I knew it would happen.................

Hey Folks! Well, after rereading my last post, I don't know why it surprises me that I am on the down side of everything I wrote. It is funny how life seems to ebb and flow and sometimes we are on top of the world and sometimes on the bottom. The beauty in it all is I am stronger for it, I can be alone and not just survive, but flourish, I know that this down time will only last a season.



Even though my heart is broken and I am hurting right now, it will heal, get better, and rejoice at some point. Even though I have a lump in my throat right now, I can still swallow. I know I can be and am a good friend to people. I know I can truly care romantically after many years of not thinking I could feel that way about anyone again. Unfortunately, the feelings were not and are not reciprocated, however, how I know it is real is because I still want whats best for him and only want his happiness. While I know I could be happy with him and make him happy romantically, that doesn't stop me from being objective and stepping aside for whatever it is he feels he needs, wants, or pursues, in the name of love. I truly only wish him the best and will continue to push aside those stronger feelings to be his good friend!


I am on this mountain all alone for the most part. I took Roxy out for a walk today and we frolicked in the 60 degree temperatures for about an hour! The birds were all singing, the trees are starting to bud, the sun was shining, and a warm breeze was blowing. Spring is pushing our way and not a moment too soon.



I have adopted a stray cat and she is so feral and timid. I saw her out here one night last week and put a can of tuna and a bowl of milk out for her. She waited until I disappeared before even coming onto the porch to eat. I went to the store and purchased some cans of cat food and the other night, after 5 days of playing cat and mouse with her (no pun intended), I went out to call her and she was sitting 5 feet from me on the porch. She is now letting me watch her eat! Tonight, I realized why I feel such a kinship with her. She is alone in her life also!



This evening I watched the Oscars and experienced the first thunderstorm of the year. I stood out on the porch and watched the rain come down while the lightning flashed and the thunder boomed across the mountain. Perhaps that is what has me in a melancholy mood.



Anyway, I think I am going into Columbus this week sometime. I have to get my license renewed and my tags. Obviously they are late getting done for a number of reasons. West Virginia requires an arm and a leg and your firstborn to get your tags and license here. Since I am still using my arms and legs and no chance of having a first born, I decided to get them renewed in Ohio and then work on getting all of the material I need to get them switched here at a later date.



"nough" said.............

The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants.............

Well folks, it is Valentine's Day............................I have been up since about 3:30 a.m. and I feel so good. I went and switched clothes out of the Washer into the Dryer and caught up on my friend David's blog. I then played some Yahtzee online and read some more of this great book I am reading. I have been reading non stop, it seems. Everything I pick up to read, from religious to documentary, to fiction, seems to have a message for me and seems to reach my inner being. I will cover all that later.....

Right now I want to talk about Valentines and possible love........After reading David's blog, I had an overwhelming feeling of pride for him. He has come a long way in just the little bit of time I have known him. He has raised several thought provoking points for me where it comes to the subject of relationships, love, etc.

He mentioned that it has been transitional for him in many aspects and that he is set in his ways. That brought a much needed laugh to me. It had me thinking about myself and my love life and/or lack thereof and the reasons why, etc.

I don't really have the issues that he stated in his blog. I am also set in my ways for sure, but, I am very low maintenance when it comes to how I am. I do not care if someone leaves the toilet bowl open - I have hands I can shut it - lol I do not care about what side of the bed I am on, just who I share it with - lol As far as my "progrums", I can watch anything - lol Seriously, I love that David has these certain things he likes, dislikes, etc., and I know he was only half serious, but I really am not set in my ways when it comes to most things. As my friend, Michele, put it ever so eloquently, I have always been a free spirit.

I love people, interaction, fixing emotional distress, etc. I am a care-giver in trying to make folks comfortable. I am that way romantically also. My issue has been that I tend to be with folks who take that for granted. These last years that I have been single, I have been very down on myself for not being attractive to anyone and have realized that this alone was the major reason for being single. How you feel about yourself on the inside can be seen by people and If I think I am unattractive, then that's what others will see also. David once told me something that struck me and stayed with me once while I was picking myself apart and I will never forget it. He stated in his response to my blog "the only thing that makes you a 6 out of 10 instead of the 9.25 that you are, is your belief that your only a 6". How right he is!!!!

