! If I put her down, I am completely alone up here!
*Financially, I am struggling to make ends meet! I had to pay storage today which leaves me less then $20.00 in my account and I am supposed to go to Columbus Friday. I have to wait until the 8Th to file for West Virginia unemployment and that's not a given. Have no idea if they would even honor my claim as I only worked 5 and a half months up here. Matt has been wonderful about helping me through and I am sure he would give me a loan or advance or a loan on my upcoming salary, but I am sooo down on myself and feel like such a loser even asking. Thankfully, my friend David bought me lunch at the casino as it turns out - I would have been overdrawn!
*Socially/Romantically - I have decided there is no one for me out there and with how I am feeling, that's a good thing for any perspective romantic partners. Aside from the fact, that this world is full of pretentious, artificial, socially-inept, and sexually driven gay guys, who would want a down on your luck over the hill loser like me. I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but, sadly, it is the truth!
This is the darkest period of my life right now and I have no one to turn to. The only thing I have going for me is having a sound mind and emotional maturity. I feel so totally alone that I am passed even being able to cry about it! If I didn't think it would be the weakest thing to do and would leave my family devastated, I would take an entire bottle of Xanax and go to sleep for good! If Karma is a bitch, what did I do to deserve this???? I have tried to be a good person, take care of people, look at myself objectively and work on my faults, but it doesn't seem that it matters!!! Also, I can't give up because there is no other choice. Maybe I have to just ride it out and take one day at a time, and that is the learning experience I am supposed to learn. It is so hard though, I feel so alone and unloved and like no one gives a shit whether I live or die!
Today finds me rather depressed and feeling lonely! I got up as usual and worked in the office to get things organized and caught up. I took a nap in which I had terrible nightmares or day mares as the case was. I have no energy to do anything and I think it is because I am finding everything so overwhelming! Take the below as some examples............
*My Little Gurl - Roxy! I feel like I am going to have no choice but to put her down! I am beginning to think she is in some pain and the pee-ing thing is so out of control. I spend, at least an hour and a half a day cleaning up her many accidents and trying to make sure there is no smell. Everything I have tried has failed. I tried putting a bucket of cleaner in my room to keep up on the messes and to curb the smell. My friend David stated the Ammonia smell was overwhelming, so after investigating - the cleaner has ammonia in it and mixed with her constant puddles makes it really awful. So I got rid of that and just got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the entire floor. I have air freshener out the wazoo in here. She is eating good and only gets one bowl of water a day. She is spry and happy and is playful. I feel like I am being self centered by even thinking about ending her life! She has too short of fur to put outside and I haven't the money to even take her to the vet. I haven't tried diapers but I have a feeling she would just tear them up. I am at my wits end!!! If I put her down, I am completely alone up here!
*Financially, I am struggling to make ends meet! I had to pay storage today which leaves me less then $20.00 in my account and I am supposed to go to Columbus Friday. I have to wait until the 8Th to file for West Virginia unemployment and that's not a given. Have no idea if they would even honor my claim as I only worked 5 and a half months up here. Matt has been wonderful about helping me through and I am sure he would give me a loan or advance or a loan on my upcoming salary, but I am sooo down on myself and feel like such a loser even asking. Thankfully, my friend David bought me lunch at the casino as it turns out - I would have been overdrawn!
*Socially/Romantically - I have decided there is no one for me out there and with how I am feeling, that's a good thing for any perspective romantic partners. Aside from the fact, that this world is full of pretentious, artificial, socially-inept, and sexually driven gay guys, who would want a down on your luck over the hill loser like me. I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but, sadly, it is the truth!
This is the darkest period of my life right now and I have no one to turn to. The only thing I have going for me is having a sound mind and emotional maturity. I feel so totally alone that I am passed even being able to cry about it! If I didn't think it would be the weakest thing to do and would leave my family devastated, I would take an entire bottle of Xanax and go to sleep for good! If Karma is a bitch, what did I do to deserve this???? I have tried to be a good person, take care of people, look at myself objectively and work on my faults, but it doesn't seem that it matters!!! Also, I can't give up because there is no other choice. Maybe I have to just ride it out and take one day at a time, and that is the learning experience I am supposed to learn. It is so hard though, I feel so alone and unloved and like no one gives a shit whether I live or die!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Year - New me.......................Ya think?
Well folks, One of my resolutions for the new year was to keep blogging. I am finding it is kind of therapeutic and/or thought provoking for me. Actually, it is a way to brain dump and clear out the clutter if you will. Now with all of the self analyzing one does through this, I have found that I am quite lazy. I think about sitting down everyday to go over some of the happenings and such, and decide I am too tired or would rather play some mindless game on pogo. I guess that is my escape. But with thinking about everything that is going on in my life, I have decided that laziness is one of my faults that needs attention.
