Well folks - I am still at gay camp trying to get through a tough transition........It looks like it will be another week before the new owners take over and I have alot of work that needs to happen once they are at the helm.
In the meantime, there is a seasonal here that continues to try and cause trouble at every turn. There is another seasonal that has decided he hates my guts! He is constantly making false accusations about me to the new owners and thankfully he was found to be wrong! It backfired in his face. I have tried to reach out to him the first time he tried to cause trouble but obviously it was not good enough. He is also spreading false rumors about me and is trying very hard to discredit the store office with me there. It is thought that he wants his old position back which is what I am currently doing. I have to be very diligent around him and make sure that I work that much harder to make his comments falsehoods. I have developed some great rapport with alot of the seasonals here and I am hoping they all see right through him and what he is trying to do. Thankfully, he will not be working here when the new owners take over as was first thought! I have also received a few complaint e-mails which were very tough for me personally. As it turned out, the first one was bogus and I became a scapegoat for a break-up of an already rocky relationship. The second one was from someone who got pissed because I called him "Babe". I wish I was given all of the good e-mails and comments that were received, but, that's not how people operate. They operate from a negative base instead of a positive one. I am trying to hold onto my positive attitude and look at my cup as half full, as opposed to, half empty. It is very tough to do here!
The worst transition for me is the departure of one of the most important people in my life. David has been the massage therapist here for many years and is the best massage therapist I have met. He gave me one of the best massages I have ever had, so I speak from experience. He always worked very hard and always maintained a strict work ethic and morals while working with a totally gay clientele. He has had to endure many requests for "Happy Endings" and has come a long way in his development to be the best person he can be. The folks here all really love him and his clients have nothing but wonderful things to say about him. He and I have grown so close in such a short period of time and have become, what I think, will be life long friends. He is one of those folks that I know God brought into my life for a reason. I am going to miss seeing him every weekend and hanging out. I will miss our deep discussions and having each other to keep our heads on straight while dealing with some of the drama that is apparent at an all male gay camp. We have promised to keep in touch as we do now and meet at the casino whenever we can. I have a lump in my throat now - so I will move on!
In conclusion, I have to just take deep breaths and move forward during this transition. I will do what I can to insure that the most important part is the Customers and Customer Service. I am going to try and make the behind the scene crap transparent to the customers so there are not affected. The bottom line is I really care about this place and the majority of the people here and making sure the guests have a wonderful, relaxing, time. My friend from Columbus told me today that if things do not work out, I always have a place with her at her home. That made me feel much more calm about things and was very much appreciated. No matter what I know I will land on my feet - - - trying to remain positive and keep the........Status Quo!!!
I place for me to vent, ponder, and dissect my deepest thoughts and opinions without retribution or judgement!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Jigsaw Puzzle That Is My Life!
Well after my last post, I feel compelled to do an immediate update! I left the computer last night and took a nice long lonely walk. I then ended up at my car and sat there and listened to my CD's and contemplated my life. I really do feel, for some reason, I am on the right path. Its just going to take some time to get there and see the results. I may have my down times, but, I have always been able to bounce back. I have been through so much in my life, things that I have never shared with anyone else. I have decided that I am one strong man and the things that have happened have not defeated me, nor will they ever.
I believe the experiences and people I have met since I have been up on this mountain have all happened for a reason. I do not know what those reasons are but I feel they will all be revealed at some point. I have never been a very patient person and this is one of those times that I have to learn to be patient.
I truly believe that I can have a positive affect on the people I come in contact here and I will continue to not let all of the negative things that have happened make me a bitter person. I refuse to allow the bad things to change me for the worse. I have alot to offer a special person and no one has yet been revealed as the missing piece.
I may not have found that other piece of the puzzle that fits with me, but, I know he is there. He may even be still transforming into the piece he was meant to be. I know that sounds a bit of romanticism, but, in my heart of hearts, I know I am right. Whenever we work a jigsaw puzzle, the piece we have been looking for may have been right there all of the time, or it may be discovered a little later. Bottom line is, if you stick to it, you will eventually solve the puzzle and end up with a beautiful completed picture.
In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy the journey of working it out. Also, sometimes the piece of the puzzle that fits with you may have been placed with another piece, and may appear that it is a good fit, until you discovered that you were wrong. Once that is discovered, you can place the piece in the right place, and the puzzle comes together further. It takes alot of patience and sometimes you have to step away from the puzzle for a while and regroup, go back to it when you have more patience and are not so intent on the problem.
This is one of those times that I have to enjoy the journey and step away when it gets to be too much. Don't worry, I will be back, I have never given up on a good puzzle and I do not intend to start now.
