Thanks David!

It worked! See below.................

From Being Idle to American Idol

Well, I have been up on this mountain going on 11 months and this winter has been full off many challenges! One of the most recent challenges has been feeling guilty when I am not busy every day! Currently, I do not have a set schedule and basically work Friday (about 8 hours), Saturday (about 10 hours) and Sunday (about 6 hours).

Today, we had the cook in cleaning out the storage area that the new "Male Pouch" store is going in. The Cleaning person (Michael) was updating cabins and Gil who was cleaning out air conditioning units and helping Michael. Matt was in the store all day ordering items for the new store, which meant that I could not get anything done in there. Not that I had anything pressing!

So I decided to catch up on the news, get some reading done, download a few songs, and take a nap. When I woke up, I felt guilty because I was the only one on the mountain not accomplishing anything. Well, Rick walked in and asked what I had been doing and it was just a conversational question, but, I felt compelled to make sure he understood my role in the winter versus the summer. I explained that I am not getting a paycheck since October and not until May. I explained that I have to be married to the store over the weekends and that I had explained to Matt that I would be giving him, at least, 20 hours over the winter while I am not on payroll. He responded that he understood and didn't realize I wasn't on payroll, so I am glad I set him straight. I also explained that I felt guilty but I shouldn't because of the agreement and the fact that I make it up on the weekends.

This is all inside of me and no one has given the impression that I am not pulling my weight. In retrospect, I have always been the type of person that has to be busy and feel like I am accomplishing something every day. I think that is a great work ethic and I displayed it by the tremendous amount of hours I used to put in at the bank. I know this is just me and maybe the lesson I need to learn is to accept this part of my life now and try to concentrate more on my personal needs that I would like to accomplish.

While I see folks everyday up here and converse with them, I feel like this is a very lonely time for me. Tomorrow, I am going to go to the bank and deposit my Unemployment Check, just to get off the mountain for awhile.

This evening I watched American Idol with Rick, Tim, and Michael. I felt that it was a great show and my favorites are Pia and James. I think Pia has the entire package and James because I think he is adorable. He is a performer and can sing, however, I am afraid he could fall into the screamer category if he is not careful. Last week, they saved Casey and while I did not agree with saving him as he was never my favorite, I did appreciate their reasoning. Tomorrow night they have to send 2 folks home and I think it should be Thia and Naimi. These two should be followed by, in my opinion, Jacob (Good singer but sings like a drag queen and reminds me of a Muppet) and Casey should go (screams some his songs except this week and not very cute - I think the reddish beard with the Dark hair is nasty and kinda Amish). Stefano is a cutey and did well!

Ok - time for bed..................

WHY??!!

Why can't I get this thing to put spaces between paragraphs??? My last few posts have looked like run on sentences and I have put spaces in between each paragraph with the same results - What am I doing wrong???? You all know I am technically challenged - David are you out there???? Can ya help??

Like A Tide......Life Comes In and Goes Out

Well, today still found me under the weather for the first part........I am still battling this slight head cold and I think I am winning! I have eaten healthier today then I have in a long time and I feel like it will make a difference! I received a phone call from my friend Barb in Dayton and her husband passed away last night. She is doing as good as can be expected. I was on the phone with her for about 2 hours and just tried to give her words of encouragement. We cried together and talked about the fact that he is out of pain. We talked about the legacy he left with his family and then I started reminded her of some of the funny stories about him. We both laughed our asses off and towards the end of the conversation, she thanked me for reminding her of all of the fun times and ornery things Dennis used to do. I explained to her that no thanks need to be given, that we should thank him for being who he was and that he is still with her in spirit. I told her that anytime she needed to talk, even if it is in the middle of the night, to call me. My heart goes out to her and I cannot imagine being with someone for 38 years and then losing them. Of course, at this time in my life, I would have to live to be 86 to have spent that long with someone, if I was in a relationship tomorrow. (LOL) While I was on the phone with Barb, I texted my good friend Michele from Columbus to let her know of Dennis's passing. We have not talked since her 50th birthday party and ended up on the phone for about an hour catching up. She hadn't heard from me and I hadn't heard from her so it was great catching up. We were talking and laughing like there wasn't 2 months since we spoke. We talked about her husband and kids and my lack of a husband and kids. LOL We talked about our family drama and some folks from CHASE ((C)an't (H)ave (A) (S)atisfied (E)mployee) I watched some of "Dancing With The Stars" and "NCIS" between phone calls and then some of "Hell's Kitchen" and now here I sit! Today reiterated that we should all be thankful for what we have and not sweat the small stuff. Also, I am a caregiver and should be thankful for that and enjoy the folks in my life! Here's to all of the folks in my life and a few very special folks! (Love Ya All)

"Naturally" By Selena Gomez

I really like this song - - - makes me think of how it will be with that special someone...........

