Another Day In The Life.................

Well I have had the last few days off and for the most part I have slept, read, and watched True Blood.

This past weekend was slow as we only had a dozen guests. We had a bonfire in the short term parking and a Hayride in the new wagon which was very cool. I created a room cleanliness checklist and some organized information for our cleaning guy who has been struggling with getting it all done. He says it was awesome to have it this week.

This coming weekend is going to be busier then we have expected. It is always nice to get back to work after having a few days off. It gives me the structure that I miss during those times I am off.

The maintenance guy and his assistant have made great progress on the new deck addition and they are ready to put the floor on tomorrow. Mark has been working diligently on cleaning up the landscaping and trimming trees.

As for me, I think I am going through some sort of depression along with the anxiety. I do not have the energy to do some cleaning that I need to get done. I am very lonely a lot and can't wait until folks get here. Then it never really helps when I have to be by myself! I truly am my own worst enemy at times. I wish I could find the inner happiness and look at my cup as half full, as opposed to, half empty. I also have a negative streak that really pisses me off sometimes. It doesn't help that everyone thinks I have my shit together and really do not need anyone or anything from anyone. When you are strong, you cease to exist! I would love to just curl up with someone and truly relax! Maybe someday that will happen!!!

Ok - enough bullshit for one night....................

Dragon Fly.................In Abundance

Today was a day like most others with few exceptions. First of all, I was more productive then I have been in quite sometime in my job. My anxiety was at a minumum and I was able to get all of the normal weekend activities done today that would normally take the entire weekend!

Some changes are occurring up on the mountain besides the fact that the leaves are starting to turn and become more noticeable every day.

Our maintenance guy and his helper have broken ground on the deck extension on the Town Hall. It will marry all of the decks and is going to be huge! The one great loss I can see in this effort is that they had to cut down one of the trees that was closest to the gym area which used to be Torso. I actually counted the rings and it was over 30 years old. Can you imagine the changes that it has seen over the years??? It more then likely started out in the middle of open land watching the cattle meander to watching the birth of the campground and more and more people happening by. Now, it has been killed to allow more room for modernization. It is sad in one respect, however, it will be used for many campfires to come.

Then, after dinner, Matt calls me over to the Town Hall area and the look on his face was one of wonder and amazement. Once I got over there, I realized why. There were literally hundreds of these huge Dragon Flies flying all over and around us, not once touching us. They were flying in and out of our bodies in a figure eight type pattern. I was so enthralled, I pulled out my handy Iphone and did a search on dragon fly swarms. To my amazement, it is actually part of their migratory pattern to swarm different areas on their way to warmer climates. Also, there are some findings that they bring tidings of good things to come or Good Luck as some folk call it. As soon as I heard that, it struck me what I am most excited about today.

I had a meeting with the Facebook Advertising Group and we will be the one and only Gay Resort and Campground advertised on users home pages. We will be targeting all Men Seeking Men in the US and Canada which totals over 880,000 men letting them know about this place. If a user clicks on the ad, they will be taken directly to our web site which we have replaced with a more updated and user friendly web site.

Perhaps the Dragon Fly swarm is a sign of wonderful things to come.

Now I am sitting on the porch, while my adopted cat eats. I should say she has adopted me. She usually only stays over at the Guesthouse area, but, tonight she must have heard me over at the store and came running over there. She escorted me back to the house to get her food constantly stopping to make sure I wasn't far behind.

Life is pretty damn good about now!

Panic Disorder - Not For The Weak!

Ok its been a while since I have written - quite sometime as a matter of fact!

Well, now that I purchased a laptop with alot of assistance from my Best Friend David (www.anothermilemarker.blogspot.com) I can write pretty much anywhere on the mountain! Right now, I am sitting on the porch listening to the night insects as I write about a topic that I could never feel comfortable putting into words.