I believe the experiences and people I have met since I have been up on this mountain have all happened for a reason. I do not know what those reasons are but I feel they will all be revealed at some point. I have never been a very patient person and this is one of those times that I have to learn to be patient.
I truly believe that I can have a positive affect on the people I come in contact here and I will continue to not let all of the negative things that have happened make me a bitter person. I refuse to allow the bad things to change me for the worse. I have alot to offer a special person and no one has yet been revealed as the missing piece.
I may not have found that other piece of the puzzle that fits with me, but, I know he is there. He may even be still transforming into the piece he was meant to be. I know that sounds a bit of romanticism, but, in my heart of hearts, I know I am right. Whenever we work a jigsaw puzzle, the piece we have been looking for may have been right there all of the time, or it may be discovered a little later. Bottom line is, if you stick to it, you will eventually solve the puzzle and end up with a beautiful completed picture.
In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy the journey of working it out. Also, sometimes the piece of the puzzle that fits with you may have been placed with another piece, and may appear that it is a good fit, until you discovered that you were wrong. Once that is discovered, you can place the piece in the right place, and the puzzle comes together further. It takes alot of patience and sometimes you have to step away from the puzzle for a while and regroup, go back to it when you have more patience and are not so intent on the problem.
This is one of those times that I have to enjoy the journey and step away when it gets to be too much. Don't worry, I will be back, I have never given up on a good puzzle and I do not intend to start now.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Lonely and Totally Alone................
I am sitting here at almost midnight with a huge lump in my throat........
I do not think I have ever felt so lonely in my life. I know that I need to hang on and get through it but it is very hard right now! I have so much to offer someone and yet I sit alone while nearly everyone I know is cuddled up with a special someone. It all has smacked me right in the face tonight.
First, I see Troy and Matt working together this evening - and they were doing their own things and then they said goodnight and got in their car together and left. The cook and his boyfriend were out walking hand in hand and I watched as they made their way to their camper for the night. I know that David has reconnected with his ex love and they have decided to make another go of it - they are probably sharing a romantic date and cuddling up together as I write this. I am very happy for all of these folks and hope they realize how blessed they are.
I also know of a number of couples right now that are on vacation, relaxing together, making plans, etc while I sit here typing on this stupid fucking blog..........
I am wondering what I have done wrong that it has come to this.........and if I will ever experience a healthy love affair with someone.................The tears are rolling down my face as I sit here.......and that just pisses me off more and makes me feel worse about myself. I hate self pity yet that's all I feel I have right now. The really tragic part is I do not see an end to the sadness I am feeling or the loneliness....and wonder how I will ever make it through..............I feel like I will never stop crying and this all just hurts too bad..............tragic part - no one can make this go away......................................but me!
I do not think I have ever felt so lonely in my life. I know that I need to hang on and get through it but it is very hard right now! I have so much to offer someone and yet I sit alone while nearly everyone I know is cuddled up with a special someone. It all has smacked me right in the face tonight.
First, I see Troy and Matt working together this evening - and they were doing their own things and then they said goodnight and got in their car together and left. The cook and his boyfriend were out walking hand in hand and I watched as they made their way to their camper for the night. I know that David has reconnected with his ex love and they have decided to make another go of it - they are probably sharing a romantic date and cuddling up together as I write this. I am very happy for all of these folks and hope they realize how blessed they are.
I also know of a number of couples right now that are on vacation, relaxing together, making plans, etc while I sit here typing on this stupid fucking blog..........
I am wondering what I have done wrong that it has come to this.........and if I will ever experience a healthy love affair with someone.................The tears are rolling down my face as I sit here.......and that just pisses me off more and makes me feel worse about myself. I hate self pity yet that's all I feel I have right now. The really tragic part is I do not see an end to the sadness I am feeling or the loneliness....and wonder how I will ever make it through..............I feel like I will never stop crying and this all just hurts too bad..............tragic part - no one can make this go away......................................but me!
Sex and the Resort
This is the first installment of of my attempt to write about the sexual exploits here at the resort. This will be sort of along the lines of "Sex In The City" but with an obvious twist!
****The names have been changed to protect the innocent and NOT so innocent****
I will be Carrie since I am going to narrate these installments - you all will have to figure out who is Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda on your own!
Lets first get you all up to date! I arrived up here on the mountain in the middle of May of this year. Upon arrival I loved the laid back atmosphere and the fact that I could just be myself without worrying about what other people thought of me! I had heard about the "Barn" and did not ever have any intention of ever visiting there. I went down there while it was being cleaned for the season just to see what it looked like and again stated I would never be there.
