Well it was quite an interesting weekend and beginning of the week - to say the least! Both of the guys I was interested in are now history! The first one acted like a rude asshole on Friday night! Then on Saturday night, I finished work and went over to where my room is to take a nap and decided to stop and use the restroom and since we had guests in the sewing room, I went up to the oak room and there is the second guy having sex with a co-worker!
Needless to say, it depressed me as I an not attracted to many guys nor feel a connection to very few! I feel like I finally feel good about myself and what I have to offer and any guy would be lucky to have me in that respect, however, it is apparent that those type of guys do not exist and if they do, they are few and far between! Gay guys do not want to get lucky in romance, they just want to get laid!
Not saying that I don't like sex, but even then I need an attraction somewhat!
I wish I could just stop expecting more, stop yearning for more, stop being attracted to the wrong guys! I really think I should give up on love and just enjoy my solitary life and enjoy my friends and job without the want or need for more! Now how to do that is the problem! I am really sick of putting myself out there only to get trampled on!
So, then on Sunday I could not wait until the guests were all gone, which was 3:30 pm, so I could just go to bed, which I did and slept until 9:30 pm! We still had a few guests staying over and there was a couple here and the one guy was cute and Italian looking and him and his bf were celebrating their first anniversary! I thought they were so cute - until...........
They were staying until today and on Monday night the 27 year old cute Italian guy started hitting on me! He told me I had a nice ass, kept touching me whenever his bf turned away, went to my room looking for me when I was not there (thankfully), and propositioned me on the porch when his bf walked away wanting me to meet him after his bf went to sleep! Needless to say, I could not go off on him like I wanted to, but had to say no in the most appropriate way as he was a guest.
I wanted to scream to the heavens "enough already!" That was like the topping on the cake! Even if I do get involved with someone, will he be faithful? Will he have any morals? Will he, like many of other gay guys, want an "open" relationship?
Will I or do I even think I can find, a real man like myself, in this field of "dreams" or are they all weeds?
I place for me to vent, ponder, and dissect my deepest thoughts and opinions without retribution or judgement!
I know a lot about weeds... believe me. This goes back to our conversation of trying to 'find someone who doesn't drink in a bar'... it's going to be hard to find someone up there... but not impossible. I'm glad you're not internalizing it any more... know that there's nothing wrong with you... it's them. It doesn't make it any easier when you're lonely... but it's validating knowing that you're not the messed up one. :)
ReplyDeleteSorry it took so long to get here, but boy I'm glad I showed up! Put your listening cap on Mister...here it comes! Please, don't ever, ever, ever give up on love!
ReplyDeleteI have found that for the most part, men are men are men, gay or straight. I see the majority of men as very physical creatures; almost "driven" by their physicality. A man that is not constantly obsessed by getting his next "physical fix," is a very rare and precious find.
I remember that one of the most disheartening things I had to accept after high school was that it was going to be almost impossible to find guys at college or adult males in general, to be platonic friends; it seemed all any of them ever really wanted, at the end of the day, was a "friend with benefits," not a friend of the heart. Some things just never change.
Personally, I think sex is very over-rated. I will take a few hours of great conversation and laughs (even tears!) over a few fleeting moments of sexual gratification. I've never really gotten the "big deal," about sex and since I haven't gotten it by now, I don't really expect too. It's nice and all, but so is ice cream. I don't want it every day and if it doesn't get immediate attention, it's gone before you know it!
Not a big one for having to make decisions (I do it all day long at work) the fact that there are so many flavors only makes it more difficult. It might look really good in the case, but the consistency is pretty much all the same. Just when you think you are up to trying something different and exciting, you order two scoops instead of one. By the time you are half way thorough you realize it wasn't what you expected, and it's already getting tiresome. By the time you make it to the cone, you're just sorry you ate so much.
Nobody wants to be without ice cream forever, but YOU know the flavor that you like; it's just harder to find. Great ice cream is always worth the wait, and just remember, for every scoop that doesn't work out, it's one less "ice cream headache." Hold out for the homemade stuff. It's always worth the wait!
Much Love!