Even the Outdoor Appliances Are Missing The Warm Weather

Thought this was funny, so I had to share.........

Yesterday...............All my troubles seem so far away!

Yeah Right - LOL Well partially anyway!

Yesterday was a mixed bag of everything! After being up half the night because I went to sleep so early the previous night and lamenting over the latest in my heart condition. Yes I have a heart condition - its call stupidity! I decided that if the walking dead is how I have to live right now, then so be it!

I finally got my ass up and decided to clean my room thoroughly! My pooch, Roxy, has a liver/bladder condition which quite frankly is getting on my last f-ing nerves! So I decided I would pick up her blankets and put them in the wash! (She has a tendency to wake up at the last minute and realizing she has to pee, takes one step off her blanket and lets it rip. Now for a small dog - she has the bladder of an adult person.)

I then opened the door from my room to the outside and told her to get her pissy ass out there while I cleaned. After sweeping the floor and checking on where she is wondering to, I got a bottle of disinfectant floor cleaner and went to work on scrubbing the floor. Once that was done and screaming like white trash at her because she is a block away, I began putting everything back together and went to retrieve my little piss machine. She runs up the steps and I noticed she had wollered in something that looked like mud, but, I bet was a combination of things! I scooped her little piss-ant ass up before she ruined my floor and took her directly to the sink in the laundry room! On my way through my room, I grabbed the Suave because I decided she should look like I spent a fortune on her hair!

After wrestling with her because she presses herself against me like the world is going to end, I was finally able to suds her up, rinse and repeat, and rinse again! I should have just gotten in the shower with her, since I was as wet as she was by the time it was over. I took a towel to her and tried to dry her as much as her wiggling little ass would let me and then proceeded to lay a nice, soft, clean blanket down for her. She promptly walked over to her paper and took another pee! Then she decided she would get in her blanket herself without any assistance from me. At least, I raised an independent pee machine!

Our one guest had checked out, so I figured I would go check on my fish which is still in the old room. Yes - he has his own personal heater still turned on to insure he doesn't become a frozen fillet. After giving him his food, I decided to lug more shit over to my new room and go through it. I found so many bottles of body wash and shower gel from my friend David, that I wondered just how clean he must be! Yee gads - I think he has a shower gel fetish! Just kidding buddy - You know I love ya!

Anyway, just as I was about to jump in the shower, 3 seasonal guests show up. First they were all drunk and drove up the hill which was very disappointing, so I proceeded to take the keys and put them away so they couldn't drive back down the hill as they intended. Then I rented them a room. One of our other new seasonals came up and worked on his cabin. Matt came up to start making pizza's and I finally was able to have some me time and take a nice, long, hot shower.

I then went to the dance hall and played some music and turned on the lights, etc. We had pizza and all was well. I had noticed that 2 of our seasonals began making goo-goo eyes at each other and once again found myself just shaking my head. They disappear to the room that another seasonal had rented while I had to entertain the other two. Finally, they all go back to the room about 8:30 which made for a much needed early night.

I called my sister and we ended up having a great conversation. She picked up on my being a little down and before ya know it, we were laughing our asses off. We were talking about how ironic our lives have been with Love being the huge topic of conversation! She was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe when I told her about the day and the people . When I told her I had decided that I think I should just be single and hold everyone at arms length, she couldn't breathe, she began laughing so hard. I was being quite flippant with her and overly sarcastic about my choice in men, which brought on even more laughter.

Once I got off the phone with her after 2 hours, I decided to catch up on some reading but received a text from this guy whom I had met when I was in Columbus through mutual friends. He and I had never really talked since meeting, but, we had exchanged numbers and e-mail addresses. He texts that for some reason he was thinking about me and decided to send me a text. He also said that he was very shy which was why he was hesitant about reaching out to me. We ended up texting for about an hour before I decided to go to bed. We had a really nice conversation and it felt good to get to know him. As it turns out, he is only about 60 miles from here as he moved home to be closer to his mother who is getting up there in age! We have decided to keep in touch and I think he and I will be friends. He will probably come visit me sometime as I have invited him to come hang out at some point.