Well - lets just say I have been there probably 6 times and have "participated" in activities twice. The first time was the night the lights went out and there were only a few people here. The second time was a drunken lashing out at myself for being me - the one that was always in control, etc. Even then, I only "barned" with one person. It is funny to think that a few of the folks that go there, have a group of people around them. I have never been a group type of guy, but understand that being a man - sometimes the hormones take over. Any further visits will be to witness and report back for these installments again protecting the folks involved. This is not meant to be a judgemental report at all, but to monitor and digest what some of our society (gay) resort to sexually when given the opportunity and/or just to feel loved and accepted.
The barn is the type of place where you have to be very discreet and quiet. The lighting is minimal and the atmosphere is very back woodsy, clandestine, and anything goes. Its reminiscent of the backrooms and bath-houses that are in most major cities. A good depiction of what it is like would be to watch any bar episode of "Queer As Folk" or the movie "Torch Song Trilogy". To name just a few. There is a wooden box built right into the barn on the left as you enter through a sliding wooden door. This box is filled with Condoms regularly and unfortunately there can be some that refuse to use them, and should.
Needless to say, those that truly know me, know that I am not the most graceful and quiet person. I have burst out laughing in there before and got "shushed"! I have stubbed my toe on entering and staggered into the barn while screaming obscenities - at which point - about 8 people ran out! I can clear a room - and now even a barn! LOL
There can also be drama down there! If ones boyfriend decides to partake and doesn't really inform the other of his need, there can be fireworks. There have been folks actually physically try to remove their dates, boyfriends, etc. Its almost a "no holes barred" kinda atmosphere even outside of that place. Friends and acquaintances will even make out with each other. One person - I will call Colin - told me about someone else I am friends with - who was making out with him outside the barn this past weekend. I was floored as Colin's kisser does not strike me as the type when he is not at the barn! Its almost like folks change dramatically when there. Sometimes these same people will call other folks "Trash" and a "Mess" and they are just the same way. Hypocrisy does run rampant here!
To each his own and we all have to be true to ourselves and our sexual nature sometimes. I am proud of the fact that I am the same person when I am there - just more passionate and sexual. I am also proud of the fact that I am honest about it - and do not feel a need to put others down because they partake. I do have an issue with being a hypocrite as I am very honest and upfront about those things I may not be proud of about myself! I am also proud that I only have done the one-on-one type of hook-up - and then its not every night. I laugh my ass off when someone comes up to me and states that are embarrassed or ashamed about what they did Friday night and then they are there getting involved in even more on Saturday night!
I felt a tad unsure this past Friday about my actions - so on Saturday night I ended up leaving the bar earlier - going down with a friend of mine - checking things out - talking to him - and then coming right back up and going to bed. The only thing I judge is when someone is dishonest with me about it and puts others down for the same thing. I have no tolerance for dishonesty or hypocrisy! We all have to answer to our own conscious and we are all human. I try very hard not to say one thing and then do another.
Tune in this weekend for "Christmas Presents - Wrapped and unwrapped!"
****The names have been changed to protect the innocent and NOT so innocent****
I will be Carrie since I am going to narrate these installments - you all will have to figure out who is Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda on your own!
Lets first get you all up to date! I arrived up here on the mountain in the middle of May of this year. Upon arrival I loved the laid back atmosphere and the fact that I could just be myself without worrying about what other people thought of me! I had heard about the "Barn" and did not ever have any intention of ever visiting there. I went down there while it was being cleaned for the season just to see what it looked like and again stated I would never be there.
Well - lets just say I have been there probably 6 times and have "participated" in activities twice. The first time was the night the lights went out and there were only a few people here. The second time was a drunken lashing out at myself for being me - the one that was always in control, etc. Even then, I only "barned" with one person. It is funny to think that a few of the folks that go there, have a group of people around them. I have never been a group type of guy, but understand that being a man - sometimes the hormones take over. Any further visits will be to witness and report back for these installments again protecting the folks involved. This is not meant to be a judgemental report at all, but to monitor and digest what some of our society (gay) resort to sexually when given the opportunity and/or just to feel loved and accepted.
The barn is the type of place where you have to be very discreet and quiet. The lighting is minimal and the atmosphere is very back woodsy, clandestine, and anything goes. Its reminiscent of the backrooms and bath-houses that are in most major cities. A good depiction of what it is like would be to watch any bar episode of "Queer As Folk" or the movie "Torch Song Trilogy". To name just a few. There is a wooden box built right into the barn on the left as you enter through a sliding wooden door. This box is filled with Condoms regularly and unfortunately there can be some that refuse to use them, and should.
