Music............

The following song has been in my head for some reason all week - - - - I have no idea why as I have not heard it for years! Thinking if I get it out in black and white, I can stop playing it in my head - LOL

The Search Is Over

By: Survivor

How can I convince you, what you see is real

Who am I to blame you, for doubting what you feel

I was always reachin, you were just a guy I knew

I took for granted the friend I have in you

I was living for a dream, Lovin for a moment

Taking on the world, that was just my style

Now I look into your eyes

I can see forever, the search is over

You were with me all the while

Can we last forever, will we fall apart

At times its so confusing, the questions of the heart

You followed me through changes, and patiently you'd wait

Til I came to my senses through some miracle of fate

I was living for a dream, loving for a moment

Taking on the world, that was just my style

Now I look into your eyes

I can see forever, the search is over

You were with me all the while

Now the miles stretch out behind me

Loves that I have lost

Broken hearts lie victim of the game

Then good luck it finally struck

Like lightning from the blue

Every highway leading me back to you

Now at last I hold you, now all is said and done

The search has come full circle

Our destinies are one

So if you ever loved me

Show me that you give a damn

You'll know for certain

the man I really am

I was living for a dream, loving for the moment

Taking our love away, that was just my style

Then I touched your hand, I could hear you whisper

The search is over, love was right before my eyes

Maybe it is the poignancy of the lyric that is drawing me! Whatever it is - it is a beautiful song with such a positive ending - one of my faves!

Books.....Glorius Books

My entire life I could not get enough books and that has not changed. All of my life I have been an avid reader and my favorite author is Dean Koontz. I have almost all, if not, all of his books in hard cover. He romanticizes the supernatural in the sense that there is always a hero and heroine and good always wins out in the end.

The latest book of his called "What The Night Knows" was no exception. It was about a man who as a teenager snuck out to meet his then girlfriend, only to return to his house in the middle of his family being slaughtered. He walked in after his parents were murdered and one sister and just after the murderer was finishing with his other sister. The murderer was a serial killer who had terrorized and murdered 3 families before this character's family. The main character ended up killing the murderer who in his last breathe promised he would return to wreak havoc when he was grown and had his own family.

Some 20 years later, the main character is a police detective and married with a 13 year old son, 11 year old daughter and a 6 year old daughter. A teenage boy has killed his entire family and is placed in a psychiatric ward. Some of the patterns of the killing remind the main character of the patterns this other used back when his family was killed.

Suddenly the boy becomes catatonic and another family killing happens matching the same pattern with the boy locked up still. The boy suddenly dies and the other family that was killed by another member of their family. This leads the main character to do some research and searching and finds that his family is targeted to be the 4th family once again.

As it turns out, the original mad man had come back from the dead in spirit only and is able to enter the bodies of only certain people who have weak personalities and/or have committed atrocities in their lives, thus making them an easy possession. The number of folks involved in placing the main character's family in jeopardy escalates as does the novel in quite surprising ways.

Now I have written the above after reading the novel and have made it sound so predictable, but it is everything but. There are a bunch of details that I have left out, needless to say, it kept me turning the pages at a fast pace! This novel grips you from the start and does not let go even after you finish the book. Suffice it to say, the family survived and are more in tact then before they went through this nightmare together.

I enjoyed it for a number of reasons, but, I think the majority of the reasoning is because life can throw some huge curve balls in your path. With diligence and determination, as well as, a belief that goodness wins out in the end, you can overcome any obstacles! I do believe that strength of spirit is important from a karma perspective also. I believe we are our own worse enemies as it turned out this character realized this and was able to stop the madness. Also, you truly do reap what you sow and should concentrate on your strengths and your needs which is something I am just trying to do. Being Self-Centered versus Self-Appreciating is total opposites and the differences can be blurred. If you don't appreciate yourself - no one else will!

It was almost like I needed to read this book........................

Today's Update......

Well - I had a great day overall! I awoke this morning and updated my blog and had a healthy breakfast. The snow fell pretty much all night and has accumulated about 8 inches. Along with the wind, we now have drifts of, at least, 5 feet. Troy worked pretty much all morning on clearing the roads and Matt says the road down the mountain was barely passable!

I took a Tylenol and layed down as my Sciatic nerve is acting up, only to be awakened by Troy hollering for me. He stated he needed to talk to me. I guess he and Matt got into an argument and Matt was packing to leave. I tried to calm him down and give him some honest feedback, when Matt came in to check the Ham and Beans he had cooking in the crock pot.