How you choose to express yourself

Its all your own and I can tell

It comes naturally

It comes naturally

You follow what you feel inside

its intuitive, you don't have to try

It comes naturally

It comes naturally

And it takes my breath away

What you do so naturally

Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally

When your with me, Baby

Everything comes naturally

Bay-bay-baby

You have a way of moving me

A force of nature, your energy

It comes naturally

It comes naturally, Yeah

And it takes my breath away

What you do, so naturally

And then my favorite part............

You are the thunder and I am the lightning

And I love the way you

Know who you are and to me it's exciting

When you know its meant to be

Everything comes naturally, it comes naturally

when your with me baby

And the song continues but you get the just of it!

Wow - A Blog A Day - - - - -For 3 Days Straight

Well - today was so-so! I was in bed by 11:30 last night and woke up at 5 this morning! I got ice tea and read some of my book - the 11Th in the series that I am currently reading! I have not been feeling all that great the last few days with a slight headache and tiredness! I went back to bed at 7:30 and woke at 11 a.m. When I went into the kitchen, I had notes from Gil, Tim (Construction Guy) and Matt. Gil was telling what he was going to be doing and he missed me for breakfast, Tim was telling me he made coffee (not that I drink it) and that he brought me Milk, Eggs, and Bread, and that he missed me. Matt was telling me he went into town and asked if I would call a customer back for him, and that he had his cell phone on if I needed him. It made me feel good that these folks thought of me no matter what the reason. I went over to the store and answered e-mails and returned calls. The plumber showed up and I gave him his list so he could get to work. I had my energy drink and a V8 and decided that I probably had a slight head cold, so I went back to bed about 12:30 and slept until 3:30. Matt and Michael (Housekeeping) and I hung out and checked some of the rooms for needed improvement. I then went and took a nice long shower and felt much better after pampering myself a little. We then made a smorgasbord of everything left over from the weekend! I had a Turkey Italian Sausage, and two cups of soup. Matt had purchased a digital scale while in town and we weighed ourselves for the start of our weight loss program. I have 16 pounds to lose if it was a perfect world. Troy went to visit his father in Ohio since he was hospitalized with Congestive Heart Failure. It appears he is doing better since he oxygen levels were up and they are releasing him tomorrow. Anyway, once he arrived and after Dinner, Matt asked if I wanted to go to the residence with them. We went up and hung out and visited with their dogs. It was apparent that these 2 dobermans missed me as the one slammed herself across my lap and the other kept bringing me his (slimy) bone! I spoke to my friend Barb from Ohio who used to work for me at the bank. Her husband has Bone Cancer and we learned that he has probably a few weeks to live now at best! She seems as well as can be expected under the circumstances and obviously hates to see him in pain. He just celebrated his 59Th birthday and their 38Th wedding anniversary. She says all she can do is talk to him as he is incoherent and asleep most of the time. She said he told her he wants to die and she has assured him that he should go when he is ready. She assured him she would be OK! Suddenly, my head cold didn't seem so important after this phone call. I then went to the dance hall and watched a good part of "Dancing With The Stars" and bar tended for a few seasonals who are here building a Cabin. (They can put away the Bacardi and Coke)! Now here I sit and ready to go back to bed! More of this exciting and interesting (Yeah-Right) life later.............................

