I am trying very hard to keep up on making regular entries here!
Today was one of those mixed emotions type days. I woke up this morning in the same melancholy mood from the day before. I am struggling with some emotions that I need to process and decide on my next steps. I have realized that I have always been one of those people that makes a decision about situations and feelings and acts on them. I am experiencing feelings that, one hand are wonderful, but, on the other, are frightening and I am unsure about. I am trying to let things happen the way they are supposed to happen without all of the thought, but, have realized, that I am so afraid of getting hurt. Guess what - I am hurting anyway, so what does it really matter. I should be glad that I can feel anything at all right now, but, that is small consolation when your desires and needs are not being fulfilled and there is a good possibility that they may not ever be! There is a song out now that states "I would rather be able to feel hurt then nothing at all" and I am wondering if that is true.
It has been very hard for me to be here at camp and feel a sort of kinship with the other folks here. While I am gay, I am turned off by some of the things that go on here and sometimes it makes me feel very negative about ever finding my place in life or anyone to share it with. This is really not my feeling insecure or anything. While I know I will always have things to work on, I am feeling really good about myself. I would be one hell of a great boyfriend and life partner! My problem is I always find myself attracted to the wrong type of guy and usually it is one that doesn't even know I exist from a romantic perspective. I have so many people tell me that I am such a good friend, which makes me feel good on one hand, on the other? Is that all I will ever be to people? Why is it that I can see someones wonderful qualities and also the bad ones that just get on my last nerves, and still want to be with them? Does anyone else out there see both ends of the spectrum in me and still want to be with me? Am I the only gay man left that doesn't need perfection?!?
While I feel good about myself, my future, and the track I am on, it is an awfully lonely place. Its not that folks do not find me attractive - I think they do - I just wonder if they are afraid that they would have to actually work at building a strong relationship with me. I am finding that other gay men have a tendency to go for the easy route. One in which they just have to show up. One in which they do not have to share, be faithful, and accept someone for their good traits and their bad. I am finding a number of gay men wear rose-colored glasses - and god forbid if anyone challenges them to take them off. At times, it seems it is all about sex and the next conquest! And if I am with that special someone, will it be enough for us to be committed to one another only?
I cannot count how many couples are into casual sex outside the relationship! Its almost like, I know he is going to cheat, so why not allow it as long as I know whats going on. Whatever happened to good ole fashioned monogamy?! What happened to being intimate, on all levels, and looking to your partner to fulfill those needs? Maybe working together to get through the tough times and enjoy the good? Maybe spicing up your sex lives in ways that require you to think outside the box, without involving a third party?? As for the single gay man? A good number of them want immediate gratification - Lets see how many guys we can bed this weekend!! I want your body - not your mind!!!
So, even if I meet someone that I am attracted to, and interested in getting to know, will they look past their physical attraction to me for more? Or will they have a list of unrealistic requirements that require no work on their part? Will they want an "open" relationship because they want their cake and eat it also?
I have read and re-read the above, and I know it sounds like a bunch of mixed up feelings. I have so much more to ponder that I am now just too tired to address, but I just needed to start somewhere and get the thoughts out on the blog!
Part of me has such a positive outlook and hopes about this place and a few folks I have met. The other part of me is wondering if I should just pack up all of my stuff and go home? I feel like I don't fit in with the gay world or the straight world! And if there is a special person here, will he ever see whats right in front of him? Will he break my heart? Will he discard me as a romantic partner for shallow reasons? Will I not meet ALL of his requirements? Will he run hot and cold and leave me guessing forever? OR..........................Will we have an honest, committed relationship? Will we enjoy each other and be there for each other? Will we support each other through thick and thin? Will we build a life together and make the necessary sacrifices all relationships have to make? Will we grow old together and look back and laugh about the early days?
Hows that for wishful thinking??????
I place for me to vent, ponder, and dissect my deepest thoughts and opinions without retribution or judgement!
Although I met one of the most passionate loves here at camp, I don't put a lot of stock or expectation in meeting anyone here. This is a job for me, like you, and if you can meet some great life-long friends, that's all the better.
ReplyDeleteI have changed over the years. Going from 20 years of relationships to my current situation of having two businesses and living with my Dad, I know that I am not capable of the type of relationships that I once had. Rather, I have to find a new type that fits into my life with the time that I have and the amount of committment I am able/willing to give... and I'm not sure exactly what that is yet or how it works (or if I even need all of it any more).
A friend of mine has a Husky and it has a wire run over the span of the yard that it gets attached to with a leash. If you detach the lead at the wire and just have the leash around it's neck, dragging on the ground, it doesn't know any better and continues along the path... but if you detach the leash, it runs away. I can relate. Just because I have been on the relationship path for 20 years and it is the direction that I always go, or mold a situation into, maybe I was never meant to be chained.. or maybe being on the chain isn't where I should be at this point. So I meet someone, and try to force it down that road and I don't have the endurance, or sometimes the belief, to follow through with that path... secretly wanting less or not willing to waiver from my current life's path and make concessions after a path of relationship destruction behind me as a result. Maybe I'm too jaded or maybe I haven't met the right person... or maybe I'm so used to making all the concessions.
In the meantime... I am lonely sometimes... I miss a relationship... I like being single... I am happy in solitude, etc... a mixed up bunch of feelings... so it's better that I either stay away from relationships altogether or, as I have done in the past, go for relationships that I know won't work. And the friends that I have made along the way, I wouldn't trade for an attempt at passionate love... because the love for my friends is much deeper than I'd ever have for another at this juncture.
I'm glad that you haven't lost that desire for more, and I hope you find it. In the meantime, I am here for you in what turned out to be one of the sweetest things of the season for me... our friendship. You're like the sister that I never had and wanted to pull the head off her baby doll. :)