Emotions.........are taking me over!

I am trying very hard to keep up on making regular entries here!

Today was one of those mixed emotions type days. I woke up this morning in the same melancholy mood from the day before. I am struggling with some emotions that I need to process and decide on my next steps. I have realized that I have always been one of those people that makes a decision about situations and feelings and acts on them. I am experiencing feelings that, one hand are wonderful, but, on the other, are frightening and I am unsure about. I am trying to let things happen the way they are supposed to happen without all of the thought, but, have realized, that I am so afraid of getting hurt. Guess what - I am hurting anyway, so what does it really matter. I should be glad that I can feel anything at all right now, but, that is small consolation when your desires and needs are not being fulfilled and there is a good possibility that they may not ever be! There is a song out now that states "I would rather be able to feel hurt then nothing at all" and I am wondering if that is true.
It has been very hard for me to be here at camp and feel a sort of kinship with the other folks here. While I am gay, I am turned off by some of the things that go on here and sometimes it makes me feel very negative about ever finding my place in life or anyone to share it with. This is really not my feeling insecure or anything. While I know I will always have things to work on, I am feeling really good about myself. I would be one hell of a great boyfriend and life partner! My problem is I always find myself attracted to the wrong type of guy and usually it is one that doesn't even know I exist from a romantic perspective. I have so many people tell me that I am such a good friend, which makes me feel good on one hand, on the other? Is that all I will ever be to people? Why is it that I can see someones wonderful qualities and also the bad ones that just get on my last nerves, and still want to be with them? Does anyone else out there see both ends of the spectrum in me and still want to be with me? Am I the only gay man left that doesn't need perfection?!?
While I feel good about myself, my future, and the track I am on, it is an awfully lonely place. Its not that folks do not find me attractive - I think they do - I just wonder if they are afraid that they would have to actually work at building a strong relationship with me. I am finding that other gay men have a tendency to go for the easy route. One in which they just have to show up. One in which they do not have to share, be faithful, and accept someone for their good traits and their bad. I am finding a number of gay men wear rose-colored glasses - and god forbid if anyone challenges them to take them off. At times, it seems it is all about sex and the next conquest! And if I am with that special someone, will it be enough for us to be committed to one another only?
I cannot count how many couples are into casual sex outside the relationship! Its almost like, I know he is going to cheat, so why not allow it as long as I know whats going on. Whatever happened to good ole fashioned monogamy?! What happened to being intimate, on all levels, and looking to your partner to fulfill those needs? Maybe working together to get through the tough times and enjoy the good? Maybe spicing up your sex lives in ways that require you to think outside the box, without involving a third party?? As for the single gay man? A good number of them want immediate gratification - Lets see how many guys we can bed this weekend!! I want your body - not your mind!!!
So, even if I meet someone that I am attracted to, and interested in getting to know, will they look past their physical attraction to me for more? Or will they have a list of unrealistic requirements that require no work on their part? Will they want an "open" relationship because they want their cake and eat it also?
I have read and re-read the above, and I know it sounds like a bunch of mixed up feelings. I have so much more to ponder that I am now just too tired to address, but I just needed to start somewhere and get the thoughts out on the blog!
Part of me has such a positive outlook and hopes about this place and a few folks I have met. The other part of me is wondering if I should just pack up all of my stuff and go home? I feel like I don't fit in with the gay world or the straight world! And if there is a special person here, will he ever see whats right in front of him? Will he break my heart? Will he discard me as a romantic partner for shallow reasons? Will I not meet ALL of his requirements? Will he run hot and cold and leave me guessing forever? OR..........................Will we have an honest, committed relationship? Will we enjoy each other and be there for each other? Will we support each other through thick and thin? Will we build a life together and make the necessary sacrifices all relationships have to make? Will we grow old together and look back and laugh about the early days?

Hows that for wishful thinking??????

Purely For Laughs

Plus or Minus - You Decide

Second entry - I am getting good at this! LOL


Today's Topic - When it comes to romance, what is considered a plus and what is considered a minus in the Gay world?

