I have realized that there has been a struggle going on inside me for quite sometime! Its like an argument between my heart and my head.....the logical and illogical........my soul and my brain.....my conscious and subconscious!!!
I have been struggling with intense feelings for someone and while I thought it would get better over time, it doesn't seem to be! I have no idea why I am feeling the way I am feeling for this person...............I am pissed and angry with myself. I ask God to show me why I feel the way I do...........What is the purpose?
I know it is not reciprocated and I have reminded myself of that a thousand times!!! I think about him 100 times a day and get so angry with myself when I realize what I am thinking! The first thing I think about in the morning is him.........STOP..........then I go outside and see a beautiful sunrise and think of him...............STOP..............then I see something on TV that I want to share with him...................STOP.......................then someone will say something to me about something and I think what would he think.................STOP............................someone will show interest in me and I compare them to him....................STOP...................I will be close to falling asleep, not even thinking about anything to do with him and suddenly he is there................its like a constant battle between my heart and my head!
I have had dreams where I am living with him in a house I have never seen - doing mundane things! On a camping trip where we got lost in the woods and we ended up laughing at ourselves! Sitting having coffee in the morning and reading on a patio I have never seen! Having dumb arguments where we realize how trivial the argument is and one of us will crack up! Now - why in the hell am I having dreams of this nature? It is pissing me off!!!
My head will say "he is not interested" and my heart will say "that's bullshit"! My heart says "there is a reason for why I feel this way and that we are connected whether we like it or not" and my head says "that's your grandiose ideas"! My head says "get over it already" and my heart says "never"! My head picks out all of his faults and my heart list all of his great attributes!
Now I know he has moved on and doesn't think about me in that capacity - he is dating other folks, etc., and I think "cool - maybe this will convince me" and it doesn't - my heart will say things like "he just hasn't realized yet" and my head says "no - you just believe in this love shit"! My heart says "there is a reason why you feel the way you do about him" and my head responds "Yeah - your a glutton for punishment"!
I have always been very objective about myself and other folks and quite logical about love! I feel that you have develop a solid foundation and friendship with someone for love to last! He is the opposite in some respects. For example, he has fallen for folks real fast and it can burn real bright and then go out! I take a long time to fall in love with someone and once I am there - my heart takes no prisoners! He is either your friend or your lover - and never should the two meet! Is is possible that subconsciously I think he has it all wrong and I am waiting for him to catch up?!?
He has done nothing to help these feelings along......he has been a good friend and has been honest...............Do you realize how foolish I feel? How much my pride has suffered because I know he knows?
The good part of this is that I am not taking his lack of interest personally! I know I am trying to be a good person. I know I am honest, loving, compassionate, caring, attractive, a good listener, have a wide range of interests, etc. I am outgoing, have a good sense of humor, have integrity, etc. I have my faults and I am very upfront and honest about them. I do not play games, tell you exactly how I feel and I can apologize when I know I am wrong! Is it possible that in my heart and my head I know "I would be the best thing that ever happened to him"?!? And him me??!? Is it that in my gut I know "We would be absolutely dynamic together"?!? Will it take an act of god for one or the both of us to "wake up" and "smell the coffee"!? Is this happening to me in preparation for something yet to happen or come in my life?!?
There has to be some reason why these feelings are not going away! I am waiting for my heart and my head to get on the same wave length - hurry up already!
I place for me to vent, ponder, and dissect my deepest thoughts and opinions without retribution or judgement!
So happy to see you writing and I love your new design. So bright and cheerful, it gives me hope that Spring is surely just around the corner!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some wise words of advice for you, my new-found friend, and this painful situation in which you find yourself. All I can really do is tell you some of my thoughts, and lend you all the support that I can.
Whoever said that "Love is a many splendored thing," was delusional. Love is as painful and cruel, as it is beautiful and extraordinary. Unrequited love, in and of itself can be exceptionally heartbreaking,and as you have pointed out,can take over every waking moment, even creeping into your dreams.
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There is some good information out there on line on the topic, and it's actually not too bad; some of it suggests the following:
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Understand the reasons why he doesn't feel the same way. Understanding the reasons for the unrequited love will help you to move past the situation and get over him.
Accept the fact that he doesn't feel the same way about you. If you continue to believe that there is a chance he will eventually love you, you will never move on.
Stay positive. Don't let this situation cause you to have bitter feelings toward finding someone who loves you.
Get your mind off of him. Spend more time with friends and family, and surround yourself with those who love and care about you.
Keep busy. Throw yourself into your work or hobbies. If you don't have any hobbies there are plenty to choose from so it won't be difficult finding one.
Focus on your future. Nobody has ever moved forward by constantly looking back. Focusing on your future will make you take your focus off him.
Go out on dates. It may be difficult at first but the worst that could happen is that you meet someone you like to hang out with. You never know, you may meet someone you really like that feels the same way about you.
Check out a good self help book in the science isle. You will learn, through logical reasoning that "unrequited love" is actually nothing more than chemicals in your brain behaving poorly and failing to function correctly.
Move on with your life .Use the logical reasoning skills you now know and realize that the only thing you had to look forward to, a meeting or phone call from the one you "loved", is pointless in regard to a love relationship.
Realize if the person you love needed or wanted you they would probably have some desire to be with you and that desire would have already shown you enough reciprocation to stop you from trying to get over the love.
Ask yourself, "Why would I want to be with anyone who doesn't love me back?" You deserve better. You may discover you are repeating a pathology, clinging to someone who doesn't appreciate you in an effort to win approval from past experiences.
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I know this is all a lot, but when you are having the feelings you are having, and going through what you are dealing with every day, having some actual steps to take, something to focus on and to work towards to move forward, is so much more helpful than words of understanding or even encouragement, for a relationship that may never come to fruition.
I thnk we have all been in your shoes at some point in life and I know your pain; I can also tell you that you can get past this and move on; my wish for you is that all of this will soon be a distant memory and you will have peace of mind. No potential relationship is worth this much pain.
Love yourself enough to let go and move on, however you can, so that you can be totally open to that person who comes along, who will be your soulmate. There is a perfect man who has been waiting for you all of their life. Believe. ;)