This morning, about 7 a.m., I hear someone in the house calling my name. It is one of the seasonal guests that spent the night. He just had to give me blow-by-blow (and I do mean Blow-by blow) about what happened between the 4 of them last night. Being that is was so early and I have a tendency to be less then objective when I first get up, I proceeded to tell him that I did not want to hear it and that I wasn't impressed or intrigued by their tryst. He finally left after hugging me and thanking me for a wonderful time and I could not help thinking about how self centered people can be. Now, granted, I have my issues, but lack of class, integrity, and discretion are not among them thankfully!

With that said, I have decided that I am just going to stay single and enjoy my friends, family, (a few of them anyway), my job, etc., and to hell with the love shit! I have too much to offer folks and love just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I think I have come to terms with that fact and hopefully, that means, I can get back to being me. Enjoying my life, taking it all in stride, avoiding the folks that show interests, because their interest in me is only fleeting! I don't want my bad luck with other men, turn into a trust issue with any potential mates, so I have decided to try and avoid putting myself in the line of fire again. I am going to try and take folks at face value and play dumb if they start flirting or if I even get an inkling that their interest in me may be romantic. Find myself attracted to someone - Run like hell! Trust me - I am learning that - being an "Owner of a Lonely Heart" is much better then being an owner of a broken heart! (See song Lyrics by Yes)

Now it appears I am being bitter, but, actually, I am being honest and realistic. Really, seriously, what "Does love have to do with it?" and it just may be true that "Love Stinks". I know I am on a song lyric kick, but music is truly one of my great loves! And for those past lost loves, check out the lyrics by Mariah Carey to "Someday" and think of me! Again, not being bitter because I could have listed a recently popular song to look at titled "Fuck You" or as the radio stations play it "Forget You"! I would never do that, put aside the fact that I dislike that song with passion!

OK - Enough Already!!!!!

A Roller Coaster of Emotions...................

My life seems to be a roller coaster of sorts these days. One day I am up and OK with everything and the next day, I am sad! Yesterday was no exception! I ended up going into Wheeling with Matt to the Restaurant Supply Store to get things for the Pizza Oven. We then went to lunch at Olive Garden in Highbanks. On the way there, we had to go further on 70 towards Pittsburgh. The different scenery was pretty in some places and I imagined making the trip under other circumstances which got me all melancholy again and thinking about how my heart hurts!

I mean I could not talk to Matt about it because I know he would never understand and thankfully he just thought I was being quiet and never questioned my mood. I had a huge lump in my throat and some of the songs he was playing were very hard to hear. On the way back, the sun was breaking through the clouds in a number of places and the rays were like beams coming down. It was so beautiful and of course, I immediately thought of my "good" friend which just fueled my depression and melancholy mood. The more I thought about things the more sad I became.

When we got back to the mountain, we had a guest that I had to put on a happy face for and give him the grand tour and be all positive. Then I made it through dinner and finally was able to escape to my room. I ended up falling asleep thankfully about 8:30 and, of course, woke up at 3 a.m. even sadder then before. I am overwhelmed with emotion and I felt and continue to feel like crying. The only problem is I feel like if I start crying, I won't stop so I try and push it deep down.

I have even tried to create diversion. I have a few guys that I am chatting back and forth with on facebook and the IPOD and while they offer some sort of diversion, my heart just isn't in it! I am trying to keep busy and get some things done in my room and around the resort, but I feel like the walking dead! Some of the words to the below song "Tears Of A Clown" says some of what I am feeling:

Now if there is a smile on my face

its only there trying to fool the public

Now if I appear to be carefree

Its only to camouflage my sadness

And Honey to shield my pride I try

To cover this hurt with a show of gladness

Now if there's a smile upon my face

Don't let my glad expression

Give you the wrong impression

Don't let this smile I wear

Make you think that I don't care

Then I realized last night that no one has broken my heart but me. I have broken my own heart! Now how fucked up is that? To realize that I have allowed my heart to develop strong feelings knowing that it was not reciprocated and would not be reciprocated. I feel like I had no control of it, yet, here I sit in this turmoil with no one to blame but myself!