Panic Disorder - Panic disorder is an anxiety disorder that causes repeated, unexpected attacks of intense fear. These attacks may last from minutes to hours.
The symptoms can vary and can include the following:

With panic disorder, at least four of the following symptoms occur during an attack:

Chest pain or discomfort

Dizziness or faintness

Fear of dying

Fear of losing control or impending doom

Feeling of choking

Feelings of detachment

Feelings of unreality

Nausea or upset stomach

Numbness or tingling in the hands, feet, or face

Palpitations, fast heart rate, or pounding heart

Sensation of shortness of breath or smothering

Sweating, chills, or hot flashes

Trembling or shaking

I began having these attacks around the age of 13 and they lasted for about 7 years. At that time, I attributed them to the changes in my home life, my having to quit school and go to work fulltime, my struggle with my sexuality, etc. Then they abruptly stopped for a number of years until I was at the age of 29. I attributed them this time to almost dying from severe hemoraghes and subsequent emergency surgery for a digestive disorder. They lasted about 6 to 7 more years and then I was able to find a medication that basically saved my life.

I have went to numerous doctors and have had numerous tests on my heart, lungs, blood, etc. I went to therapy for many years and finally found a pychiatrist that knew there was a blood test that could evaluate the chemicals that my brain was producing and he found that my brain only produces about 15% of the normal amount of serotonin.

I have since learned that these kind of disorders are prevelant in my family throughout the generations. I believe my Father, and 3 of my brothers, have suffered from them as they were alcoholics which was the way they found to self-medicate. Thankfully I did not go that route. Also, my mother has suffered from them in many forms. My sisters and 1 brother are mostly obsessive-compulsive. I always noticed that the majority of my family are very negative and I have strived to overcome that negativity.

I am in a period of time in which I am struggling with them again. My medical doctor has increased my medicine which I believe has assisted some, but, every day is a struggle. Its a struggle because I refuse to give into not living to avoid the attacks. I have learned to cope with them better and I am less ashamed of having the issues. I have met numerous folks up here on the mountain who suffer from them also and understand.

The toughest part is those that do not understand. I recently explained the condition to my best friend and he seems to want to try to understand and has let me know that while he doesn't relate, he can relate to depression and the mind's ability to make your life hell sometimes.

I feel I needed to put this into words to be out in the open with myself and others. I believe having this condition has made me more understanding of other folks and their problems. If one person can benefit from my words then it was not for nothing.

I will be updating the topic periodically as I struggle to work through this once again. Until then, stayed tuned for my newest blog subject which will be titled "You can't make this shit up" (The life and times at Roseland Resort and Campground) This alone should keep me busy for quite sometime.

Thanks for reading and take care!

Life is worth living!!!!!

Well, alot has happened since the last time I have written! Easter was fun up here on the mountain - we had an Easter egg hunt and you haven't lived until you have seen queers hunting for eggs - lol. I will posting some pics from that weekend soon.

Subsequently, we had singles weekend right after Easter and a good time was had by all - I can't believe how many folks actually were here! We all had a good time although I did not get much sleep!

My favorite part of the last couple of weeks has been connecting with one of our single seasonals up here on the mountain! His name is Jimmy and while I have known him since last year, we have never really talked until Friends and Family weekend. We found that we have so much in common, it is downright scary! He is a caregiver like me, is always so even tempered and happy, loves to laugh and truly looks at his cup as half full, as opposed to half empty!

We have spoken on the phone for a few hours every day since friends and family! We have had some awesome conversations and never run out of things to talk about. He is so sweet and attentive and is not afraid to tell me how he feels about me! It is so great to connect with someone at a point in my life when I feel good about myself! Some of the things he says to me has me tearing up as it is so heart felt!

I can already tell that he can be so romantic and sentimental like I am. We have talked about our past relationships and what we learned from them. We just want to let things happen spontaneously and not think or analyze our feelings to death. We want to just be honest with each other and let things progress naturally.

