A Wasteland................My Life

Well folks, two days in a row........................

Today finds me rather depressed and feeling lonely! I got up as usual and worked in the office to get things organized and caught up. I took a nap in which I had terrible nightmares or day mares as the case was. I have no energy to do anything and I think it is because I am finding everything so overwhelming! Take the below as some examples............

*My Little Gurl - Roxy! I feel like I am going to have no choice but to put her down! I am beginning to think she is in some pain and the pee-ing thing is so out of control. I spend, at least an hour and a half a day cleaning up her many accidents and trying to make sure there is no smell. Everything I have tried has failed. I tried putting a bucket of cleaner in my room to keep up on the messes and to curb the smell. My friend David stated the Ammonia smell was overwhelming, so after investigating - the cleaner has ammonia in it and mixed with her constant puddles makes it really awful. So I got rid of that and just got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the entire floor. I have air freshener out the wazoo in here. She is eating good and only gets one bowl of water a day. She is spry and happy and is playful. I feel like I am being self centered by even thinking about ending her life! She has too short of fur to put outside and I haven't the money to even take her to the vet. I haven't tried diapers but I have a feeling she would just tear them up. I am at my wits end!!! If I put her down, I am completely alone up here!

*Financially, I am struggling to make ends meet! I had to pay storage today which leaves me less then $20.00 in my account and I am supposed to go to Columbus Friday. I have to wait until the 8Th to file for West Virginia unemployment and that's not a given. Have no idea if they would even honor my claim as I only worked 5 and a half months up here. Matt has been wonderful about helping me through and I am sure he would give me a loan or advance or a loan on my upcoming salary, but I am sooo down on myself and feel like such a loser even asking. Thankfully, my friend David bought me lunch at the casino as it turns out - I would have been overdrawn!

*Socially/Romantically - I have decided there is no one for me out there and with how I am feeling, that's a good thing for any perspective romantic partners. Aside from the fact, that this world is full of pretentious, artificial, socially-inept, and sexually driven gay guys, who would want a down on your luck over the hill loser like me. I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but, sadly, it is the truth!

This is the darkest period of my life right now and I have no one to turn to. The only thing I have going for me is having a sound mind and emotional maturity. I feel so totally alone that I am passed even being able to cry about it! If I didn't think it would be the weakest thing to do and would leave my family devastated, I would take an entire bottle of Xanax and go to sleep for good! If Karma is a bitch, what did I do to deserve this???? I have tried to be a good person, take care of people, look at myself objectively and work on my faults, but it doesn't seem that it matters!!! Also, I can't give up because there is no other choice. Maybe I have to just ride it out and take one day at a time, and that is the learning experience I am supposed to learn. It is so hard though, I feel so alone and unloved and like no one gives a shit whether I live or die!