I am loving who I am more and more as I mature! I am very content in being single and have no problem being by myself. Hell - I am isolated on this mountain a lot and not a lot of folks could do that. I take pride in that fact alone. I have not had but one couple up here that I truly call my hero's as in they have been together for 20 years and are still very much in love! Most of the couples I experience have major issues, fight, are co-dependent, have an "open" relationship, etc. None of that is worth it to me! I will not settle for just anyone and more and more feel that I have so much to offer someone romantically.

Its like I woke up this morning with such clarification about myself, that it made me feel good about life. I don't know where I will go with my current situation. I could do this kind of work for the rest of my life and I could save up money, pay off bills, and have a good nest egg going in a few years, that I could move to any major metropolitan city or the beach, or buy a nice piece of land that is away from everyone, yet close enough for those times when I want to mingle. I love my solitude, I love people, I love nature and the small things in life. I am happy with a hand-picked bouquet of flowers (thanks David for making me realize that), a hug, laughter, sitting quietly, reading a book, riding around in the car with no destination in mind listening to all kinds of music, rollerblading (I have a great set that I haven't used in forever) fishing without any need to catch anything, dancing when the time is right, having a few cocktails now and again, etc.

What does the above have to do with love? Well, it means that I am ripe to find it while keeping myself fresh enough to allow it to happen. If I do meet someone in my line of work, it means I can pick up and be with them wherever that may be. It means that I really could spend the next few years single while I build my nest-egg or I could date someone in my current situation while we both save up enough money to pay off our bills, etc., and work towards our goal of being together in a living situation that would be conducive to both our lifestyles. Relationships do take sacrifice and as long as it is not giving away a huge piece of who you are, it can be healthy to have a fresh perspective, work towards a goal with someone, and truly care about each other. Distance is not an issue for me as it can be healthy for both parties, we have the phone, the Internet, days off, cars, etc. Technology has truly made it easier to be with someone. It also requires give and take! My leaving the mountain for a few days each week to travel to my sweety is not out of the question, as long as he feels the same. There is the key folks, meeting that person that you want to be with and them feeling the same way for you - come hell or high water!!!! You work it out, you stand up and be a man, you know that your relationship is a luxury and your together because you want to be! That's the way I am and I won't settle for less. Is it impossible? Absolutely Not! I know it in my heart!

As for sex, sure we have our needs. I could have sex 4 times a day in some cases! People are so hung up on roles and positions, that I have to laugh out loud sometimes! I have been asked if I am a top? a bottom? etc. People have even assumed I am a bottom. That makes assumptions about me which I find hysterical! I am so much more of a man then anyone really knows. I am a man in the courage that I have shown in the face of adversity, the fact that I stand up for what I believe in, that I treat people with respect, not afraid to show my emotions, etc., which is more then one can say about a number of folks - Gay or Straight! If I had to label my sexual position, I am a complete oral addict! LOL I love to provide it more then receive and totally get off on the other person's pleasure. I have been a top in 95% of my past relationships or experiences, but have been wanting to bottom very badly! I have not bottomed in over 20 years so it will take someone with patience and gentleness. Lol My thoughts on anal sex is that it is not something to enter in for a casual encounter. I will only explore that aspect of sex with someone that I intend to be with indefinitely!

So we have covered everything pretty much. In conclusion, I am still single, still working at a job I currently love, still wanting to be with a special person, still hopeful it will happen, feeling much more better about myself these days, and willing to make sacrifices without sacrificing myself for someone special!

Happy Valentines to those few couples that still have that fire burning after all the years!

Happy Valentines to those folks who are in a relationship and are not happy. May you find the courage to move forward on your own and find true love.

Happy Valentines to those folks who are consumed with being loved and are miserable because they haven't found it! May you find the inner peace and love yourself more and more!

I have been some of the above type person, and at times, probably still can be, but today I love myself and have so much for which to be thankful.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ME!!!!!!