Well, they got into it again, screaming and hollering at each other, at which point, I made a hasty exit to the porch. I smoked a cigarette (how the hell do ya quit in this environment? Excuses/Excuses) until Matt stormed out. He asked me to handle everything as he had to get off the mountain. I told him to be careful and call me the minute he was safe.

I then proceeded to listen to Troy talk about the relationship and what he should do, etc. etc. etc. I tried my best to be objective and give him some positive feedback when it comes to Matty. I am not going to be caught in the middle of it and take sides with either one of them. I explained this to him and stated that my input was only my outside objective opinion.

Once Troy decided to go to the house, I spoke with David and we had a good conversation about his possibly working here this summer. I was also able to unload some of my resentment and blame for always being the one to put myself out for other people. Also, realizing I am to blame and the fine line I will have to walk to change it. I cannot and will not change who I am and become a mean person, but, I will not put myself out on a regular basis no longer.

Once David and I hung up, Troy came back in and wanted to discuss more. He looked like a lost puppy, but, I did not put myself on hold for this go round. Based on what I am trying to do within myself, I told him I was taking a shower and to just relax and watch TV to try and take his mind off things, If only for a while. While I was brushing my teeth, he hollered through the door that he was going back to the house and to have a good evening. I responded OK and he knew where I was if he needed me. I then took a nice long shower and said my prayers to center myself. I cleaned my room and checked the Ham and Beans. I decided to have a bowl and ended having 2 while I watched a rerun of "Everyone Loves Raymond". This is one of those nights when its probably good I do not have a partner after eating a ton of beans!!!

I then spoke to one of my ex-employees with whom I have developed a friendship. Her husband is dying of bone Cancer and she had sent me a message to call her. It seems he is not doing very well. His feet have developed a circulation issue due to the growth of the cancer. They now have a hospital bed in their living room as he cannot sleep laying down anymore. He is on Morphine and Deloten (sp) and Hospice is there 3 times a week. Barb had to go make his funeral arrangements this week and thankfully the bank is allowing her to work from home. I feel so very bad for her and it certainly puts my problems aside if only for awhile. Things could always be better - but they could always be worse!

I just was on facebook and one of the previous guests here IM'ed me to say hi. He visited here with a friend of his and he and I had a good time dancing to some old depeche mode, etc.. Anyway, he just told me that he thought I was totally hot and if things were different, he would love to get to know me better! Ya see, he is off to Japan for a teaching - Peace Corp gig on the 1st of March. It made me feel very good, but, also made me realize that I really do not give myself enough credit. I know I have alot to offer someone, but, the most important thing right now - is what I can offer myself! I need to be my own best friend because only then will I meet the best friend that I can be partners and soul mates with also.

Things on my mind...............Time to Be True To Myself

*I have written 2 other entries today before this about music****

In my constant dissection and reflection of myself, I have realized that I hold back my true feelings on subjects, afraid of what other folks will think. Also, I have realized that no one has ever asked for my opinions on certain subjects either because they do not care about my thoughts or because I do not readily give them.

If I am honest, I tend to keep a smile on my face and be more interested in other folks and ask them about themselves, learn about them, and not even consider what I have to offer on any subject. This is my attempt to think more about myself and be proud of who I am and my feelings and opinions.

Over the next several entries, I plan on giving my opinion on the following topics:

Books
Religion/Spirituality
Politics
Love

Watch out world - here I come!!!! =)

This morning Song of the Day...............Escapade

Well, this morning I woke up with Janet Jackson's Escapade on my mind!

I actually had a dream where I was actually talking with Janet Jackson about her music and how I liked this song.

Bellow are a few of the lyrics:

"Escapade"

As I was walkin by

Saw you standing there

With a Smile

Lookin Shy

You caught my eye

Thought you'd want to hang

For A while

Well I would like to be with you

And you know its Friday too

Hope you can find the time

This weekend to relax and unwind

Kind of an upbeat song and may just be a cue for me to let go of the worry if only for a while!

Music..........Every Morning

I wake up almost every morning with a new tune playing in my head.....I don't know if its gods way of trying to tell me something or a filling in a tooth that tunes in over night when I am sleeping. Yesterday Morning it was "Cowboy Cassanova" by Carrie Underwood. The words to the tune below describe guys I have a tendency to run into and/or develop feelings for. Yet another thing I need to mentally dissect and process about myself. Perhaps I subconsciously am attracted to guys who know they are good looking and have alot of hearts they collect.