I can only speak for myself, but it seems that some of my counterparts (other gay men), make snap judgements and/or draw conclusions in a negative way based on their assumptions about an individual. This is done probably very spontaneously and can mean automatically being eliminated as a romantic/sexual prospect. I am a true case in point and below I have decided to list, what I think are my plus/minus traits, etc. I am going to be as honest with myself as I can - how does one grow if they can't look at themselves objectively!!!


Lets start with the plus (+) side:



Fairly decent looking - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Italian/german decent - Look Italian

Very People Oriented

Considerate

Thoughtful

Sense of Humor

Sentimental

Modest

Faithful

Monogamous

Loyal

Protective

Try to be sensitive to others

Love to Laugh

Try to be Positive in outlook and actions

Down to Earth

Love all kinds of Music

Laidback

Practical

Doesn't take a lot to make me smile

Tan

A few Good friends

Caretaker

Wear my heart on my sleeve - (learning to not do it with folks who will take advantage of it)

Honest - Some people do not like honesty and I have to admit - I can be blatant in this regard!

Objective

Open to Constructive Criticism

Good Hygiene

Good Housekeeper - (when I have to be or you piss me off!)

Hate Drama/Commotion

Hate large Crowds

Love the outdoors

Will try almost anything once

Believe in the Christian Values of all encompassing Love/goodness. Reason for everything, etc. (Some of you may consider this a weakness and thats ok)

A respect for all things living - except Snakes and Spiders - which I will not kill unless they are in my way - hehehehe!

Passionate/Very Sexual - (Not many folks know this about me as I am very choosy about who gets to experience my sexual side) Can also be viewed as a weakness in my lifestyle especially!!!

Time to look at the Minus (-) Side:


Self Effacing

Insecure - at times!

Judgemental - (mostly in my head and trying to curb that tendency)

Opinionated - (another one I am trying to work on)

Sensitive - too much sometimes!

Self-centered - (who else could make a list of this nature)

Can be a unhealthy eater

Smoker

15 pounds over-weight - (although I like meat to go with my potatoes personally!)

Blatantly Honest

Too affectionate at times - to folks not comfortable with my touchy/feely personality

Mister Know-it-all - (Yes - I said it - and I know its something that I need to work on)

Being Misunderstood

Financially - Living on a shoestring

Do not drive a fancy car nor do I want to.

Could care a less about fashion

Hate to Cook

Hate to decorate!

Avoidance Tendencies - If its not broke don't fix it attitude!

Don't believe in organized Religion

Believe in some of the christian values of all encompassing love/goodness, etc. (This was listed under strengths also - some people have treated me like I have grown a second and third head on this one which is why I listed it as a weakness also!

Now I realize that some of the items I have listed as plus's, are seen by some, as minus's and thats ok. Some of my minus's can also be seen by some as plus's.

The conclusion I am drawing after re-reading this and adding to both the Plus and minus columns, is that I am not such a bad guy! Also, it is all relative and is dependant on other folks opinion of me - its all about choices and likes from individual to individual. The bottom line is I want to always look at myself objectively and try to be the best person I can be! I am concentrating on being Mister Right instead of looking for it - the right guy will come along - and if not, I will enjoy my friends and those that matter to me!

More later......................................

Age - The Next Generation!

Ok - this is my first real entry and attempt to get things off my chest on a daily basis. Today's Topic? What the F**k is up with these guys my age wanting guys half our age or younger??!!

I was working in the office and received a phone call from someone wanting a reservation to stay with us. He seemed very pleasant and started flirting with me over the phone. Now I am no stranger to this working for a Gay resort, so I just went with it and laughed at the appropriate times, etc. At one point during the conversation he asked me how old I was. I told him and he proceeded to tell me that I was way too old for him and he liked guys 18 to 25. Now this is a person that is mid 40's and sight unseen, automatically discounted me as being too old. Now I know I am probably only a 6 on a scale from 1 to 10, but I look as good if not better then some folks more then half my age! I try to be caring, compassionate, friendly, loving, understanding, a good listener, affectionate, and I have been told that I have a good sense of humor. I am ok with it as, more and more, I think to myself that its more their loss then mine, but it can still be frustrating sometimes.