Now I don't mean physically lazy as I can work long hours doing physical labor, but I am problem lazy. I mean that I am lazy when it comes to problems I could or should handle and address. It could be financially, emotionally, physically, etc. In writing this I am finding that I am lazy when it pertains to me.
I spend so much time being there for other people, my family, my job, some of my friends, that I am finding that those things are all that keep me going. Knowing I can make a difference in other folks life, whether it is to make them laugh, listen to them talk about things that are important to them, make them more comfortable, etc.
Now in changing that one should not stop doing those things because I feel that is important to be there for people, but, one should develop a balance. If I am going to spend x amount of hours on other folks, I should spend x amount of hours on me, bills, future, keeping up on whats happening in the world, working out, quit smoking, take care of my skin better, etc.
Now I know some of these things sound like easy tasks and/or simple things, but, for me, its just doing it and not making excuses for not doing it. Also, I have found that if it is a hard or problematic thing, it is better left alone. I have realized that I have an avoidance issue along with being lazy! I need to take care of this stuff - my god - this is very hard to realize about one's self.
So below is a list of things I want to take care of and/or resolutions to be accomplished. With that said, change does not happen overnight, so I am not going to give up and they may be or will be things that take time, but I feel a renewed sense of energy and initiative to get them addressed. Its like being an alcoholic, in a sense, that you can't change or address an issue, unless you first admit you have a problem. Also, I need to practice what I preach. Today, my friend David felt like he did not hold to his resolutions because he hasn't done anything up to this point since the clock struck 12 on New Years eve. Well, I reminded him that it is still the first of the year, which means it is never too late to start! He kind of looked at me and laughed because he knew I had a point. Now I need to take that and turn it onto myself.
*Begin a cigarette diet - Keep track of how much I smoke each day and cut it down by one each day - until I have none!!! I really want to accomplish this because I am really sick of having this crutch, the smell, the costs, the damage it is doing, etc.
*Start working out daily - I am going to get on the cardio machine with the intention that I will go for as long as I can followed by some arm, chest, and leg weight training, ab exercises, and squats. I am not going to be down on myself if I don't go as long as I think I should or not work out for the mind set 20 minutes to an hour. Just do it and see where it leads.
*Pay off student loan and IRS - This will be throughout the year - but will be looked at and addressed periodically to make sure I am on target and making extra payments.
Those are the major issues I want addressed and now they are in black and white, so it will either be depressing or uplifting, but will be reminder if not anything else.
Now I don't mean physically lazy as I can work long hours doing physical labor, but I am problem lazy. I mean that I am lazy when it comes to problems I could or should handle and address. It could be financially, emotionally, physically, etc. In writing this I am finding that I am lazy when it pertains to me.
I spend so much time being there for other people, my family, my job, some of my friends, that I am finding that those things are all that keep me going. Knowing I can make a difference in other folks life, whether it is to make them laugh, listen to them talk about things that are important to them, make them more comfortable, etc.
Now in changing that one should not stop doing those things because I feel that is important to be there for people, but, one should develop a balance. If I am going to spend x amount of hours on other folks, I should spend x amount of hours on me, bills, future, keeping up on whats happening in the world, working out, quit smoking, take care of my skin better, etc.
Now I know some of these things sound like easy tasks and/or simple things, but, for me, its just doing it and not making excuses for not doing it. Also, I have found that if it is a hard or problematic thing, it is better left alone. I have realized that I have an avoidance issue along with being lazy! I need to take care of this stuff - my god - this is very hard to realize about one's self.
So below is a list of things I want to take care of and/or resolutions to be accomplished. With that said, change does not happen overnight, so I am not going to give up and they may be or will be things that take time, but I feel a renewed sense of energy and initiative to get them addressed. Its like being an alcoholic, in a sense, that you can't change or address an issue, unless you first admit you have a problem. Also, I need to practice what I preach. Today, my friend David felt like he did not hold to his resolutions because he hasn't done anything up to this point since the clock struck 12 on New Years eve. Well, I reminded him that it is still the first of the year, which means it is never too late to start! He kind of looked at me and laughed because he knew I had a point. Now I need to take that and turn it onto myself.
*Begin a cigarette diet - Keep track of how much I smoke each day and cut it down by one each day - until I have none!!! I really want to accomplish this because I am really sick of having this crutch, the smell, the costs, the damage it is doing, etc.
*Start working out daily - I am going to get on the cardio machine with the intention that I will go for as long as I can followed by some arm, chest, and leg weight training, ab exercises, and squats. I am not going to be down on myself if I don't go as long as I think I should or not work out for the mind set 20 minutes to an hour. Just do it and see where it leads.
*Pay off student loan and IRS - This will be throughout the year - but will be looked at and addressed periodically to make sure I am on target and making extra payments.
Those are the major issues I want addressed and now they are in black and white, so it will either be depressing or uplifting, but will be reminder if not anything else.
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