Another Day In The Life

Today I was up at 8:30 and after getting ready and spending time with the guests who came to breakfast, I made my way over to the store. Now opening the store consists of opening the bar also! (Believe it or not, these fags can drink all day) After unlocking the store and putting out the open sign, I then have to open the sliding glass doors between the store and the bar, unlock the beer cases and the gate to the bar and make coffee. Once that is done, I have to update tabs of everything that folks had the night prior on the system including all kinds of drinks and pizza, balance the bar drawer and make out deposits. My morning consisted of checking folks out and answering e-mails, phone calls, etc. I could not wait until the last person checked out about noon, so I could get over to my room for a much needed nap! I talked to my best friend David who I feel like I have not talked to in forever! It was a great conversation and was much needed since I seem to only exchange pleasantries with the folks here. I feel like it was the first adult conversation I had in quite sometime. I then napped for 4 hours - yes - that was a nap! After getting up I had forgotten that I had not eaten since breakfast, so I made myself a bowl of cereal. I then had to complete 3 loads of laundry, clean the room, get Rox settled, and talk to my sister! Gil is here all week to help us get some of things done we have outstanding. He made a macaroni and cheese pizza with turkey sausage and we watched a rerun of Desperate Housewives. I then folded clothes and cleaned the cat bowls and now here I sit. While I was folding clothes, I was doing some thinking and decided that, right now, my life is boring. I feel like I do not matter in the big scheme of things, and to anyone. I realized that I needed something exciting to happen to shake me out of my doldrums. I do not know what that is, but, maybe it will be something that I have a hand in and who knows what tomorrow will bring. Its like there is an internal struggle going on inside of myself. I go between being confident and sure of myself to being afraid and lonely. Between being happy with the many blessings I have in my life, to being sad because I have no one in which to share them. I struggle with looking at my cup as half full to then looking at it as half empty. I don't know if it is just this time of year, the fact that my job is not structured right now like it is during the busy season, or what?? I know I can only take it a day at a time and continue to hang in there and do what I can to makes things better, help folks when I can, and live life to the fullest! I guess there is a reason and a season for everything!

Mix It Up

Since I haven't written in a while for whatever reason, I decided to try and recap the last few weeks - so bear with me on this one.

Lets see...........first - I AM SOOO SICK OF THE COLD WEATHER.....that - quite frankly - it makes me sick! I have battled cold like symptoms, flu like symptoms, etc., My eyes have been so over worked lately that they burn to just open them. Add to all of this, that I am one of the clumsiest people I know. Wednesday night the electricity went out about 6 p.m. and I laid across the bed to read while there was still light shining in my windows. I fell asleep and woke about 10, at which point I grabbed a candle and went over to the Dance Hall where I knew the "straight" construction workers were hanging out. As I got to the first step to the porch, I tripped and went flying almost smacking my head on the door. I scraped the hell out of my knee and spilled ice tea all over myself. After spending an hour there, I decided to make my way back over to the house and once I entered my room, I proceeded to drop the candle holder I had in my hand. It busted in a million pieces all over the floor. So in the dark, holding a flashlight in my mouth (yeah I still got it going on!), I proceeded to lock Roxy in her cage before she ran out in it. Then I had to clean up her paper, sweep the entire floor (glass travels to the most bizarre places), clean the dog bowls, pick Roxy up in my arms, take her blankets outside and shake them, take her tray in her cage out and clean it. I did all of this over the course of an hour, with a flashlight in my mouth and Rox under one arm. (Don't ever say I cannot multi-task) Then Friday night, I was getting ready to take a shower and barefooted, ran my foot full stride into the brick hearth the is beneath the wood burning stove in the living room. Needless to say, I saw stars and words I didn't even know I knew came streaming out of my mouth. I limped, staggered, crawled, my way to the bathroom to take a look and noticed the edge of the brick sliced my little toe right below the nail (so much for my career as a foot model). My toes still move, but, the little one is now dark black! On the plus side, I found this body soap, that after 3 days of use, makes my skin feel like a baby's. (Not that anyone else feels it but me, but damn it feels so nice!)

I have also been reading alot! In the last month I have read a Vampire Trilogy, The Gay/Lesbian Almanac (Did you know that homosexuals were revered in the native American tribes?), and "25 years of gay struggle". I am currently on Book 10 of the "Left behind" series which is a fictionalized account of what it would be like, in today's day and age, if God raptured his church. Yes, I love to learn and read about everything under the sun! I will give more detailed accounts of these books in later posts. Yesterday, my Nook stopped working, but not to be deterred, I downloaded my most recent book onto my IPOD touch. Who knew that a 300 page book when downsized to my phone would be 5,433 pages?

Since I have to be up in 4 hours...................................more news later!

Plethora Of Poop................

At the risk of sounding like the most negative person in the world......................This week has SUCKED!!!!

I woke up Sunday Morning feeling like crap and it got worse by Monday! My head has felt like a bowling ball and I have been sick to my stomach all week!