Needless to say, those that truly know me, know that I am not the most graceful and quiet person. I have burst out laughing in there before and got "shushed"! I have stubbed my toe on entering and staggered into the barn while screaming obscenities - at which point - about 8 people ran out! I can clear a room - and now even a barn! LOL
There can also be drama down there! If ones boyfriend decides to partake and doesn't really inform the other of his need, there can be fireworks. There have been folks actually physically try to remove their dates, boyfriends, etc. Its almost a "no holes barred" kinda atmosphere even outside of that place. Friends and acquaintances will even make out with each other. One person - I will call Colin - told me about someone else I am friends with - who was making out with him outside the barn this past weekend. I was floored as Colin's kisser does not strike me as the type when he is not at the barn! Its almost like folks change dramatically when there. Sometimes these same people will call other folks "Trash" and a "Mess" and they are just the same way. Hypocrisy does run rampant here!
To each his own and we all have to be true to ourselves and our sexual nature sometimes. I am proud of the fact that I am the same person when I am there - just more passionate and sexual. I am also proud of the fact that I am honest about it - and do not feel a need to put others down because they partake. I do have an issue with being a hypocrite as I am very honest and upfront about those things I may not be proud of about myself! I am also proud that I only have done the one-on-one type of hook-up - and then its not every night. I laugh my ass off when someone comes up to me and states that are embarrassed or ashamed about what they did Friday night and then they are there getting involved in even more on Saturday night!
I felt a tad unsure this past Friday about my actions - so on Saturday night I ended up leaving the bar earlier - going down with a friend of mine - checking things out - talking to him - and then coming right back up and going to bed. The only thing I judge is when someone is dishonest with me about it and puts others down for the same thing. I have no tolerance for dishonesty or hypocrisy! We all have to answer to our own conscious and we are all human. I try very hard not to say one thing and then do another.
Tune in this weekend for "Christmas Presents - Wrapped and unwrapped!"
Monday, July 19, 2010
Friends...............The Real Deal!!!
It a while since I have blogged and I was reminded that I need to start being more faithful with this. I am not too worried about it now - as I have only one follower - but once I get in the habit of writing on a regular basis, I can then start telling the family, friends, etc., to check this out. I really think it has been beneficial to write down my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis because I think it really helps put things in perspective!
I have been struggling lately with always being considered every one's friend, good friend, best friend, etc., and never being considered as boyfriend material. I woke up this morning in the best mood, because I realized a few things. I always have those revelations/confirmations seemingly come out of the blue, when I am internalizing my feelings.
This morning I realized that being friends with someone is much better then being in a relationship. Not saying I do not want to have a relationship, but I realized that I want a relationship with someone that I can trust, be intimate with on all levels, and be monogamous with each other. The majority of the relationships that I have witnessed up here on this mountain are far from what I need or want, nor could they be healthy for me.
The friendships I have developed with some folks have been very fulfilling. I am able to share my thoughts and feelings and listen without prejudice to other folks. Because I want a relationship with someone whom I have developed a friendship with first, before moving to the next level, and because that is very unrealistic in the gay world, I have now decided that friendship is really all I need.
Don't get me wrong, I am not being bitter about this. I know I would be the best boyfriend possible. I am really thoughtful, caring, understanding, affectionate, loving, playful, a good listener, direct, honest, responsible, loyal, faithful, etc. I feel better about the road I am on and about who I am as a person. I like the way I look physically and feel I am a very passionate and sexual person. I am continually trying to look at myself objectively and never lose sight of the things I want to work on to continue to grow as a person.
I am finding, more and more, that the reasons why I am single have more to do with the other folks I have met as possible partners, then with me. Where I used to think there was something missing in me as the reason, now I am finding that it is more what is missing in other possible perspective partners. I have found that a number of people I have been attracted to do find me attractive, but think, ultimately I am too good for them. They can't imagine that they could make me happy. They feel that they are lacking in some areas and that I am not lacking, so they are "doing me a favor" by not pursuing anything with me. I have had a number of folks tell me that over the last year or so, but I was never able to comprehend it. The reason is that I did not feel that anyone in their right mind would think I was better then them. I have been able to step outside of myself and look at the entire situation from an objective point of view, and realized that, since I have been concentrating on being mister right instead of finding him, I have grown myself right out of the majority of perspective partners.
So - now I have those that have written me off for dumb reasons like smoking, lack of money, job, location, age, etc, and those that have written me off because of my desire to be the best person that I can possible be, the fact that I am honest and direct, monogamous, faithful, etc.
Either way - those folks have not seen the real Scott. When and if the right person comes along, they will know they have things to work on in their lives and they will know that I do also. They will know that I will be there for them and help them continue to grow and support them and they will want to do the same for me. They will know that I am a quality person and they will have the confidence to appreciate that and know that I would never think I am better then anyone else. They will know that I think of them as a quality person and be loyal to them and defend them and their decisions in life.