Now, honestly, I could give a shit whether or not he liked me or not, however, it did remind me of how unfair some people can be and shallow. Yes - I said shallow! I know that sounds judgemental and to each his own and all that, but this is my blog so I can say what the fuck I want to say!

It irritated me because I feel like a professional athlete who is at the top of his game and is never given the chance to play because the other players feel threatened, are insecure, and just plain LAZY! So, while I was taking a nap today (as us old men like to do sometimes), I began mentally trying to figure out why someone my age would want someone half his age (or more)! I like to try and see things from other folks point of view and ponder these type of things sometimes (for better or for worse) and below are some of the possible reasons for this as I was drifting off to a dream world where I do not have so many minus points against me. (I will cover minus points in my next blog!)

Below are some of the possible reasons why middle aged men (yes I said it) would want someone half their age: (I have tried to be as fair as possible)

NOTE - SOME OF THESE ARE RELATED TO EACH OTHER and SOME OF YOU MAY FALL UNDER ALL OF THESE CATEGORIES!

*You are trying to pretend you are younger then you actually are! You just can't stand the fact that you are getting older physically and having a young guy on your arm helps you be eternally young (If only in your head).
**My answer: If this is you, GROW THE FUCK UP! We all get older and while this may delay you dealing with the age issue - it will still come biting you in the ass eventually, so you might as well face it now!

*Dating someone so much younger is an ego trip! If someone younger wants to spend time with you, its like a validation that you are still an attractive, vibrant, interesting individual, who can still kick it with the big dogs (younger guys are the big dogs - in this example).
**My answer: If you have to look to other folks - especially the younger generation - for the above reason - then you should be able to get that validation from yourself! I mean - come on - at our age - we should be at a point where we KNOW we are vibrant, attractive, interesting people. Yeah - yeah - I know the we are all insecure sometimes and have some luggage from life experiences - but looking to the younger generation for this validation only adds to that baggage!

*Dating a younger guy allows you to hide your baggage! Younger guys do not care that you have it - they may even think its endearing - or they may be too inexperienced to see that some of your baggage is really a big RED flag! (If they see your baggage at all!)
My answer: Be honest with yourself and deal with your baggage and red flags yourself. Better yet - and you might want to sit down for this - find someone more age appropriate who might be able to help you sort it out, figure it out, and put it behind you. Us older gents are much more understanding and can help you be more honest with yourself, so that you can actually grow as a person! WOW - what a concept!

*Younger guys are much more sexually exciting! They want to have sex a lot and at any time! You may even not have to do anything but get an erection - hmmm - could this be another reason - your lazy and with a younger guy they think all sex is good - so no pressure on you at all! I have to be honest here - I think some younger guys are very hot - and I may even buy a ticket to ride the kiddy ride now and again - but its nothing like the thrill of the big roller coasters for lasting excitement!
**My Answer: There is a huge misconception that middle aged guys can settle or do not want sex very often. Speaking only for myself - and some of you may be able to relate - I am just hitting my peak - if there is such a thing! I could have sex 4 times a day every day and at the very least once a day! Younger guys are not as experienced as us and in some cases can't last as long! Some younger guys have no idea what true intimacy is and/or can't even give you the definition. I love making my partner feel good and spend my time concentrating on them as opposed to myself - and yes - I am gonna say it - I can get off by the thought of pleasing someone other then myself! Also, as far as fun goes, I love to laugh and play while enjoying each others bodies! Nothing is better then feeling a connection with someone and spending time enjoying each other physically! Try to actually make love with a younger person - and 9 times out of 10 - it involves acting like a rabbit and getting off in 2 minutes!

Ok - I am sure I could come up with a few more reasons why middle aged men want younger men! My point - and here is another new concept for ya - don't look at age at all - try getting to know someone - even if you think initially they would not be your type - or if your one of those folks who make snap judgements based on age or any other factor - QUIT BEING SO SHALLOW! We all have things we are working on in our lives - whether it be age, family, health issues, bad habits, bad experiences, etc. If your allowing these things to stop you from enjoying people - that's a sad estate of affairs - and if that's the case - leave me behind and go for the Youngens!

Stepping down off my soap box for now.................................................

Just seeing how this works!