A few lines of the lyrics that stuck in my head are below:

You better take it from me
The guy is like a disease
Your running, your tired, your trying to hide
Your wondering why you can't get free
He is like a curse, he is like a drug
You get addicted to his love

My good friend Michele from Columbus asked me to go with her to Carrie's concert last April and when she did this song, she announced that they were going to record this for her video for the song - we are in the audience so I thought it was kinda cool. To have this song be in my head when I awoke yesterday after all this time had me thinking that life could be an intricate woven cloth that we create as we live it - how beautiful the finished product could be if we live our lives to the best of our abilities and learn from our mistakes even through music!

Another Day - - - - - - I Survived

Well - The day started much like it ended, with me overwhelmed and down in the dumps! My friend David called me concerning last night's post and initially was very pissed that I wrote some of the things that I did. He explained that it scared him and we ended up talking about all of the shit that, surprise-surprise, is basically within me. He hit on a nerve when he said that once I know I deserve better and expect better, things will get better. I am thinking he has a good point. Maybe, because I grew up always having my dreams dashed and being pushed aside and overlooked, that I expect that to be the way it is now. Because I expect it, I am making it come to pass! Now its going to be a long process to get to deserving happiness, demanding more for me from people, and giving myself the much needed break that we discussed. He made me see that I will have to concentrate on the basics for awhile of getting through the day and taking care of myself and Roxy and forget the other shit until I am more able to handle it. I am not sure how I will do with it, but, it is a start and cannot hurt to try and get myself through this. I am so glad he took the time to call me and give me hell like only David can do! LOL
Once that conversation was over, I made myself make Tuna Salad and had lunch. I had a tremendous headache, so I took some Tylenol and laid down for a few hours. Once I got up, I showered and got ready and went over to the store. I accomplished so much and worked until about 10 p.m. Sometimes work does take you away from your own problems. I am doing laundry as I type this and plan on getting a good nights sleep, getting up early and finishing laundry, give Rox a bath, clean my room for the million(Th) time, and get ready to leave here around noon. David has sent me money for my trip to Columbus. He does not realize how very generous that was of him or how grateful I am for it. He could never know how much his friendship means to me! I truly think that he is the only person who knows what I am going through or even cares at this point, because he has been there himself and in some respects still is.
I spoke to my sister this evening and I think she is so excited about my visit. Of course, she insisted I tell when I would be at her house, what I wanted to eat, how long I could stay, etc., and I felt like I was being drawn back into the mentality of worrying over the little shit - that is my family! I know I will get through it if I use my sense of humor and keep in my mind it is only a weekend. It is currently snowing and we have about an inch. I am hoping that it lets up and I have no issues traveling to Columbus tomorrow. I think it will be healthy for me to see my family and friends in Columbus. My good friend Michele is having her 50Th Birthday party and she tells me everyone is asking about me. There is a big group of friends that I haven't seen in forever going and it will be great to see them.

I will probably not be able to post to my blog, as I do not have a laptop to take with me! I will definitely be posting on Sunday Night. We shall see...................

A Wasteland................My Life

Well folks, two days in a row........................

Today finds me rather depressed and feeling lonely! I got up as usual and worked in the office to get things organized and caught up. I took a nap in which I had terrible nightmares or day mares as the case was. I have no energy to do anything and I think it is because I am finding everything so overwhelming! Take the below as some examples............

*My Little Gurl - Roxy! I feel like I am going to have no choice but to put her down! I am beginning to think she is in some pain and the pee-ing thing is so out of control. I spend, at least an hour and a half a day cleaning up her many accidents and trying to make sure there is no smell. Everything I have tried has failed. I tried putting a bucket of cleaner in my room to keep up on the messes and to curb the smell. My friend David stated the Ammonia smell was overwhelming, so after investigating - the cleaner has ammonia in it and mixed with her constant puddles makes it really awful. So I got rid of that and just got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the entire floor. I have air freshener out the wazoo in here. She is eating good and only gets one bowl of water a day. She is spry and happy and is playful. I feel like I am being self centered by even thinking about ending her life! She has too short of fur to put outside and I haven't the money to even take her to the vet. I haven't tried diapers but I have a feeling she would just tear them up. I am at my wits end!!! If I put her down, I am completely alone up here!