I have done some things in the past couple of months that I am not proud of here at the Resort. I have done things that have been totally out of my character because I am tired of being alone, the odd man out, etc. I now know that I did those things because I lacked the confidence in myself and did not like myself because I was always never good enough so why not just allow other folks to influence my decisions. Now I know the truth! I will continue to strive not to be judgemental. Just because other folks settle for less, doesn't mean that I have to, nor does it mean I am any better then they are. We are all fallible, vulnerable, and just trying to live the best way we can for ourselves. I will continue to be there for people because I care. I will continue to be objective about myself, but not tear myself up as a person. This doesn't mean that if I find someone attractive, things won't progress physically - I am a man after all. But I will be doing it for the right reason and not because I want them to like me!
I enjoy the fact that I have found a few guys that I find attractive. Not just from a physical perspective, but from an emotional and mental one as well. Its has been very heartbreaking that they haven't felt the same way about me, but I know it has more to do with them then it has to do with me. I enjoy the fact that I can still, after all I have been through, have faith that there will be someone like me. Someone that is truly a man who will take a chance on me as I am a man and will take a chance on them. I felt that I may have found a few, but I was wrong. Again, it is just as much their loss as it is mine!
In conclusion, I am going to continue to be the best person I can be. I am going to continue to work on myself and be objective about myself. Strive to change anything I do not find good for me about myself. I am going to continue to step outside of myself and be there for the people I come in contact with. I am very blessed to have developed friendships with some of the people here. I love getting know people from all walks of life with their own desires and areas they feel they need to improve on. I am not going to continue to waste time on those that continue to break my heart, either intentionally or unintentionally, and move forward instead of looking back and being hard on myself about it. I will strive to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, yet, not continue to be treated badly by anyone. I will treat folks the way I want to be treated!
Friendships and making a positive difference in mine and other folks lives is more important then being in a relationship that is not ultimately healthy for you.
Friends.....................................The Real Deal!!!!
I have been struggling lately with always being considered every one's friend, good friend, best friend, etc., and never being considered as boyfriend material. I woke up this morning in the best mood, because I realized a few things. I always have those revelations/confirmations seemingly come out of the blue, when I am internalizing my feelings.
This morning I realized that being friends with someone is much better then being in a relationship. Not saying I do not want to have a relationship, but I realized that I want a relationship with someone that I can trust, be intimate with on all levels, and be monogamous with each other. The majority of the relationships that I have witnessed up here on this mountain are far from what I need or want, nor could they be healthy for me.
The friendships I have developed with some folks have been very fulfilling. I am able to share my thoughts and feelings and listen without prejudice to other folks. Because I want a relationship with someone whom I have developed a friendship with first, before moving to the next level, and because that is very unrealistic in the gay world, I have now decided that friendship is really all I need.
Don't get me wrong, I am not being bitter about this. I know I would be the best boyfriend possible. I am really thoughtful, caring, understanding, affectionate, loving, playful, a good listener, direct, honest, responsible, loyal, faithful, etc. I feel better about the road I am on and about who I am as a person. I like the way I look physically and feel I am a very passionate and sexual person. I am continually trying to look at myself objectively and never lose sight of the things I want to work on to continue to grow as a person.
I am finding, more and more, that the reasons why I am single have more to do with the other folks I have met as possible partners, then with me. Where I used to think there was something missing in me as the reason, now I am finding that it is more what is missing in other possible perspective partners. I have found that a number of people I have been attracted to do find me attractive, but think, ultimately I am too good for them. They can't imagine that they could make me happy. They feel that they are lacking in some areas and that I am not lacking, so they are "doing me a favor" by not pursuing anything with me. I have had a number of folks tell me that over the last year or so, but I was never able to comprehend it. The reason is that I did not feel that anyone in their right mind would think I was better then them. I have been able to step outside of myself and look at the entire situation from an objective point of view, and realized that, since I have been concentrating on being mister right instead of finding him, I have grown myself right out of the majority of perspective partners.
So - now I have those that have written me off for dumb reasons like smoking, lack of money, job, location, age, etc, and those that have written me off because of my desire to be the best person that I can possible be, the fact that I am honest and direct, monogamous, faithful, etc.
Either way - those folks have not seen the real Scott. When and if the right person comes along, they will know they have things to work on in their lives and they will know that I do also. They will know that I will be there for them and help them continue to grow and support them and they will want to do the same for me. They will know that I am a quality person and they will have the confidence to appreciate that and know that I would never think I am better then anyone else. They will know that I think of them as a quality person and be loyal to them and defend them and their decisions in life.
