Today's Update......

Well - I had a great day overall! I awoke this morning and updated my blog and had a healthy breakfast. The snow fell pretty much all night and has accumulated about 8 inches. Along with the wind, we now have drifts of, at least, 5 feet. Troy worked pretty much all morning on clearing the roads and Matt says the road down the mountain was barely passable!

I took a Tylenol and layed down as my Sciatic nerve is acting up, only to be awakened by Troy hollering for me. He stated he needed to talk to me. I guess he and Matt got into an argument and Matt was packing to leave. I tried to calm him down and give him some honest feedback, when Matt came in to check the Ham and Beans he had cooking in the crock pot.

Well, they got into it again, screaming and hollering at each other, at which point, I made a hasty exit to the porch. I smoked a cigarette (how the hell do ya quit in this environment? Excuses/Excuses) until Matt stormed out. He asked me to handle everything as he had to get off the mountain. I told him to be careful and call me the minute he was safe.

I then proceeded to listen to Troy talk about the relationship and what he should do, etc. etc. etc. I tried my best to be objective and give him some positive feedback when it comes to Matty. I am not going to be caught in the middle of it and take sides with either one of them. I explained this to him and stated that my input was only my outside objective opinion.

Once Troy decided to go to the house, I spoke with David and we had a good conversation about his possibly working here this summer. I was also able to unload some of my resentment and blame for always being the one to put myself out for other people. Also, realizing I am to blame and the fine line I will have to walk to change it. I cannot and will not change who I am and become a mean person, but, I will not put myself out on a regular basis no longer.

Once David and I hung up, Troy came back in and wanted to discuss more. He looked like a lost puppy, but, I did not put myself on hold for this go round. Based on what I am trying to do within myself, I told him I was taking a shower and to just relax and watch TV to try and take his mind off things, If only for a while. While I was brushing my teeth, he hollered through the door that he was going back to the house and to have a good evening. I responded OK and he knew where I was if he needed me. I then took a nice long shower and said my prayers to center myself. I cleaned my room and checked the Ham and Beans. I decided to have a bowl and ended having 2 while I watched a rerun of "Everyone Loves Raymond". This is one of those nights when its probably good I do not have a partner after eating a ton of beans!!!

I then spoke to one of my ex-employees with whom I have developed a friendship. Her husband is dying of bone Cancer and she had sent me a message to call her. It seems he is not doing very well. His feet have developed a circulation issue due to the growth of the cancer. They now have a hospital bed in their living room as he cannot sleep laying down anymore. He is on Morphine and Deloten (sp) and Hospice is there 3 times a week. Barb had to go make his funeral arrangements this week and thankfully the bank is allowing her to work from home. I feel so very bad for her and it certainly puts my problems aside if only for awhile. Things could always be better - but they could always be worse!

I just was on facebook and one of the previous guests here IM'ed me to say hi. He visited here with a friend of his and he and I had a good time dancing to some old depeche mode, etc.. Anyway, he just told me that he thought I was totally hot and if things were different, he would love to get to know me better! Ya see, he is off to Japan for a teaching - Peace Corp gig on the 1st of March. It made me feel very good, but, also made me realize that I really do not give myself enough credit. I know I have alot to offer someone, but, the most important thing right now - is what I can offer myself! I need to be my own best friend because only then will I meet the best friend that I can be partners and soul mates with also.