A couple of weeks ago, as Brad and I were driving back from taking my mother home to Columbus, he put a CD in and there was a song that I had never heard and the words were so haunting and hit the nail on the head, that I burst out crying. I was driving and he gave me this look and asked me what the hell was wrong. I could not tell him because I am soooo ashamed of myself, so I told him it just reminded me of someone in the past! Then I realized that I did not even have half of these feelings for my ex that I do now, which makes it all even worse!

I continue to try to put this all in perspective and my last blog had it all tied up in a "neat little package", but, guess what? The ribbon fell off, the paper is torn, and I have to find the strength to re-wrap it all back up again.

I have tried to think about all of the negatives I can think of concerning the object of my affection, but, that only gets me through a few minutes! I truly am my own worst enemy - because I caused all of this. The blood is only on my hands and in order to get through it, I hate myself to some degree. Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time and have kept this all to myself and realized what was happening early and really bombarded myself with the negatives or something. As my dad would say "ya can't cry over spilled milk"! Well, papa, I dumped a whole dairy farm and now I am in the middle of it!!!

The only true escape I have is sleep, because when I am asleep I can dream and pretend that it is alright - the hard part is waking up and starting the struggle all over again!

Another Day, Another...............Day!

I am writing this at 6 a.m. as I woke up at 4:30 and could not go back to sleep. This is covering yesterday as I was too damn tired to do this last night.

I feel like I had quite the productive day! I got more stuff moved over to my new room. I actually found a box of winter shoes - or shoes that are actually closed toe - so I won't be going barefoot! I got all of my drawers moved over and some of my summer stuff packed up for next year. I cleaned the Living Room out and got all of the excess furniture thrown away. I actually put it all on the porch and had troy take it all to the trash!

Brad came up to help me load a pic onto my IPod Touch which he surprised me with and gave to me since he got a new one. He actually brought me the docking station, the computer adapter, etc. Matt made us all lunch on our new pizza machine - he actually did breaded veal, cheese sandwiches with sauce - quite yummy out of that sucker!

Once Brad left, I then cleaned the barracks as we have a guest in there this weekend. I also cleaned the Valley View, Corn Crib, and the Mill, followed by the bathroom in the Granary! I got the outside porches swept and salt laid down. It was actually sunny, so a good bit of the snow melted off.

Troy actually made us Dinner using the pizza oven - he made two large pizza's which were quite tasty! The other day, I had made Troy and I lunch using the new pizza oven by making open-faced subs that were quite good if, I say so myself. Suffice it to say, that new oven is getting quite the workout!!! Hell - you can do almost anything in it - we have even baked Potato Skins in that sucker!

Matt and I then hung out while Troy went to their house to relax! We made Root Beer Floats and sat and talked for about an hour in the kitchen! I then went and took a nice long shower, talked on the phone with a few friends and then went to bed! All in all, I kept quite busy! Its funny how you can digest things going on in your life while your doing manual labor!

Moving Ahead......................

Wow - what a difference a day makes! After my last few posts, my good friend and I had a conversation about my feelings for him. After much conversation, I have decided that while I do have strong feelings for him, perhaps it is more about the connection and the fact that I feel closer to him then anyone in my life in such a short period of time. Also, we have so much in common and know each other so well that maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He has stated that he feels closer to me then all of the people in his life and that he values that over all else. I respect his honesty and after talking with him have realized that the strong feelings for him are just that. It doesn't necessarily constitute a romantic attachment of any kind and I am just going to enjoy it for what it is and enjoy him instead of placing any labels on it. If a label must be placed on our relationship, it will be, best friends.