I have done some things in the past couple of months that I am not proud of here at the Resort. I have done things that have been totally out of my character because I am tired of being alone, the odd man out, etc. I now know that I did those things because I lacked the confidence in myself and did not like myself because I was always never good enough so why not just allow other folks to influence my decisions. Now I know the truth! I will continue to strive not to be judgemental. Just because other folks settle for less, doesn't mean that I have to, nor does it mean I am any better then they are. We are all fallible, vulnerable, and just trying to live the best way we can for ourselves. I will continue to be there for people because I care. I will continue to be objective about myself, but not tear myself up as a person. This doesn't mean that if I find someone attractive, things won't progress physically - I am a man after all. But I will be doing it for the right reason and not because I want them to like me!
I enjoy the fact that I have found a few guys that I find attractive. Not just from a physical perspective, but from an emotional and mental one as well. Its has been very heartbreaking that they haven't felt the same way about me, but I know it has more to do with them then it has to do with me. I enjoy the fact that I can still, after all I have been through, have faith that there will be someone like me. Someone that is truly a man who will take a chance on me as I am a man and will take a chance on them. I felt that I may have found a few, but I was wrong. Again, it is just as much their loss as it is mine!
In conclusion, I am going to continue to be the best person I can be. I am going to continue to work on myself and be objective about myself. Strive to change anything I do not find good for me about myself. I am going to continue to step outside of myself and be there for the people I come in contact with. I am very blessed to have developed friendships with some of the people here. I love getting know people from all walks of life with their own desires and areas they feel they need to improve on. I am not going to continue to waste time on those that continue to break my heart, either intentionally or unintentionally, and move forward instead of looking back and being hard on myself about it. I will strive to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, yet, not continue to be treated badly by anyone. I will treat folks the way I want to be treated!
Friendships and making a positive difference in mine and other folks lives is more important then being in a relationship that is not ultimately healthy for you.
Friends.....................................The Real Deal!!!!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Break through or Break Out!
Hi folks - been a while since I blogged................
This weekend was actually a great weekend! Met some new folks and actually sold tickets for a 50/50 raffle! The tickets were $1.00 a piece, 7 for $5.00, and for $10.00, I got on my knees in front of the guy and measured from his balls to his ankle! Yes - I actually wore underwear or swim trunks - while selling tickets - and while I was a tad self conscious about it - I actually feel like I overcame the insecurity and enjoyed it! My family and friends that really know me would have been both surprised and appalled at what I was able to do in the name of the charity! LOL The raffle benefited the Upper Ohio Valley Aids Task Force - and the goal was to raise $500.00 which would have been split between the winner and the charity! We hit nearly $800.00 with the winner getting 358.00 and after the winner donated $40.00 to the cause - we have exactly 398.00 for the charity - I was very excited about what I accomplished along with my assistants for the weekend!
Friday Night - Earlier in the evening, we had an impromptu performance by one of our guests named Rem who set-up his keyboard outside in the common area and played some light jazz! It really set the mood and got everyone relaxing! The party on Friday night was red, white, and blue underwear and Matt and I sold tickets for the raffle! I met a really cute guy named Lucas who had lost, to date, over 104 pounds. He had the most beautiful eyes and reminded me of Josh Dashumel, the actor who played on Las Vegas, and Fergie's husband! He was actually a very good kisser and it was nice to spend time talking and feeling like someone found me attractive on the inside and outside!
Saturday - Laid by the pool after taking Roxy for a walk and cleaning the room. I went to work at 2:30 and was pretty busy with sales in the store. The Red party was Saturday night out on the cabana deck. I walked around and sold tickets for the raffle - Rob assisted for part of the time. Ran into Lucas who seemed kind of standoffish with me. In retrospect, I think he is in love with the guest DJ we had as they checked in together. They are supposed to be just friends, however, I got the distinct impression he is secretly pining for Mr. Jimmy as he was never far from him and I caught the way he looked at him a number of times. Oh well - I wish him luck - nice guy - and I hope he finds his special someone. I ended being "over" a number of people and their negative and shallow behaviors. I ended up going to bed and just shutting down as I normally do when being pushed to my limits!
Sunday - Did my normal morning routine - went to the pool and then to work. Being that it was a long weekend, we worked normal Saturday hours as I am usually off on Sundays. After the store closed, everyone was preparing for the fireworks display. I became very sad as I was standing all alone on the camper deck. It was my first firework display here and I wanted it to be special with special friends, etc. I finally moved to the porch and decided to watch them from there and realized that I have to be my own best friend sometimes and had to quit wallowing in self pity. As it turned out, I ended up watching them with Matt, who had talked me into applying for the job here to begin with, so it worked out wonderfully!! While the fireworks are not Columbus standards, they were wonderful and long, and everyone had such a good time enjoying them. Folks were clapping and whistling during some of them and the feeling of camaraderie was palpable at times!!! David and I sold more raffle tickets on Sunday night and we had a great time. He and I played off of each other alot and made a really cool team. Two dark Italian guys pimping ourselves out to make it a success! LOL! What I have realized is he and I doubled what we had made to that point all weekend! I got "gayed" out by the end of the evening - and had to go take a walk and chill before bed!