I had a lengthy conversation on Wednesday with my mother, which is usually me listening while she rambles on and on about mundane stuff. However, she threw in some things that my second older sister has been saying about me. Needless to say, I had to defend myself and set the record straight on a number of things, half of which, I am sure she got wrong, since she has selective hearing. Needless to say, I got off the phone feeling beat up and pressured and made to feel like a shit-heel.

I also found out some very bad news about a friend of mine. He was a regular guest up here and while we were not close Friends, I was mentoring him on cleaning up his life and being careful about how he treated people, etc. Well, come to find out he is in prison and there are 8 felony charges against him, all of which, because the nature of the crimes committed, will have to be served consecutively. The very least he can get for each count is 3 years and since he has to serve them consecutively he will be in prison for at least 24 years. Now this kid is 22 years old and has ruined his entire life.

Then I upset one of my closest friends, unintentional, but still very upsetting for both of us. Given all that had happened up to this point, I spent the rest of the day crying off and on which did wonders for my head. Not to mention fielding calls about our liquor license and getting raked over the coals for something I can do nothing about.

Then this morning, I had to make breakfast for our one guest, the construction guys, and one of the owners. I burnt some of the Bacon and some of the Sausage Links. Someone rang the bell early before I was even ready so I had to scramble to get toast in and fry eggs. The maintenance guy had been cleaning the stainless steel over the stove area and replaced my cooking spray with Stainless Steel Spray which I used to fry the eggs in. Needless to say I did not realize my error until everyone was halfway through their breakfast, so I stood in the kitchen and proceeded to have a Panic Attack as to what I was going to do. I ended up having to come clean about my error and they all had great laughs at my expense. It was funny after the fact, and no one got sick at all, but still I felt like a piece of shit about that and stupid as all get out! Needless to say, I told the owners I will not be making breakfast anymore so one of them will have to do it for now on.

Then feeling like shit all week, put me behind with laundry which I just finished at 11:00 at night - 4 loads to be exact. Roxy needs a bath, the fish tank needs cleaned, along with my room. I need to fill out my taxes, etc., and I do not feel like doing anything.

The weather has absolutely sucked rope the entire week, and given the nature of my job, I am in and out all day, which I am sure is doing wonders for my sinuses and feeling sick to begin with. I have an overwhelming urge to clean out my bank account of what little it has in it, fill up the tank with $5.00 per gallon gas, and drive south until I can't drive anymore!!!!

Lets not forget the icing on the cake! Because of who I am and the fact that all of the above has actually happened, I am beating myself up and feeling guilty for being so negative and sad!

I will end this by saying to myself - ..............................."GET OFF THE CROSS, MARY - SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS THE WOOD!"

WOW ------------------Rockin Robin

I received a comment on my last entry from someone whom I have never met - her name is Robin. Her were words were so compelling and thought provoking that I felt I needed to devote an entire entry to her along with my response!

First of all, I appreciate her insight and encouragement and the fact that she obviously took the time to write a rather lengthy comment. It was unbelievable that someone I have actually never met in person could devote that much time to respond with such fortitude and insight! Thank you Robin for your time and effort - the world needs more folks like you!

Now in response................

The comment " whoever said love was a many splendor thing was delusional" had me laughing my ass off! As for understanding why he doesn't feel the same, I think I have that one down...................you ready? Its because he is blind - lol Now seriously, he is a wonderful person and we are great friends! We have discussed this when he found out the way how I was feeling about him. He was as honest as he could be and explained that I am one of the most important people in his life! He has had many struggles in his life when it comes to love and is working through some issues within himself when it comes to love, that he did not want to take the chance of ruining our close friendship! I am totally and completely comfortable with that and I do not take his decision personally!
In order to reconcile my feelings and insure it does not effect our friendship, I have separated the friendship from the stronger feelings. Its almost like mentally I have made him into two different people - twins if you will. The Friend one is very important to me and we get along wonderfully and have a great time together. But his brother, Mister Romeo, for lack of a better term, I have not seen since early on in our relationship when he actually was interested in me romantically. Let me make this clear - based on my experiences with mister Romeo - and my thoughts as it pertains to his love experiences and issues he is working through - I know nothing could come of it and he is not the person for me romantically! I will not go into detail about any of that, as it would be unfair and unjust of me to share any of his personal information in this forum! Just suffice it to say, he did me a favor and showed his caring for me and my feelings, by not pursuing me romantically.
Also, understand that I wrote "Heart and Head" blog entry to help me get that part of my feelings out and keep them from affecting other areas of my life. I am in no way sitting here pining away for him or spending all of time on that aspect of my life. Blogging has been wonderful, however, sometimes, it gives the impression, as I fear it has done here, that all I am doing is sitting in my room miserable thinking about something that I know I can't have.
My frustration is not because he doesn't feel the same way, but, because knowing all that I do know and accepting that nothing will ever come of it, I still struggle with the feelings! I know there are plenty of "fish" in the sea and I will get to do my share of "fishing". LOL Also, I am into so many things with work, my hobbies, my family, friends, etc., that I already do not have time to spend on my hearts obsession - LOL (Its the quiet times that can be a struggle)
Again, I appreciate the comments and it was nice to be reminded of some of the things Robin wrote! I am very impressed with her taking the time to insure I had all of the insight and appreciate the concern she has shown. Thanks Robin!