We have had a number of folks pushing us together romantically because they sense the closeness he and I have. I think a number of these folks currently in relationships do not have half the connection he and I have, therefore, they cannot imagine we would not pursue something more. It really shows you, just how folks settle for less then they deserve when it comes to their romantic lives. Probably due to laziness and low self esteem, or it could be for artificial reasons, such as, money, or stability. Suffice it to say, I do not want that type of romantic relationship and neither does he. He feels that he is broken somehow and that maybe he should not be with anyone. I feel that he cuts himself short and is just trying to have the companionship with someone, but, they seem to want to pigeonhole him into the old traditional relationship, which, in his words, just doesn't work for him. I, on the other hand, haven't felt better about myself and what I have to offer and won't settle for what other folks settle for because I know that I would not be happy without the connection and intimacy on all levels. Hence, why I may be making more out of my feelings for him then what we have. Don't get me wrong, If I had to make a choice right this minute and pick someone in my life to be attached to in that way, it would be him, by a long shot!!!!



In order to keep my feet on the ground and make sure I do not allow my heart to want more from him, I have decided to put myself out there for more dating experiences. There have been a number of guys that have wanted to get to know me better and I have met a number of nice guys that I keep in touch with on facebook, through my job, and through friends, that I have not wanted to lead on based on my struggle with my feelings. Now that he and I have decided that we like things the way they are and that he or I are not willing to take a chance on ruining our friendship by introducing a romantic attachment, I have to make sure I keep my feelings in check.



With that said, I have decided to post the second part of an earlier post, that addresses my feelings for him below. This was written before he and I had our heart to heart when I was still struggling with where my heart and head were at concerning him. Some of it is hard to read since it was written in a time of stress for me, but, I also think it needs to be done, to be able to put it all behind me/us. I still feel that way towards him, but now it is geared more towards our close friendship and nothing more.



Here goes:

Now with all of that said............................I have been struggling with my feelings for someone! What makes it tough is that I know myself better then I ever have and I like myself more then I ever have................................and I still feel very strongly for someone that has made it clear he doesn't feel the same way. I have a feeling that we are on a train to a territory unknown and I am excited yet fearful of the destination. I feel a connection to him that is deeper then I have ever felt and it is such an oxymoron in that......................we are close friends and that is a good thing from a partnership perspective.........but it makes it hard in that I would never want that to be ruined. I have tried very hard and continue to fight these feelings knowing he is not on the same page. It certainly hasn't helped that while I am have fought to keep my feelings under wraps, other people keep bringing it up. For example, people that do not even know the two us, have asked me what is going on between us. When I state that we are just friends, they have replied that the way he looks at you is pure/attraction/love. One guest, one weekend, that did not even know either of us, stated what an adorable couple we were. When I replied that we were not a couple, they replied, that isn't what his eyes are saying. When I continued to put them off, they told me that my eyes gave me away also. Needless to say when your fighting your feelings for someone, to have folks say those things, really hurts!

Lets get back to why and what I feel for him and why it is so hard to fight it. First of all, I feel like I have known him my entire life...........he has the same taste in music, he is a romantic like me, he loves to laugh and is very practical in the way he dresses, just like me. He has had some of the same life experiences as me. I have an uncanny ability to know when he needs his solitude as he is a deep thinker....again like me. He has a wide range of friends from different walks of life. He likes to watch the stars and appreciates life's little blessings and sees the beauty in the world. I have had some of the best conversations with him and we both feel comfortable not talking at all sometimes when we are together. I feel so comfortable with him. He is caretaker like me and tends to be taken advantage of like me. He is honest and very independent which I adore. He can be so thoughtful!