Monday - I was off work, so I went to the pool and hung out until about 5:30. I had dinner with Rem and 4 other guests. The conversation was really entertaining and it was a nice relaxing group. Rem decided to stay an extra night and because he had already packed up his tent and things, I added the extra camping fee and had him stay in the Barracks. No one was in that building and he was going to sleep in his car. I felt it did not make sense for him to sleep in the car when we had empty beds close by. He was very appreciative of the special treat and ended up bringing his keyboard out and playing for about 2 hours while about 10 of us that were staying hung out on the porches and chatted. I talked to one of the seasonals who told me he was glad I was here and felt that I have made a difference in making folks feel special and that he thought that was why he was enjoying this season so much better then previous seasons. I also talked with one of the guests from Washington DC who told me that because of the kind of person I am and my caring attitude towards folks, he thought I was beautiful. He said he felt I was attractive before, but after talking with me he thought I was a beautiful person. He was so honest and forthright, I knew he was not hitting on me or had no ulterior motive or agenda.
I guess those special occurrences had me being retrospective of how I have allowed folks to make me feel inferior. I realized that my bad moods were my reactions to other folks actions and I realized how I was being weak in allowing myself and my basic positive outlook to be manipulated by people I had no control over. I will continue to put myself out there and let folks know I care, but it is up to them to reciprocate or not. If they do - great - if not, its as much their loss as mine. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel that I am on the right track again. I will not nor do I feel like I am better then anyone else, and god knows I have lots to work on as a person, but, for once I feel pretty good about myself and what I have to offer. I will continue to strive to be a good friend to folks that do not take advantage of it. From a romantic perspective, I honestly know that I will be a great boyfriend to someone and that person would be lucky to have me, as much as I would be lucky to have them. I know that I can now enjoy being attracted/interested in someone in a romantic aspect, even if they do not feel the same about me. If you truly care about someone, then you will want them to be happy, even it is not you that can do it. For once, I know it has nothing to do with me, but is inside of them to figure out. With that said, I have decided, I will no longer be a party to bullshit. If someone I care about as a friend or more, begins to be overly negative or makes me feel unwanted in any way, I will just remove myself from the situation and concentrate on those folks around me who I can enjoy and who do not play games with me. I can also go for a walk, go to bed, read a book, etc. I am going to strive not to let those people/situations change my mood anymore. Life is too short for bullshit and for negativity! As for having feelings that may run deeper then friendship - if it is not reciprocated - I will eventually naturally move on. For once, I truly know what I have to offer someone and I truly know that if they don't feel the same about me - its as much their loss as mine!
Along with that comes a need to be honest with folks and have the courage to stand up for your morals, values, and convictions. I will try very hard not to pass judgement on folks, but, I will not be attacked for my beliefs either. To each his own - I have no control over other folks or their actions, but I do have control over me and how I allow others and their opinions affect me.
Move forward or Move out - Break through or break out.....................................................
This weekend was actually a great weekend! Met some new folks and actually sold tickets for a 50/50 raffle! The tickets were $1.00 a piece, 7 for $5.00, and for $10.00, I got on my knees in front of the guy and measured from his balls to his ankle! Yes - I actually wore underwear or swim trunks - while selling tickets - and while I was a tad self conscious about it - I actually feel like I overcame the insecurity and enjoyed it! My family and friends that really know me would have been both surprised and appalled at what I was able to do in the name of the charity! LOL The raffle benefited the Upper Ohio Valley Aids Task Force - and the goal was to raise $500.00 which would have been split between the winner and the charity! We hit nearly $800.00 with the winner getting 358.00 and after the winner donated $40.00 to the cause - we have exactly 398.00 for the charity - I was very excited about what I accomplished along with my assistants for the weekend!
Friday Night - Earlier in the evening, we had an impromptu performance by one of our guests named Rem who set-up his keyboard outside in the common area and played some light jazz! It really set the mood and got everyone relaxing! The party on Friday night was red, white, and blue underwear and Matt and I sold tickets for the raffle! I met a really cute guy named Lucas who had lost, to date, over 104 pounds. He had the most beautiful eyes and reminded me of Josh Dashumel, the actor who played on Las Vegas, and Fergie's husband! He was actually a very good kisser and it was nice to spend time talking and feeling like someone found me attractive on the inside and outside!