*Financially, I am struggling to make ends meet! I had to pay storage today which leaves me less then $20.00 in my account and I am supposed to go to Columbus Friday. I have to wait until the 8Th to file for West Virginia unemployment and that's not a given. Have no idea if they would even honor my claim as I only worked 5 and a half months up here. Matt has been wonderful about helping me through and I am sure he would give me a loan or advance or a loan on my upcoming salary, but I am sooo down on myself and feel like such a loser even asking. Thankfully, my friend David bought me lunch at the casino as it turns out - I would have been overdrawn!

*Socially/Romantically - I have decided there is no one for me out there and with how I am feeling, that's a good thing for any perspective romantic partners. Aside from the fact, that this world is full of pretentious, artificial, socially-inept, and sexually driven gay guys, who would want a down on your luck over the hill loser like me. I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but, sadly, it is the truth!

This is the darkest period of my life right now and I have no one to turn to. The only thing I have going for me is having a sound mind and emotional maturity. I feel so totally alone that I am passed even being able to cry about it! If I didn't think it would be the weakest thing to do and would leave my family devastated, I would take an entire bottle of Xanax and go to sleep for good! If Karma is a bitch, what did I do to deserve this???? I have tried to be a good person, take care of people, look at myself objectively and work on my faults, but it doesn't seem that it matters!!! Also, I can't give up because there is no other choice. Maybe I have to just ride it out and take one day at a time, and that is the learning experience I am supposed to learn. It is so hard though, I feel so alone and unloved and like no one gives a shit whether I live or die!

New Year - New me.......................Ya think?

Well folks, One of my resolutions for the new year was to keep blogging. I am finding it is kind of therapeutic and/or thought provoking for me. Actually, it is a way to brain dump and clear out the clutter if you will. Now with all of the self analyzing one does through this, I have found that I am quite lazy. I think about sitting down everyday to go over some of the happenings and such, and decide I am too tired or would rather play some mindless game on pogo. I guess that is my escape. But with thinking about everything that is going on in my life, I have decided that laziness is one of my faults that needs attention.

Now I don't mean physically lazy as I can work long hours doing physical labor, but I am problem lazy. I mean that I am lazy when it comes to problems I could or should handle and address. It could be financially, emotionally, physically, etc. In writing this I am finding that I am lazy when it pertains to me.

I spend so much time being there for other people, my family, my job, some of my friends, that I am finding that those things are all that keep me going. Knowing I can make a difference in other folks life, whether it is to make them laugh, listen to them talk about things that are important to them, make them more comfortable, etc.

Now in changing that one should not stop doing those things because I feel that is important to be there for people, but, one should develop a balance. If I am going to spend x amount of hours on other folks, I should spend x amount of hours on me, bills, future, keeping up on whats happening in the world, working out, quit smoking, take care of my skin better, etc.

Now I know some of these things sound like easy tasks and/or simple things, but, for me, its just doing it and not making excuses for not doing it. Also, I have found that if it is a hard or problematic thing, it is better left alone. I have realized that I have an avoidance issue along with being lazy! I need to take care of this stuff - my god - this is very hard to realize about one's self.

So below is a list of things I want to take care of and/or resolutions to be accomplished. With that said, change does not happen overnight, so I am not going to give up and they may be or will be things that take time, but I feel a renewed sense of energy and initiative to get them addressed. Its like being an alcoholic, in a sense, that you can't change or address an issue, unless you first admit you have a problem. Also, I need to practice what I preach. Today, my friend David felt like he did not hold to his resolutions because he hasn't done anything up to this point since the clock struck 12 on New Years eve. Well, I reminded him that it is still the first of the year, which means it is never too late to start! He kind of looked at me and laughed because he knew I had a point. Now I need to take that and turn it onto myself.

*Begin a cigarette diet - Keep track of how much I smoke each day and cut it down by one each day - until I have none!!! I really want to accomplish this because I am really sick of having this crutch, the smell, the costs, the damage it is doing, etc.

*Start working out daily - I am going to get on the cardio machine with the intention that I will go for as long as I can followed by some arm, chest, and leg weight training, ab exercises, and squats. I am not going to be down on myself if I don't go as long as I think I should or not work out for the mind set 20 minutes to an hour. Just do it and see where it leads.

*Pay off student loan and IRS - This will be throughout the year - but will be looked at and addressed periodically to make sure I am on target and making extra payments.

Those are the major issues I want addressed and now they are in black and white, so it will either be depressing or uplifting, but will be reminder if not anything else.