With that said, we have our first official date this coming Saturday night. After I get off work on Saturday night, I am going to go shower and then he and I are going to mingle with the guests for about a half hour. Then we are going to go to his camper and watch a movie. He is supplying the champagne and I am supplying the Strawberries. He is supplying the movie and I am supplying the pizza. LOL

He asked me to bring Roxy up as he doesn't feel right leaving her in the room while we are up at his place relaxing. I told him that she would be fine as she is used to me working long hours, but he insists that she should be with us. I think that is very sweet of him and appreciate him thinking about things that are important to me. When I told him how special that was, he reminded me that I treat him the same way. That I am also very attentive and listen to him and how amazing he thinks I am also.

We shall see what happens, but, for once, I am not worried, scared, or uncomfortable at all! I told him that I hope I do not fall asleep on him after working long hours on Friday and Saturday. He replied that he did not care at all, as long as we were together and it would actually make him feel good if I felt that relaxed and comfortable with him. WOW - not used to that at all - actually putting a positive twist on a possibility that many other guys would be offended about.

Tonight I texted him after I settled for the night to tell him good night and he replied that "wouldn't it be nice to just watch TV together and have snacktime". He doesn't require that there always be something to do or that I entertain him or stroke his ego! Who knows what may transpire between us - I look forward to finding out!

Its these special connections and occurrences that make life worth living!

A Beautiful Morning......

Well, after writing about 4 blogs last night, I think I am now kinda hooked! I am sitting here at the picnic table by the hot tub looking put over the mountains and valleys and the sun is just behind the clouds. I can see the rays shooting down through the clouds and it is just so beautiful, I just had to write about it! Everything is turning so green and the smell of freshly cut grass is in the air. I can hear the birds all singing and there is a light breeze. The trees are all in bloom and flowers are sprouting up everywhere. I am actually writing this on my IPod Touch and it's not as hard as you would think! It's great to feel the sun in my face and it's great to be alive! I am so grateful for what I have and this is what it's all about! I always want to look at my cup as half full, as opposed to, half empty! We have a choice as to whether we are going to be happy! It's tough sometimes, but, it's morning like this that make life worth living!!!

Friends and Family...........What it is all about!!!

Last weekend was Friends and Family or (Co-Ed) weekend! Below are some pictures that tell it all.........

This one is one of my favorites as it is of me and my best friend David and the first picture I have ever had with him:












A few with My Mother and Sister:

Love Does Conquer All...........Sometimes!

Last year towards the end of November, one of the seasonals came to me and asked me if they could discuss something with me. Of course, I replied that they certainly could talk to me about anything.

He went on to say that he was deeply in love with someone and was very concerned that it would not end well. The reasoning being that he lived in Pittsburgh and his love lived in Columbus. They get along famously although they do not see each other often. They were texting back and forth, talked on the phone when they could, and saw each other periodically. His love had his life in Columbus and he had his life in Pittsburgh and he couldn't see that either one were going to give up their perspective lives to mesh theirs together.

Now being the hopeless romantic that I am, I expressed that I felt he should just wait and let it play out. That if they were meant to be, love would find a way!

Well, I haven't seen him all Winter long and he finally came back to camp. The first day, he came to me and told me that, although he did not want to upset his loves life, and did not want to give up his life in Pittsburgh, that his love came to him and wanted to uproot and move to Pittsburgh. He never pushed for that, nor did he ever mention that, and things worked out. They are working together to get his love moved and his love did not have to give up his job as his company has branches in Pittsburgh very close to where they will be living.

I told him I was so excited for them and that I knew it would work out as I had told him the previous fall. He thanked me and added that had it not been for the good advice I had given him, he would have probably ruined what is a great thing for both of them.

I cannot tell you how wonderful that made me feel. Not to mention the fact, that it gave me hope for a bright future with someone, regardless of the circumstances I find myself in working here at Roseland.

With all of the heartache and trials we experience as Gay men, there is always hope. I realized that, sometimes, you should just let things simmer and let them work out instead of trying to make them work out. Who knows, sometimes the best things come to those who wait!!!!