Saturday - Laid by the pool after taking Roxy for a walk and cleaning the room. I went to work at 2:30 and was pretty busy with sales in the store. The Red party was Saturday night out on the cabana deck. I walked around and sold tickets for the raffle - Rob assisted for part of the time. Ran into Lucas who seemed kind of standoffish with me. In retrospect, I think he is in love with the guest DJ we had as they checked in together. They are supposed to be just friends, however, I got the distinct impression he is secretly pining for Mr. Jimmy as he was never far from him and I caught the way he looked at him a number of times. Oh well - I wish him luck - nice guy - and I hope he finds his special someone. I ended being "over" a number of people and their negative and shallow behaviors. I ended up going to bed and just shutting down as I normally do when being pushed to my limits!
Sunday - Did my normal morning routine - went to the pool and then to work. Being that it was a long weekend, we worked normal Saturday hours as I am usually off on Sundays. After the store closed, everyone was preparing for the fireworks display. I became very sad as I was standing all alone on the camper deck. It was my first firework display here and I wanted it to be special with special friends, etc. I finally moved to the porch and decided to watch them from there and realized that I have to be my own best friend sometimes and had to quit wallowing in self pity. As it turned out, I ended up watching them with Matt, who had talked me into applying for the job here to begin with, so it worked out wonderfully!! While the fireworks are not Columbus standards, they were wonderful and long, and everyone had such a good time enjoying them. Folks were clapping and whistling during some of them and the feeling of camaraderie was palpable at times!!! David and I sold more raffle tickets on Sunday night and we had a great time. He and I played off of each other alot and made a really cool team. Two dark Italian guys pimping ourselves out to make it a success! LOL! What I have realized is he and I doubled what we had made to that point all weekend! I got "gayed" out by the end of the evening - and had to go take a walk and chill before bed!
Monday - I was off work, so I went to the pool and hung out until about 5:30. I had dinner with Rem and 4 other guests. The conversation was really entertaining and it was a nice relaxing group. Rem decided to stay an extra night and because he had already packed up his tent and things, I added the extra camping fee and had him stay in the Barracks. No one was in that building and he was going to sleep in his car. I felt it did not make sense for him to sleep in the car when we had empty beds close by. He was very appreciative of the special treat and ended up bringing his keyboard out and playing for about 2 hours while about 10 of us that were staying hung out on the porches and chatted. I talked to one of the seasonals who told me he was glad I was here and felt that I have made a difference in making folks feel special and that he thought that was why he was enjoying this season so much better then previous seasons. I also talked with one of the guests from Washington DC who told me that because of the kind of person I am and my caring attitude towards folks, he thought I was beautiful. He said he felt I was attractive before, but after talking with me he thought I was a beautiful person. He was so honest and forthright, I knew he was not hitting on me or had no ulterior motive or agenda.
I guess those special occurrences had me being retrospective of how I have allowed folks to make me feel inferior. I realized that my bad moods were my reactions to other folks actions and I realized how I was being weak in allowing myself and my basic positive outlook to be manipulated by people I had no control over. I will continue to put myself out there and let folks know I care, but it is up to them to reciprocate or not. If they do - great - if not, its as much their loss as mine. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel that I am on the right track again. I will not nor do I feel like I am better then anyone else, and god knows I have lots to work on as a person, but, for once I feel pretty good about myself and what I have to offer. I will continue to strive to be a good friend to folks that do not take advantage of it. From a romantic perspective, I honestly know that I will be a great boyfriend to someone and that person would be lucky to have me, as much as I would be lucky to have them. I know that I can now enjoy being attracted/interested in someone in a romantic aspect, even if they do not feel the same about me. If you truly care about someone, then you will want them to be happy, even it is not you that can do it. For once, I know it has nothing to do with me, but is inside of them to figure out. With that said, I have decided, I will no longer be a party to bullshit. If someone I care about as a friend or more, begins to be overly negative or makes me feel unwanted in any way, I will just remove myself from the situation and concentrate on those folks around me who I can enjoy and who do not play games with me. I can also go for a walk, go to bed, read a book, etc. I am going to strive not to let those people/situations change my mood anymore. Life is too short for bullshit and for negativity! As for having feelings that may run deeper then friendship - if it is not reciprocated - I will eventually naturally move on. For once, I truly know what I have to offer someone and I truly know that if they don't feel the same about me - its as much their loss as mine!
Along with that comes a need to be honest with folks and have the courage to stand up for your morals, values, and convictions. I will try very hard not to pass judgement on folks, but, I will not be attacked for my beliefs either. To each his own - I have no control over other folks or their actions, but I do have control over me and how I allow others and their opinions affect me.
Move forward or Move out - Break through or break out.....................................................
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)