Now for some negative attributes! He tends to get depressed, have mood swings, can be very negative about people, and can rant and rave about and go on and on about his friends that get on his nerves and piss him off. He is very set in his ways, can be judgemental and opinionated. As much as I hate to say it - the above is like me also. You may wonder why I see the negatives and still have strong feelings for him...............the answer is................because those attributes as a whole make him into the wonderful man that he is and trying to be. Just like me! he makes me smile and his laugh is like two wine glasses clinking and he has a multitude of laughs. I find myself wanting to help him get through the bad times and get to a more positive place. He can be ornery and is very intelligent! Like me! Granted we both have varying degrees of the above similarities, but I have found that we compliment each other on the above attributes, even the negative ones. I see so much of myself in him and him in me! He is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night - and a number of times in between! Sometimes I am liking how I feel and then it pisses me off when reality hits me and I realize that I feel weak, like a teenage boy, vulnerable, caught between liking what I am feeling because it has been a very long time since I felt this way about anyone, yet being afraid and heartbroken because he has made it clear he does not feel the same way about me. I know I am strong and will get through it! Why am I allowed to feel this way about someone that doesn't feel the same way about me?!!? Why Can't I turn it off!

Now that I have re-read the above, I know that while it is still true, I can gear it towards our friendship. He made alot of sense last night and we had a great conversation and I feel closer then ever to him. AS FRIENDS! I did not like not being able to talk with him about this as we never hold back from each other and its much easier to digest and put into perspective now! Also, I do feel good that its as much his loss as mine and for once I know it was a logical decision and allows us to continue to enjoy each other without the extra stress which neither one of us needs more of in our lives!

Ain't Love Grand.....................or not!!!

Well, after my last entry in which I thought I would write this sooner..............I decided to let my feelings simmer for a while and see if that would change my thoughts on the subject....................just so we are clear - it didn't! Call me what you want, but it seems I am the eternal optimist. Even when my heart aches, I know I am a much stronger person for it!

To summarize where I am at in my life right now, I feel better about who I am as a person then I ever have. As all of us, I know I have my issues, however, I also know that I can truly love someone, be a best friend anyone could hope for, decipher and avoid negative people, be honest with myself and others, have fun and laugh, be realistic and yet positive at same time, and look at things objectively! I have spent so much time tearing myself apart that I failed to see the good things. The last few times I looked at myself in the mirror, I liked what I saw. I am not talking about in the looks department, I have no real complaints with that and feel pretty good about myself physically. I am talking about the eyes (as in window to the soul) and how I feel about who I am and what I have to offer the world as a whole, my family, my friends, and a potential partner/mate.

The partner/mate has been the real kicker in the past and still tends to be the most thought provoking. Suffice it to say, while I have met a few potential partners, the majority of available guys (I use available loosely), have not hit me where my heart is - if ya know what I mean. Also, after being up here in Gay Camp for 6 months, and meeting a large number of gay counterparts, I have realized and am happy to report, that I would be a great partner/mate. Again, I know I have my issues, but I now know that I have a great many good traits for a healthy relationship. I also know why I remain single and, for once, I know it is not due to any negative aspect of me. I feel that I am single because I choose to not settle for less then I deserve or for someone who is going to take me for granted. Honestly, I need someone who can be independent and not possessive of me and jealousy should not be a huge issue. Not because I flirt when I am with someone, which I do not do, but because when I am with someone - I am totally and completely monogamous! Also, there are very few guys that have their shit together enough to want to take a chance with me. Now when I say chance, I believe that once I am with the right partner our odds are definitely in our favor. Lets just say I now trust myself and my feelings and when my heart speaks it will want to be with the one that is most like me. We would be a dynamic couple - and it would because of the two of us - not just me. Its meeting my counterpart and letting him be free to be him. Its having our space but knowing that we would always be there for each other. Its working it all out, helping each other grow, allowing each other the space and time to work through our own personal issues, but not taking it personal when the alone time and separation is needed by one or the other of us. Its being with someone that makes you feel freer then when you are single. Its being with someone that is also your best friend in the world! Its being able to be totally honest with each other without retribution if you always remember that its about their happiness, as well as, yours!

Part two of this has been written but not yet posted and remains in draft until I feel comfortable putting it out here for all the world to see!