Suffice it to say - - - - I am truly fine with everything pertaining to this! This too shall pass!

Between My Heart and My Head..............

I have realized that there has been a struggle going on inside me for quite sometime! Its like an argument between my heart and my head.....the logical and illogical........my soul and my brain.....my conscious and subconscious!!!


I have been struggling with intense feelings for someone and while I thought it would get better over time, it doesn't seem to be! I have no idea why I am feeling the way I am feeling for this person...............I am pissed and angry with myself. I ask God to show me why I feel the way I do...........What is the purpose?


I know it is not reciprocated and I have reminded myself of that a thousand times!!! I think about him 100 times a day and get so angry with myself when I realize what I am thinking! The first thing I think about in the morning is him.........STOP..........then I go outside and see a beautiful sunrise and think of him...............STOP..............then I see something on TV that I want to share with him...................STOP.......................then someone will say something to me about something and I think what would he think.................STOP............................someone will show interest in me and I compare them to him....................STOP...................I will be close to falling asleep, not even thinking about anything to do with him and suddenly he is there................its like a constant battle between my heart and my head!


I have had dreams where I am living with him in a house I have never seen - doing mundane things! On a camping trip where we got lost in the woods and we ended up laughing at ourselves! Sitting having coffee in the morning and reading on a patio I have never seen! Having dumb arguments where we realize how trivial the argument is and one of us will crack up! Now - why in the hell am I having dreams of this nature? It is pissing me off!!!


My head will say "he is not interested" and my heart will say "that's bullshit"! My heart says "there is a reason for why I feel this way and that we are connected whether we like it or not" and my head says "that's your grandiose ideas"! My head says "get over it already" and my heart says "never"! My head picks out all of his faults and my heart list all of his great attributes!


Now I know he has moved on and doesn't think about me in that capacity - he is dating other folks, etc., and I think "cool - maybe this will convince me" and it doesn't - my heart will say things like "he just hasn't realized yet" and my head says "no - you just believe in this love shit"! My heart says "there is a reason why you feel the way you do about him" and my head responds "Yeah - your a glutton for punishment"!


I have always been very objective about myself and other folks and quite logical about love! I feel that you have develop a solid foundation and friendship with someone for love to last! He is the opposite in some respects. For example, he has fallen for folks real fast and it can burn real bright and then go out! I take a long time to fall in love with someone and once I am there - my heart takes no prisoners! He is either your friend or your lover - and never should the two meet! Is is possible that subconsciously I think he has it all wrong and I am waiting for him to catch up?!?


He has done nothing to help these feelings along......he has been a good friend and has been honest...............Do you realize how foolish I feel? How much my pride has suffered because I know he knows?


The good part of this is that I am not taking his lack of interest personally! I know I am trying to be a good person. I know I am honest, loving, compassionate, caring, attractive, a good listener, have a wide range of interests, etc. I am outgoing, have a good sense of humor, have integrity, etc. I have my faults and I am very upfront and honest about them. I do not play games, tell you exactly how I feel and I can apologize when I know I am wrong! Is it possible that in my heart and my head I know "I would be the best thing that ever happened to him"?!? And him me??!? Is it that in my gut I know "We would be absolutely dynamic together"?!? Will it take an act of god for one or the both of us to "wake up" and "smell the coffee"!? Is this happening to me in preparation for something yet to happen or come in my life?!?


There has to be some reason why these feelings are not going away! I am waiting for my heart and my head to get on the same wave length - hurry up already!